Oh, hello camp.

Well, it's camp time again. And we just finished our first week of camp. It went well, there were logistically a lot of details I had to work out, but all in all in was a great week. The last few weeks have been filled with lots of training to get us ready for this summer... it was hard and tedious but well worth it.

My job at camp is to work on setting up and planning ministry projects for each group to go to for the summer. So since February I have spent time trying to prepare for the great ministry that will take place in Charleston this summer. It was such a blessing to get to go and visit my staff at their sites and see the great things going on there. There were multiple times this week that I got tears in my eyes as I watched students, adults, and staffers love on the people at their site. It was such a blessing to get to see.

While I was at one of the nursing homes this week I was just so broken for the people there. So many of them were sick and who knows how much longer they would live. And as I thought about that I felt such an urgency to share the gospel with them, because it might be their last chance to hear it. But then as I thought more about that, I started to think about how none of us are promised tomorrow. We are not promised another day, yet so many of us aren't where we should be spiritually and as a christian I am not sharing God's love the way that I should be. It was a good reminder of what my purpose really is on this earth. I (we) are called to serve God, love God, and spread His name to the nations... Boom.

Waiting... Patiently?

Right now I feel like I am waiting on a lot of things in my life. I've always been the kind of person who once i've decided I am going to do something or that I want something, I make it happen. I see this to be both a good and a bad quality. And I know for a fact, that it is something that used to make my dad crazy about me. Don't get me wrong, i've had to wait on things, many things before. But never like this. I wish that I could just snap my fingers and make a few specific things happen.
I think the thing that is the most frustrating is that they are all things that I feel like God is saying will happen... he's just also telling me to wait and be patient. That's the hard part. The other day my devotional was about waiting on God's timing... and I know that the mere fact that that was the topic is an awesome reminder of how I need to shut up and wait on Him. But anyways, I was reminded through scripture that I have a time and a plan for my life and that God does too. And that ultimately, I don't want things in my timing but in His. So... I will wait. I will wait on God. And I will wait on a few other people and situations as well. Hopefully God will give me some patience in the meantime.

So I leave for camp in 33 days and I'm not sure if it's a countdown or a deadline...lol. I spend last week in South Carolina. A few days were spent in myrtle beach visiting family and enjoying the beach and the majority of the time was spent in Charleston setting up stuff for this summer. Being there, really helped me to get excited about camp this summer. There is such a great need in that city and I am so blessed to get to be a part of the awesome things God is going to do there in the next few months. With every person that I met with they were all so excited to partner with MFuge again. And when I met with people who were new to working with MFuge, they just kept asking, "what is in it for us?" They just couldn't understand why we would want to help out and give back and share our time and talents. That was such a humbling thought... I mean as christians isn't that what we are called to do? And yet, it's so rare that people are a little apprehensive about our motives... it was a sad realization.

Also, the other day I was in the book area at Walmart and I heard the most saddening thing i've heard in a long time. There was a mom with her son... he was probably 4. They were looking for a book and the little boy picked up a children's Bible and asked his mom what it was. She told him that it was the bible. He asked if they could buy it and she told him "No, it's not a good book, you wouldn't like it". I seriously heard this whole exchange and got tears in my eyes. It took all I had in me not to go over there tell the women she was wrong and then share God with that sweet little boy. It broke my heart.

Space.

So lately I have noticed myself pushing people away. And in complete honesty I don't know why I'm doing it, or even how long i've been doing it. But it hit me all at once that I am absolutely doing it to many people in my life. I find myself doing it in weird ways and for no real reason at all... at least none that I have figured out yet. At first I thought that it was just certain people were getting on my nerves but then I realized that it wasn't them... it was most definitely me. I'm going to have to work on this. Because clearly I don't want this to be the norm for me. Am I doing it because I'm leaving for the summer soon?...And maybe to me this will be easier? I don't know. Or maybe the real issue is me, i've been struggling with some different things lately, and maybe it's just easier to push people away then to open up and talk about stuff. Hmm, I shouldn't say that I've been pushing people away, because that isn't quite it. It's more like distancing myself.

Also, I've been finding myself worrying a lot about my future. I have this long list of goals and things that I would like to accomplish, and thought I've been able to check off many things from my list there are still many things I have yet to do. Sometimes, I worry that I spend so much time worrying and thinking about the next big thing in my life (whatever that may be), that I wonder if maybe I'm missing stuff in the present... Is that normal?

So last week at church we sang a new song. And I loved everything about it. The lyrics brought tears to my eyes as I sang them. And after I sang the words, I wondered if I would ever put them into action...
"I wanna be your hands and feet. I wanna be your voice every time I speak. I wanna run to the ones in need in the name of Jesus. I wanna give my life away, all for your kingdom's sake. Shine a light in the darkest place, in the name of Jesus"...


Wow. Those are some pretty spectacular thoughts. And they are exactly what we are called to do. And yet very few of us every truly put those words into motion. But my question is why? I don't honestly believe it's that we don't WANT to do it. I think it's that were are afraid to do it and also just hope that someone else will do it. But as I sing those words, I feel the words stirring deep in my heart. How awesome would it be if I did exactly what those words say. If I were his hands and feet and if every time I spoke I was his voice. What if gave my life away and went wherever he called me to shine a light to those who are hopeless? I get chills.

I really don't know what this would look like in my life. I know that I can do many of those things daily in my day to day life, and that that is what as a christian, I am called to do. But giving my life away and going where ever he sends me? I don't know. Part of me feels like that could never happen.. But another part of me hopes that some day He does it in my life. How awesome would it be to literally leave behind everything I have and follow him. Wow. One thing I do know, is I want to leave this world better than when I got here. And my prayer is that he uses me every day to help do that. That's what life is about and I'm being reminded of that daily.

Love.

Tomorrow is one of my least favorite days ever. I feel this way for a few reasons. One, probably because I have never had a b/f on Valentine's Day...so each year I feel like it's really "Hey, I'm single" day. But I think that even if I had a b/f on this day I would still think it was silly. Basically it is a day to show the person you're with how much they mean to you... precious. However, shouldn't you show them how special they are and how much they mean to you every day... not just February 14th? Yes. Yes you should. Don't get me wrong, someday when I'm in a fantastic relationship, I'm sure that I will have way less hate for this day... but until then, Valentine's day can bite me.

Lately I've been thinking about relationships though. Since I was young, I've longed for the day when I get married and have children. And lately I've found myself wanting it more and more and just trying to wait on God's timing. But then I started to look at the people around me . Now, what I'm about to say is going to sound super negative and I hope that I am wrong. But when I look some of the people that I know that are married I see such unhappiness. And then I started reading some scripture on what marriage and relationships should be. And as I thought about this, I realized that I've never seen a healthy christian marriage on a daily basis. Sure I know christians that are happily married or at least appear to be. But none of the people that I spend most of my time with have the kind of christian marriage that I want. And please keep in mind, I'm not trying to judge them... people do the best they can. But this leads me to a big question... Is there such a thing as a happy marriage? A marital relationship that is what the bible says it should be? And I ask that hoping that the answer to both is yes... because if not, I've spend years aching for something that isn't real.

The hopeless romantic in me hopes that I am wrong. And that it's out there. But the realist in me worries there is no such thing. Now I know that no relationship is going to be easy or perfect. But I really feel like if I can't have the kind of relationship that the bible talks about... I'd rather be single. Yeah, for real.

Good thing I have this awesome God who is totally and completely in love with me. He loves me in a way that words cannot describe and in a way that I am totally and completely unworthy of. I need to spend more time falling in love with Him on a daily basis, and less time on things of this world.

indecisive.

I've never understood people who have a hard time making decisions. I remember from the time I was young getting annoyed as people would go back and forth trying to figure something out because neither would just make a decision. Even if I don't know for sure, I generally make a decision and then go from there. And when I do know what I want, I make the decision and I do my best to make it happen. There can be negotiation if needed, and I'm okay with it not being what I want.  I just cannot stand going back and forth waiting for someone to decide and move on. For example, an age old stress that I have been a part of... what to have for dinner? I remember as a child listening to my family go back and forth on cooking? Take out? or going out to a restaurant? Man on man, they would just go back and forth and because it's my family talk super loud in the process.... could we just decide and eat already? hah. That is just one example, this happens all of the time and it makes me want to yell... Maybe I need to work on patience..hmm.

Speechless.

There is so much going through my head right now, but I have no ways to give it words to describe it all. It's frustrating, and I wish that I could process everything and then move on. It's not as bad as it sounds, I can promise you that. It's just stuff. And junk. And life... you know? Sometimes, I think that everyone could use a shrink. Someone who just listens as you talk and offers objective advice and solutions... Where can I sign up for that? For real. Everyone that I talk to has their own opinion and advice and slant on why things should be a certain way. And lately the more I talk to people, the more confused I am with all of those conflicting thoughts. You'd think that I would stop talking to earthly people, and instead talk to God about it, but that would be the smart and good idea. But instead, I talk to people and end up confused and unsatisfied. Once again, I wish that I could chat with God and see his face. Sit on the couch with him and have a good heart to heart. Or even cry on His shoulder... Not yet, but someday.

I'm done rambling. I'm going to take my own advice and go spend some time talking to Him about stuff. And it will be wonderful, I know it.

Face to face

So it's no secret that my love language is physical touch. I love to hug and be close to the people I love. And there is nothing better than hugging someone that you haven't seen in a while. You know the tight hug that goes on and on and that neither of you want to let go of...that is one of my favorite things in this world. I have so many wonderful friends, that I love and adore that unfortunately do not live close to me. So when I finally do get to see them, those hugs are fantastic. With all that being said, lately i've been thinking about that moment when I am face to face with God for the first time someday. I imagine that moment to be one of the most amazing and indescribable moments ever. I cannot even begin to put into words how amazing it will be to be in the arms of God. In that moment, nothing else will matter, and it will be just him and I and it will be glorious. I imagine him holding me and putting his arms around me and there we will stay for quite some time. It's going to give me a feeling of safety and love that I have never felt on this earth, and can only feel in Him. So so wonderful.
Selfishly, I wish that I could hug Him now, because I do love physical touch. But I know that is selfish and not something that I can experience here. But I will look forward to that day so much. What a glorious day.

He knows me so well.

Today I realized something. It was a very awesome and humbling thought.  God made me get sick to ultimately draw me closer to him. I think about the fact that he had to literally knock me flat on my butt for three weeks to draw me closer to him, and it makes me frustrated with myself. I shouldn't have to be unable to move, to finally whole heartedly seek Him. But then I think about the fact that He did if FOR me, not TO me. So even though being sick for the past few weeks has sucked, and knowing that I'll feel yucky for a while longer, I can say it was worth it. Worth it because, for the first time in a long time, I am falling more and more in love with my Savior everyday... and it feels wonderful. I don't deserve His love and His grace, but I love that He gives it so freely to me.

:: Sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters. Tears rolling down my face, because of your love and your sweet embrace...Your grace it covers me. Your love, it covers me. O God, you cover me...::

God's plan, not mine.

My best friend recently shared a quote with me... and it really shook me. 
"Rise, O Lord, into Your proper place of honor, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health and even my life itself. Let me decrease that you might increase; let me sink that you might rise above."-Tozer (The Pursuit of God)


When I first saw this, I read it and instantly began to meditate on it and apply it to my own life. I very quickly realized that though it was always my desire and intention, that I had never truly given my future and life to God. I've always known that God made me to do great things for Him and I've tried hard to be obedient to Him but never had I spoken those words (or anything close to it) and completely surrendered my life and my future to Him. I know that God has a plan for my life, and I truly believe that He is preparing me daily for what is yet to come for me. And I also believe that He has given me certain desires and wants because He is going to give them to me at some point. But all of that aside, I never really gave up all of my wants and expectations of this life to God. Well not until recently anyways. 


Sure, I have a long list of goals and wants for this life and they are all things that I would love. But they mean nothing if they aren't his plan for me. Honestly, I like to be in control of situations and of my life. And it's scary that by giving that to him fully, He could call me to do things or send me places that terrify me. But I'd rather be terrified living obediently, then content living luke warm. So here I am, giving up my desires, my ambitions, and really my life to God. I'm excited to see God use me in life. And I just keep remembering that I don't deserve to be used by Him. I'm not perfect by any means, and I stumble and fall, and yeah basically I suck. But he wants to use me, to use all of me, even my weakness... What an honor. 


With all of that being said, God is amazing and He blows me away everyday. The last few weeks I have spent lots of time resting, sleeping, and laying around. He turned me being super sick into lots of time for me to study His word and grow closer to Him. It is my desire to learn more and more about Him, and to be daily growing my relationship with Him. Glorious. 

I adore them

There are 3 people in my life that I adore more than words can express. Noah. Jonah. and Leah. While I've been sick, seeing them (not being able to touch or come close to them though) has brought me so much joy. They are 3 little blessing from God. And yes they are the cutest, sweetest, little boogers ever!

Leah Faith

Jonah William

Noah Ryan

Making changes not resolutions.

I think that making resolutions for the new year is silly. It's like saying I am making a commitment to try and... Or you could make the change and follow through with it. I think that resolutions leave you with too many ways to fail and/or give up. I am making changes in my life. But my want for change in my life did not come because the new year hit. But instead because of a book I'm reading. This book challenges everything I thought about faith and is making me see how differently I need to look at it. The book is Radical by David Platt... it's fantastic. But saying that, doesn't do it justice. Basically it takes what we know as "religion" and tells us that it's wrong. First off, I hate the term religious and spiritual..what does that even mean? I don't want to be either I want to have a life changing relationship with God.

There is so much more I want to talk about. But I am falling asleep as I write this...More to come.