Space.

So lately I have noticed myself pushing people away. And in complete honesty I don't know why I'm doing it, or even how long i've been doing it. But it hit me all at once that I am absolutely doing it to many people in my life. I find myself doing it in weird ways and for no real reason at all... at least none that I have figured out yet. At first I thought that it was just certain people were getting on my nerves but then I realized that it wasn't them... it was most definitely me. I'm going to have to work on this. Because clearly I don't want this to be the norm for me. Am I doing it because I'm leaving for the summer soon?...And maybe to me this will be easier? I don't know. Or maybe the real issue is me, i've been struggling with some different things lately, and maybe it's just easier to push people away then to open up and talk about stuff. Hmm, I shouldn't say that I've been pushing people away, because that isn't quite it. It's more like distancing myself.

Also, I've been finding myself worrying a lot about my future. I have this long list of goals and things that I would like to accomplish, and thought I've been able to check off many things from my list there are still many things I have yet to do. Sometimes, I worry that I spend so much time worrying and thinking about the next big thing in my life (whatever that may be), that I wonder if maybe I'm missing stuff in the present... Is that normal?

So last week at church we sang a new song. And I loved everything about it. The lyrics brought tears to my eyes as I sang them. And after I sang the words, I wondered if I would ever put them into action...
"I wanna be your hands and feet. I wanna be your voice every time I speak. I wanna run to the ones in need in the name of Jesus. I wanna give my life away, all for your kingdom's sake. Shine a light in the darkest place, in the name of Jesus"...


Wow. Those are some pretty spectacular thoughts. And they are exactly what we are called to do. And yet very few of us every truly put those words into motion. But my question is why? I don't honestly believe it's that we don't WANT to do it. I think it's that were are afraid to do it and also just hope that someone else will do it. But as I sing those words, I feel the words stirring deep in my heart. How awesome would it be if I did exactly what those words say. If I were his hands and feet and if every time I spoke I was his voice. What if gave my life away and went wherever he called me to shine a light to those who are hopeless? I get chills.

I really don't know what this would look like in my life. I know that I can do many of those things daily in my day to day life, and that that is what as a christian, I am called to do. But giving my life away and going where ever he sends me? I don't know. Part of me feels like that could never happen.. But another part of me hopes that some day He does it in my life. How awesome would it be to literally leave behind everything I have and follow him. Wow. One thing I do know, is I want to leave this world better than when I got here. And my prayer is that he uses me every day to help do that. That's what life is about and I'm being reminded of that daily.