Speechless.

There is so much going through my head right now, but I have no ways to give it words to describe it all. It's frustrating, and I wish that I could process everything and then move on. It's not as bad as it sounds, I can promise you that. It's just stuff. And junk. And life... you know? Sometimes, I think that everyone could use a shrink. Someone who just listens as you talk and offers objective advice and solutions... Where can I sign up for that? For real. Everyone that I talk to has their own opinion and advice and slant on why things should be a certain way. And lately the more I talk to people, the more confused I am with all of those conflicting thoughts. You'd think that I would stop talking to earthly people, and instead talk to God about it, but that would be the smart and good idea. But instead, I talk to people and end up confused and unsatisfied. Once again, I wish that I could chat with God and see his face. Sit on the couch with him and have a good heart to heart. Or even cry on His shoulder... Not yet, but someday.

I'm done rambling. I'm going to take my own advice and go spend some time talking to Him about stuff. And it will be wonderful, I know it.

Face to face

So it's no secret that my love language is physical touch. I love to hug and be close to the people I love. And there is nothing better than hugging someone that you haven't seen in a while. You know the tight hug that goes on and on and that neither of you want to let go of...that is one of my favorite things in this world. I have so many wonderful friends, that I love and adore that unfortunately do not live close to me. So when I finally do get to see them, those hugs are fantastic. With all that being said, lately i've been thinking about that moment when I am face to face with God for the first time someday. I imagine that moment to be one of the most amazing and indescribable moments ever. I cannot even begin to put into words how amazing it will be to be in the arms of God. In that moment, nothing else will matter, and it will be just him and I and it will be glorious. I imagine him holding me and putting his arms around me and there we will stay for quite some time. It's going to give me a feeling of safety and love that I have never felt on this earth, and can only feel in Him. So so wonderful.
Selfishly, I wish that I could hug Him now, because I do love physical touch. But I know that is selfish and not something that I can experience here. But I will look forward to that day so much. What a glorious day.

He knows me so well.

Today I realized something. It was a very awesome and humbling thought.  God made me get sick to ultimately draw me closer to him. I think about the fact that he had to literally knock me flat on my butt for three weeks to draw me closer to him, and it makes me frustrated with myself. I shouldn't have to be unable to move, to finally whole heartedly seek Him. But then I think about the fact that He did if FOR me, not TO me. So even though being sick for the past few weeks has sucked, and knowing that I'll feel yucky for a while longer, I can say it was worth it. Worth it because, for the first time in a long time, I am falling more and more in love with my Savior everyday... and it feels wonderful. I don't deserve His love and His grace, but I love that He gives it so freely to me.

:: Sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters. Tears rolling down my face, because of your love and your sweet embrace...Your grace it covers me. Your love, it covers me. O God, you cover me...::

God's plan, not mine.

My best friend recently shared a quote with me... and it really shook me. 
"Rise, O Lord, into Your proper place of honor, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health and even my life itself. Let me decrease that you might increase; let me sink that you might rise above."-Tozer (The Pursuit of God)


When I first saw this, I read it and instantly began to meditate on it and apply it to my own life. I very quickly realized that though it was always my desire and intention, that I had never truly given my future and life to God. I've always known that God made me to do great things for Him and I've tried hard to be obedient to Him but never had I spoken those words (or anything close to it) and completely surrendered my life and my future to Him. I know that God has a plan for my life, and I truly believe that He is preparing me daily for what is yet to come for me. And I also believe that He has given me certain desires and wants because He is going to give them to me at some point. But all of that aside, I never really gave up all of my wants and expectations of this life to God. Well not until recently anyways. 


Sure, I have a long list of goals and wants for this life and they are all things that I would love. But they mean nothing if they aren't his plan for me. Honestly, I like to be in control of situations and of my life. And it's scary that by giving that to him fully, He could call me to do things or send me places that terrify me. But I'd rather be terrified living obediently, then content living luke warm. So here I am, giving up my desires, my ambitions, and really my life to God. I'm excited to see God use me in life. And I just keep remembering that I don't deserve to be used by Him. I'm not perfect by any means, and I stumble and fall, and yeah basically I suck. But he wants to use me, to use all of me, even my weakness... What an honor. 


With all of that being said, God is amazing and He blows me away everyday. The last few weeks I have spent lots of time resting, sleeping, and laying around. He turned me being super sick into lots of time for me to study His word and grow closer to Him. It is my desire to learn more and more about Him, and to be daily growing my relationship with Him. Glorious. 

I adore them

There are 3 people in my life that I adore more than words can express. Noah. Jonah. and Leah. While I've been sick, seeing them (not being able to touch or come close to them though) has brought me so much joy. They are 3 little blessing from God. And yes they are the cutest, sweetest, little boogers ever!

Leah Faith

Jonah William

Noah Ryan

Making changes not resolutions.

I think that making resolutions for the new year is silly. It's like saying I am making a commitment to try and... Or you could make the change and follow through with it. I think that resolutions leave you with too many ways to fail and/or give up. I am making changes in my life. But my want for change in my life did not come because the new year hit. But instead because of a book I'm reading. This book challenges everything I thought about faith and is making me see how differently I need to look at it. The book is Radical by David Platt... it's fantastic. But saying that, doesn't do it justice. Basically it takes what we know as "religion" and tells us that it's wrong. First off, I hate the term religious and spiritual..what does that even mean? I don't want to be either I want to have a life changing relationship with God.

There is so much more I want to talk about. But I am falling asleep as I write this...More to come.