Family

Tonight my dad put on a dvd of old family footage. When I say old, I mean from the 50's. At first I thought to myself, this is lame. And then I saw my grandpa who I never got to meet, and my grandma who I haven't seen since I was 11 and I instantly got tears in my eyes. I got sad for a few reasons... first because I feel like I really missed out on getting to know my grandpa. He died of cancer when I was 9 months old, but for my entire life all i've ever heard is what a wonderful guy he was. I'm sad that i've never had a grandfather figure in my life, and wish that I had those memories. I'm also sad, because I miss my grandma. I miss going to her house and eating cheese and ring bologna (if you've never had it, you're missing out!). I miss the fact that she had a stump (one of her legs had to get amputated, as weird as that sounds), I miss that she always had blue Extra gum, and I miss the lemon drops in her candy dish. Day to day I really don't think about it, or miss her all that much, but after seeing her on the dvd, it made me pretty sad. I think I also got sad because as I look at my parents watching old family memories, missing their entire family and particularly their parents, I know that at some point that will be me. As much as my parents make me crazy, I cannot imagine my life without them, and I don't like the feeling in my stomach even as I am writing that. The thought that someday all I will have to remember them is video and pictures, makes my heart break... I need to stop thinking about it, because quite honestly I'm balling just typing this...

But on that subject, I have been praying for more compassion. I feel like the past couple of years I have really had a hard heart because of some different events that have happened. For a while a few years ago, things just kept happening that broke my heart (and my families) over and over again. It came to a point where it was easier to not feel anything, then to feel so sad. And I realized that because of those events, I had lost a lot of compassion because it was easier. So I began praying.... God break my heart for what breaks yours. Give me the compassion that you have for us... I didn't really notice this happening until yesterday. I was on my way to the bank. I was stopped at a light, and saw this guy crossing the street. He was walking very slowly pushing his wheelchair across the street. As he tried to hurry across Garfield, with cars getting annoyed that he was crossing I noticed that it was a struggle, and then looked at his feet. His one foot had clearly been amputated to some degree and was wrapped in a cast and because his legs were different lengths he was limping pretty hard. His clothes were very worn, he didn't have a coat on and it was 40 degrees. And right there I just started to cry for him, and honestly thought about getting out of my car and hugging him, although I decided that I shouldn't do that. I prayed for him.

God has opened my heart back up and has shown me how to show compassion. He has broken my heart for what breaks His...

At times I get frustrated. When I pray, I want an instant answer (we all do). But he never ceases to amaze me. He always does things in His timing and though I don't always understand it, I'm thankful for it.

Okay.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them" -Romans 8:28

With that being said, I am trying not to freak out. I know that God has called me to this point in my life, and as long as I stay obedient to Him, he will continue to provide and take care of me. I am going to look into getting a second part time job and hopefully babysit some more...

If anyone reading this needs a babysitter, or knows anyone who might need a babysitter, please let me know! I love kids, and would love to spend more time with them :)

What good is worrying? I am going to be proactive and get a plan, but worrying isn't what we are called to do, instead pray and trust in Him.. and that is what I'll do.

And the good news is, Christmas in only 2 months and 2 weeks away.. and I love me some Christmas :)

Goodnight.

Awesome...

So before I didn't have to start paying back the loans until February.. but today I got a letter saying that they made a mistake, and I actually have to start paying on them next month... awesome. That gives me less time to get a plan and get the money. Oh and I really can't even think about getting a second job until after I finish student teaching and school (Dec.)... ugh.

I'm struggling, and I'm really trying to stay optimistic and just trust God on this, but it's getting harder and harder everyday... I'm going to need some direction...

Sorry I'm such a downer lately... I don't even want to be around me right now.

Not okay.

I am going to go ahead and just be honest and tell you that I am not okay. Actually I am a total emotional wreck right now. I have known that soon I would have to start paying on my student loans. Today I called them, and well let's just say that I am royally screwed. I have one very large loan, and 3 smaller ones. The large loan wants me to pay 265 a month, and each of the smaller loans wants around 50... So we are looking at 415 a month... only I DON'T HAVE THAT. Oh and they are private loans, and chances are the interest rate will go up, and be even more monthly. The person that I talked to was super great, and nice which I was thankful for, but I feel like I am never going to get out of debt and that I don't have any solution.

I cannot afford that. And when I talked to my family about it their response was that I need to get a job that pays better. Or get a second job. And i know that both of those are probably true... but I'm not okay with giving up a job I love, and I can't imagine the amount of hours I would have to work in addition to what I'm already working....

I'm freaking out, and feel like I have no options. I don't know what I am going to do. And part of me is super annoyed at God...(even though I know that isn't okay). I feel like, He's called me into this field, shouldn't that mean that He will provide for me somehow??? ugh. I don't know. I'm a mess.

I could use some prayer, or encouragement, or if anyone reading this has $40,000 dollars sitting around, I'd take that too. Hah I wish.

Convicted.

Right now I am feel a lot of conviction in my life. I try to do the right things, and a live a life that glorifies God. And I get so mad at my self when I realize that I have once again fallen short. Tonight as I sat listening to what I should be doing, I felt like I had fallen short in many ways. Again- I think that I TRY, but I also know that I can and need to do some much better with everything. I need to kick satan's butt and not allow him to use me in ANY way. Right now I feel like a failure and that I'm not doing things right. I don't say these things, to get compliments or anything like that, I say these things because I feel like I need to admit them, and then work on them 100%. So that is what I'll do. I just hate this feeling...And I know that I cannot do anything on my own, but only with God's help...

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

ugh.

I hate money. Scratch that... I hate the lack of money. I have to start paying back my student loans this month. I have a lot of loans from school. I need to contact them to see how much they want my payment to be, but last time I got paper work from them, they wanted me to pay $425 a month... clearly that will not be possible. So hopefully they will work with me..

Friday my dad's company had to put them all on 32 hours and cut their pay 10%. Financially my parents were barely making it before, and now with these changes, they aren't going to make it at all. And if things don't improve at my dads company, they will have to close, and then things go from bad to worse. And the worst part of it is, I can't help them financially, because I really don't have it either. And if/ when we lose our house, I can't afford to live on my own...

With all that being said, please just pray for us.

Once again I say... I hate money.

Fall...

I love fall. I love the smell of fall. I love that fall is the beginning of many months of family, food, and fun! I love pumpkins. And cider mills. The changing of leaves. Bonfires. The feel of a cold rain. I love to throw on a hoodie, jeans, and tennis shoes and feel warm and cozy. And I love love love cuddling up with 10 blankets and lots of pillows... (and if we are being honest, I would love to have someone to cuddle up with... but I guess I will wait on that for a while).

Some other things about fall that i love, but that I know I shouldn't:

-Cider

-Donuts

-Carmel apples

-Pumpkin Pie

If you couldn't tell... I am a big fan of fall. Someday when I move out and have a place of my own, I will be one of those people who decorate for every holiday. Nothing crazy, but cute little decorations around the house, make my heart happy... and when it comes to Christmas Decorating I will go buck wild.

As much as I love fall, I love Christmas even more. But we'll save that for another day.

Some other stuff...

I got Site Director  next summer! I am super excited and cannot wait to see what next summer will bring in my life, and in the lives of others. But I am so honored that God is using me again for His glory.

I am working on contentment. It is something that I have been praying about, but I haven't been able to completely surrender myself to God. I know that I need it in my life, now and forever. I don't care what God has for my life. I am willing and open to what He has... but right now, and forever I need to be content with everything...

"So I’ll stand. With arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the One who gave it all.

So I’ll stand. My soul Lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours..."