What the weird...

Am I the only one who hates Claymation Christmas movies??? They are so weird, and boring, and lame... I'm just saying.

Only 8 more days until I'm done with school! And only 19 more days until Christmas!!! Love it :)

Warning...

This blog might be a bit on the grumpy side... sorry ahead of time. And it might result in a pity party... again I'm sorry.

As I sat at Thanksgiving dinner, I thought back to a year ago... when I told myself, "this time next year, I'll have a serious boyfriend to bring to holiday stuff"... only here I am a year later, in the exact same position. And then as I looked around at all of my cousins, I realized that I am one of the only few left that isn't married or engaged... and that didn't help me to feel any better. Then I had two pretty horrible thoughts...

1. Am I going to be single forever?

And 2. Is there something wrong with me, and that's why I'm single?

Don't get me wrong.. I'm not desperate.. and I won't settle for any guy who comes my way... I'm frustrated and I'm ready to find THE guy for me. I'm just ready. Ready for a real relationship, ready to be thinking about marriage, and ready to have a family.

And in my mind, I think... Well if I'm single because God's not ready for me not to be... than I'm okay with it. And honestly I only want to be in a relationship if it's what God wants for me... I'm just sick of waiting. And the holidays certainly don't help at all...

I just need some reassurance that neither of my horrible thoughts are true.

I know that God has a plan for me, and that it's better than anything that I could ever plan for myself, and that is so exciting. But I also am impatient. And I need some hope that it will happen.. and hopefully sooner rather than later...ugh.

That's all.

Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful and blessed.

November already?

Well it's been a while. It's been a crazy few weeks. I made my first student loan payments this month, so far so good. I think i've figured it out, so that I can make it work. It will be tight, but starting in January I will start making some money each week for work that I will be doing for this summer, and that will be a huge blessing.

This month so far has been kind of lame. I've been sick a lot, first Bronchitis, then I had to get a CT scan done on my stomach and I got super sick from the barium (so so so gross), then I got the stomach flu... all in like 2 weeks times. Thank God that my work is so awesome and understanding. But missing work so much hasn't helped my financial situation any, but what can I do? I'm just praying I won't get sick anymore...

Today I got test results back about my stomach problems I've been having... no gluten allergy and no Crohn's... PTL! And the CT scan looked normal... All good news, but i'm kind of frustrated that they don't know why my stomach is such a mess... hopefully I'll get some answers.

I'm worried about my mom. Be praying for her. She went in for a check up and they did some routine blood tests and then called her and told her she needed to come to go over the results... i'm nervous and worried. Please pray for her. She's scared and worried. Her appointment is tomorrow night at 5:15...

On to some good news! I am going to Ohio this weekend to visit some of my favorite people from camp! I am so excited, I have missed them so so much :) Yay!

Alright that's all... have a great night!

Only 44 days 'til Christmas!!!---Oh yes the countdown has begun :)

Family

Tonight my dad put on a dvd of old family footage. When I say old, I mean from the 50's. At first I thought to myself, this is lame. And then I saw my grandpa who I never got to meet, and my grandma who I haven't seen since I was 11 and I instantly got tears in my eyes. I got sad for a few reasons... first because I feel like I really missed out on getting to know my grandpa. He died of cancer when I was 9 months old, but for my entire life all i've ever heard is what a wonderful guy he was. I'm sad that i've never had a grandfather figure in my life, and wish that I had those memories. I'm also sad, because I miss my grandma. I miss going to her house and eating cheese and ring bologna (if you've never had it, you're missing out!). I miss the fact that she had a stump (one of her legs had to get amputated, as weird as that sounds), I miss that she always had blue Extra gum, and I miss the lemon drops in her candy dish. Day to day I really don't think about it, or miss her all that much, but after seeing her on the dvd, it made me pretty sad. I think I also got sad because as I look at my parents watching old family memories, missing their entire family and particularly their parents, I know that at some point that will be me. As much as my parents make me crazy, I cannot imagine my life without them, and I don't like the feeling in my stomach even as I am writing that. The thought that someday all I will have to remember them is video and pictures, makes my heart break... I need to stop thinking about it, because quite honestly I'm balling just typing this...

But on that subject, I have been praying for more compassion. I feel like the past couple of years I have really had a hard heart because of some different events that have happened. For a while a few years ago, things just kept happening that broke my heart (and my families) over and over again. It came to a point where it was easier to not feel anything, then to feel so sad. And I realized that because of those events, I had lost a lot of compassion because it was easier. So I began praying.... God break my heart for what breaks yours. Give me the compassion that you have for us... I didn't really notice this happening until yesterday. I was on my way to the bank. I was stopped at a light, and saw this guy crossing the street. He was walking very slowly pushing his wheelchair across the street. As he tried to hurry across Garfield, with cars getting annoyed that he was crossing I noticed that it was a struggle, and then looked at his feet. His one foot had clearly been amputated to some degree and was wrapped in a cast and because his legs were different lengths he was limping pretty hard. His clothes were very worn, he didn't have a coat on and it was 40 degrees. And right there I just started to cry for him, and honestly thought about getting out of my car and hugging him, although I decided that I shouldn't do that. I prayed for him.

God has opened my heart back up and has shown me how to show compassion. He has broken my heart for what breaks His...

At times I get frustrated. When I pray, I want an instant answer (we all do). But he never ceases to amaze me. He always does things in His timing and though I don't always understand it, I'm thankful for it.

Okay.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them" -Romans 8:28

With that being said, I am trying not to freak out. I know that God has called me to this point in my life, and as long as I stay obedient to Him, he will continue to provide and take care of me. I am going to look into getting a second part time job and hopefully babysit some more...

If anyone reading this needs a babysitter, or knows anyone who might need a babysitter, please let me know! I love kids, and would love to spend more time with them :)

What good is worrying? I am going to be proactive and get a plan, but worrying isn't what we are called to do, instead pray and trust in Him.. and that is what I'll do.

And the good news is, Christmas in only 2 months and 2 weeks away.. and I love me some Christmas :)

Goodnight.

Awesome...

So before I didn't have to start paying back the loans until February.. but today I got a letter saying that they made a mistake, and I actually have to start paying on them next month... awesome. That gives me less time to get a plan and get the money. Oh and I really can't even think about getting a second job until after I finish student teaching and school (Dec.)... ugh.

I'm struggling, and I'm really trying to stay optimistic and just trust God on this, but it's getting harder and harder everyday... I'm going to need some direction...

Sorry I'm such a downer lately... I don't even want to be around me right now.

Not okay.

I am going to go ahead and just be honest and tell you that I am not okay. Actually I am a total emotional wreck right now. I have known that soon I would have to start paying on my student loans. Today I called them, and well let's just say that I am royally screwed. I have one very large loan, and 3 smaller ones. The large loan wants me to pay 265 a month, and each of the smaller loans wants around 50... So we are looking at 415 a month... only I DON'T HAVE THAT. Oh and they are private loans, and chances are the interest rate will go up, and be even more monthly. The person that I talked to was super great, and nice which I was thankful for, but I feel like I am never going to get out of debt and that I don't have any solution.

I cannot afford that. And when I talked to my family about it their response was that I need to get a job that pays better. Or get a second job. And i know that both of those are probably true... but I'm not okay with giving up a job I love, and I can't imagine the amount of hours I would have to work in addition to what I'm already working....

I'm freaking out, and feel like I have no options. I don't know what I am going to do. And part of me is super annoyed at God...(even though I know that isn't okay). I feel like, He's called me into this field, shouldn't that mean that He will provide for me somehow??? ugh. I don't know. I'm a mess.

I could use some prayer, or encouragement, or if anyone reading this has $40,000 dollars sitting around, I'd take that too. Hah I wish.

Convicted.

Right now I am feel a lot of conviction in my life. I try to do the right things, and a live a life that glorifies God. And I get so mad at my self when I realize that I have once again fallen short. Tonight as I sat listening to what I should be doing, I felt like I had fallen short in many ways. Again- I think that I TRY, but I also know that I can and need to do some much better with everything. I need to kick satan's butt and not allow him to use me in ANY way. Right now I feel like a failure and that I'm not doing things right. I don't say these things, to get compliments or anything like that, I say these things because I feel like I need to admit them, and then work on them 100%. So that is what I'll do. I just hate this feeling...And I know that I cannot do anything on my own, but only with God's help...

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

ugh.

I hate money. Scratch that... I hate the lack of money. I have to start paying back my student loans this month. I have a lot of loans from school. I need to contact them to see how much they want my payment to be, but last time I got paper work from them, they wanted me to pay $425 a month... clearly that will not be possible. So hopefully they will work with me..

Friday my dad's company had to put them all on 32 hours and cut their pay 10%. Financially my parents were barely making it before, and now with these changes, they aren't going to make it at all. And if things don't improve at my dads company, they will have to close, and then things go from bad to worse. And the worst part of it is, I can't help them financially, because I really don't have it either. And if/ when we lose our house, I can't afford to live on my own...

With all that being said, please just pray for us.

Once again I say... I hate money.

Fall...

I love fall. I love the smell of fall. I love that fall is the beginning of many months of family, food, and fun! I love pumpkins. And cider mills. The changing of leaves. Bonfires. The feel of a cold rain. I love to throw on a hoodie, jeans, and tennis shoes and feel warm and cozy. And I love love love cuddling up with 10 blankets and lots of pillows... (and if we are being honest, I would love to have someone to cuddle up with... but I guess I will wait on that for a while).

Some other things about fall that i love, but that I know I shouldn't:

-Cider

-Donuts

-Carmel apples

-Pumpkin Pie

If you couldn't tell... I am a big fan of fall. Someday when I move out and have a place of my own, I will be one of those people who decorate for every holiday. Nothing crazy, but cute little decorations around the house, make my heart happy... and when it comes to Christmas Decorating I will go buck wild.

As much as I love fall, I love Christmas even more. But we'll save that for another day.

Some other stuff...

I got Site Director  next summer! I am super excited and cannot wait to see what next summer will bring in my life, and in the lives of others. But I am so honored that God is using me again for His glory.

I am working on contentment. It is something that I have been praying about, but I haven't been able to completely surrender myself to God. I know that I need it in my life, now and forever. I don't care what God has for my life. I am willing and open to what He has... but right now, and forever I need to be content with everything...

"So I’ll stand. With arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the One who gave it all.

So I’ll stand. My soul Lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours..."

post camp...

Working camp is one of the best parts of my year. I love it. Everything about it... well almost everything. I'm not a big fan of the post camp experience. It's the time after camp, where you're home, but in a funk and not sure what to do with your life. I know it's because I go from being surrounded by 30 people my age with the same passion and purpose, serving together to coming home back to "normal" life. It is a hard time. I am coming towards the end of this hard time (I hope so at least). And I am glad about that, but at the same time I am sad, because it means that once again camp is over. I know it's hard for people who have never been a part of it, to understand, but I wish more people did. I wish that I could tell people how amazing the entire summer was, but words never seem to do it justice. This summer was life changing... life changing to the teenagers who came to camp, life changing to the inner-city kids we worked with everyday, and life changing to even me. God is so unbelievably amazing and He showed me that time and time again this summer.

The theme of the summer was MOVE a faith journey of Moses. It was a great theme, and has really made me think about my life and where I am at. Am I moving for God daily? Am I following His will? Do I have faith to let go? Faith to take a stand? Faith to go into the unknown? and most importantly do I have faith to wait?

I really don't know what the next 6 months... year... or even 5 years hold for me. I have a lot on my mind about what God wants for me and my life, and at times I get stressed and worry. And honestly I have come up with several long term "plans" for my life these past few weeks.. but that is silly. I need to have faith that God has it all under control and that if I am obedient to Him, I have no reason to worry. So for now I will have faith to wait. And while I wait I will be content with all areas of life... (including still having to live with my parents... I might need help with this one from time to time).

The past few days I have had this verse to a song stuck in my head...

"You make, all things work together for my good..."

Back home already.

This summer in Birmingham...

Number of salvation decisions - 93 
Number of rededications - 307 
Number of calls into ministry - 81 
Other decisions made - 176 
Number of people who came to camp this summer - 3,217 
Amount of money given to the missions offering - $31,310.57 

What an amazing thing to get to be a part of. God is so great. 

wow.

So I cannot believe that we just finished week 5 of camp and tomorrow starts week 6. And in 16 days, I will be back home in Michigan. Craziness. This summer has flown by, and it has been absolutely amazing. The thought of being done with camp makes me so so sad. The thought of leaving my staff makes me want to cry. But there are some things that make leaving here a little more exciting... I cannot wait to see Noah, Jonah, and Leah. I have missed those little ones. And seeing everyone for that matter. And sleeping in my bed, for a very long time.. yep that's exciting!

Week 4 and 5 were some amazing weeks. Between just those 2 weeks of camp we had around 100 students commit their lives to Christ and around 50 site children do the same... Can I get an amen? That is so glorious. Some days I wake up and feel so tired and physically drained that I don't know how I am going to get through the day, and then I think about how awesome God is, and how He is using me this summer to further His work, and it makes my day so much easier and happier. 

Each saturday, as the students leave I challenge them to continue serving their cities as they get home from camp. I talk to them about how it is our job as christians to serve others and share God with them daily. And then I thought about it... Do I do that when I'm not Mfuge staffer Jesse? I mean I try. But If I look at my life while I'm in Michigan and then look at my life while I'm at camp, I am going to see some differences. 

I feel like I do a lot of different things to serve others, and that it's probably "enough". But that is so easy and lame. I need to pour out onto others and serve others everyday, the way I do at camp. I've been thinking about ways that I can do that... if you have any suggestions let me know. 

I love that each week God uses me to speak to students and children. It is such an awesome opportunity that he has blessed me with. And I love that I serve a God that teaches me knew things day after day, as I am teaching others.

We sing a song each week and it is one of the most amazing songs I have ever heard. Every time I hear this song, I am over come with the idea that I serve a great a mighty God. And that I am unworthy of Him. But that doesn't matter to Him. He loves me for who I am. He loves regardless of my every weakness, my every fear, my every failure. And I want everyone to know that feeling, and my God. 

Here is the chorus...

"You are holy great and mighty
The moon and the stars declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, but still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are..."

I will leave you with some pictures from the last few weeks....

Me and Dimitrias... I love this little boy.

I love this little girl.

Emily, Paige, and I @ our "Snowball"...

Sweet little Lavarius

Mega Relay... Don't ask.. :)

God is so amazing...

Tonight... 70 teenagers gave their lives to Christ... it was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. God is so good!!!!  :)

Week 3

Well week 3 is over, and actually week 4 has already begun. Week 3 was a great week. I had an amazing group of kids, and adults this week... and yesterday I was sad to see them leave. On friday, I took my group to an apartment complex and got to spend some time just playing with and loving on the kids in a huge field. It was one of my favorite days of site so far... there were 5 sweet babies under the age of 4 and they were such blessings. I have some fun pictures of them, that I will add when I have some time. But they were absolutely adorable! 

Last night we went out with our lifeway coordinator and our entire team for our staff appreciation dinner.. we went to the cheesecake factory and it was delicious! I got a yummy pasta dish, and then some chocolate raspberry truffle cheesecake (could that sound anymore like me if it tried?!?)

After dinner, we came back to campus and had to set back up the stage, because today at 10:30 started week 4! This weekend was a bit shorter, than most, but because of it next weekend we get 3 days off!! yay! Well I need to get ready for opening celebration. 

Please pray for our team this week. We didn't get much off time this weekend, and so we are all starting this next week very tired. Pray that God will give us the energy that we need, to have an amazing week of camp! Thanks guys.

Week 2

Week 2 of camp is over... I have very mixed feelings about it. I had an amazing group of bible study students, and my site this week was absolutely amazing. But we had some rough times on our team... including many trips to urgent cares, and emergency rooms. But in the end it was still an amazing week, and God's work was still done. Lives were changed, and that is what camp is all about. At my site alone, 6 boys became christians! These boys have horrible home lives, and have lived through things things that I cannot even imagine, their lives were changed for eternity. I feel so lucky to be able to be a part of something so big and so awesome. 

Here is a picture of my site kids, and bible study kids from this week. 

.: I maybe down but I will rise. It maybe dark but God is light:.

Week 1

Week 1 was absolutely amazing. First weeks can be hard, especially when it's the first week at a location, and amazingly this past week so well. I had an amazing group of bible study kids, and I love my site kids... it was great! Tiring but amazing. I've spent the weekend trying to get caught up on sleep, but we'll see how long that lasts. Other than that we have just spent the whole weekend hanging out and having fun. Today we went to the laundromat.. I spent 9 dollars to wash and dry two loads... that was lame, but I needed clean clothes. Well I'm about to go grab some dinner with everyone. Have a great night!

Tomorrow at 10 am starts week 2... :)

The campers are coming!

Tomorrow around 1:00, we will start our first week of camp. We have spent the last 11 days trying to learn and prepare for camp, and tomorrow it all starts! It is a very exciting, yet scary time. This time last year I was nervous, anxious, and worried that I wouldn't be able to remember everything that I needed to. This year, I am calmer. There is a healthy amount of worry, but mostly I am just pumped to do it all again! 

Please pray for our team, many of us have some type of cold or something. One of us had it, and it has passed from person to person. It's nothing horrible. But coughing and congestion, and just feeling like junk. Today during our prayer, 10 of us coughed and it was only a 2 minute prayer! So hopefully God will heal us quick! oh and this morning the program staff brought us breakfast... it included Muffins, donuts, orange juice, and Vitamins! So hopefully the healing will come fast! 

Well I need to finish some laundry, and then get some sleep. 

Day off..

Today is our day off. With eleven days of training, they give us an entire day off to do whatever we want. Which is amazing. For me that meant sleeping in until 10:15, getting ready, getting a pedicure, and then shopping. Right now I am being responsible and getting my laundry done. And I am enjoying just some alone and quiet time. It is great. Right now a bunch of the team is playing some basketball, so in a while I think some of us will go watch them.. it will be good times.

This time next week, we will have campers! That is such a crazy, yet exciting thing to think about. I cannot wait. As I start this summer I have a few things I could use some prayer about...energy, patience, intentional ministry, good health, good attitude and above everything else that God will be able to fully use me for His glory. 

Last night our staff had a time of worship together. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. At Samford they have this beautiful Chapel and we got to have worship in there last night. It is absolutely gorgeous. We sang some songs, we read through some verses and then we just sat and thought, and prayed and sang some more. It was so amazing, and exactly what I needed in that moment. The entire time we were in there, my thoughts were about heaven. About me someday going to heaven, praying for those in my life who don't have a relationship with God, and also just about how it is up to us as christians to go and spread God's word and love to those who don't know Him. It left me feeling so lucky to be worthy of something life heaven... I'm a sinner, and despite that, I get to spend eternity with God. 

This is such a wonderful and exciting thing that He has allowed me to be a part of, and I am so thankful for that. Well I think I am going to go call my parents... 

Training Week

Well guys lots of stuff has been going on since I last updated. arrived in Birmingham AL on thursday. Since then, we have been doing non-stop training from about 8am-11pm-ish. It's a lot to take in and learn in a short time, but it is all so helpful and will make camp work so much better. 

Well guys It's almost midnight, and I have to be up early so I can't fill you in on everything. But I do want to tell you about tonight. For "family time" we spend about 2 hours in prayer. First we all spent time praying over each other, then we prayed for the students we will be working with and for the burdens they could/will have this summer. It was so great. Just to hear so many people praying out loud at the same time, left me feeling so blessed to be here doing this. 

My team is ahmazing. We are such a perfect mix of people and I have already fallen in love with them. This is going to be a great summer. And I can't wait to see how God uses me and this team for His glory.

Goodnight guys. Love you!

Rain, Rain, Go away.

So I am in Bowling Green Ky. I drove about 9 hours today, it should have been way less, but took a super long time because of the torrential downpour that happened 3 times today. It was not fun and btw I hate Ohio. I hate I-75 through Ohio. I'm not a fan of crazy truck drivers that cut me off. Tomorrow I only have "4 hours" drive to birmingham... But we'll see. Hopefully it will take less time, and not more. Let's cross our fingers. Have a great night!

On my way...

Well guys, I am leaving in a few minutes to begin my journey down to Birmingham! Today I am driving to bowling green, then finishing on to birmingham tomorrow! Please pray that I will get there safely and that God will keep me alert while I'm driving! Thanks guys! I hope you have a great day :)

5 days

Only 5 days until I leave for the summer. I am starting to realize how much I am going to miss my niece and nephews while I am gone. Every time I think about saying good bye to them, I cry a little bit. I'm not looking forward to saying good bye to them...at all. But I AM looking forward to going and serving God this summer. I know that God is going to use me to do amazing things for His glory and that is so amazing! 

Here is my address. Please feel free to send me stuff... anything really, just to let me know that you love me! :)

Jesse Scenga/M-Fuge Staff

Samford University

800 Lakeshore Dr.

Birmingham, AL 35229

Done.

I am officially done with classes for the semester..yay! I don't think I have ever been so happy to finish a semester. Only one more semester and then I am done! I can't wait! 

2 weeks from today, I will be on my way to Birmingham. I can't believe it. Please pray for me as I prepare to serve God this summer. Pray that God will prepare every part of me.. spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

I am going to try to find a way to move out on my own next fall. I hope I can make that happen. I love my family, and living with them isn't bad at all. But I so badly want my own place and to feel like a worthwhile adult. Hopefully it will all work itself out, we'll see.

Friday

I am so happy that it's friday. It has been a long week, and I am glad to see it come to an end. Only one more week of school and I can't wait. I am so ready to not have to think/ worry about homework or class. 

Lately I have noticed that I am a pretty emotional person. And I find myself trying to justify why I show my emotions all of the time.. And I don't understand when I'm doing this. Is there something wrong with showing emotion? I've never thought so before, but lately I feel like there is something wrong with that. Now I could see if I were an emotional mess that cried everyday... that would be problematic, but that's not me at all. Hmm... maybe I'm just spending more time with people who don't where their heart on their sleeve like I do. But either way, I want to stop trying to justify that to people. I am who I am. I am emotional, and care about people, and yes I even where my heart on my sleeve most of the time. But that's me.

Next thought. I normally do well with change, and often I actually enjoy mixing things up. But this time it's different. I'm struggling. It's not a huge change in my life, just a change in one aspect of my life. Most of the people around me seem to be totally fine, while I am sad and struggling. Could this go back to me being too emotional? Or is this normal? I don't know. 

I do know that I am stressed and feeling overly busy with end of the semester stuff and trying to get myself prepared for the summer. 

Camp. Glorious camp. Have I mentioned how pumped I am to go and spread God's love and message to the city of Birmingham? And how I can't wait to love on the children in the inner-city.. and teach hundreds of youth how amazing my God is? Camp is the only time in my life that I have ever felt that I was living in a way that is serving God. I don't think that it's because in my normal day to day life, I'm Not serving God (which may be true), but I think it's because at camp all you do all day long is serve others and serve God. That is what we were created to do, and there is nothing more satisfying in life. 

"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men..." Eph 6:7

ugh.

Sometimes I wish my feelings would be wrong. I'm sad. But I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic. That is what I'll do. Oh and pray. Pray, Pray, Pray. 

One more week of school...

22 days until I leave for the summer...

1 Million things to do...

Goodnight.

I could use some encouragement right now...ugh. So much to do, and not nearly enough time to do it all.

Cryptic...

Tired. Getting sick. Annoyed. Worried. Stressed. Busy. Excited. Confused. Still Tired. Ughh. That's all... 

hmmm...

Sometimes I get these feelings. Feeling about things that are going on around me or in my life. In the last 10 years every time I have had a feeling about something, it has come true. It's weird. Maybe it's the gift of prophecy.. who knows. These feelings are usually not about me. But about people or things around me.. hmmm.

I feel something. Something big going on around me. It has me worried. I wish I could help in this situation. But I don't think I can. So once again I will pray. 

Who knows maybe I'm totally wrong. But I feel a storm on the horizon...

A lot on my mind...

Lately I've really been feeling like God is going to do something major to change my life. And I'm okay with it. Today I was told about a possible change for my life. It's got me thinking. It would be amazing and soo great for me... but I need to wait and pray and see if it's God's plan for me... So I will wait and pray and hope that either way I get an answer.

p.s. I leave for the summer in 36 days and I am so pumped! I cannot wait! woohoo!

oh and vacation was great! I love the south and the warm weather oh and of course I LOVE THE OCEAN! all in all a great trip! And my 9 month old niece now responds to Hoss pants mcgee... it's glorious :) 

Dancing

I've realized something the last couple of days. I miss dancing. I danced from 2 years old until I was 18 years old. For most of those years, I danced 2-3 nights a week. I miss that. I miss listening to music and being able to just come up with combinations and dance. I miss teaching others how to dance. But most of all I miss the feeling I would get when I would dance my heart out. People always to me what a great performer I was, but I don't think that it was because I was putting on a performance, but because I was dancing with all that I had, and enjoying every minute of it. 

The last time I really dance was May of 2004. That is way too long, and it makes me sad. I need to find a way to start dancing again. I'd like to start teaching again too. It's crazy to think that something that once consumed so much of my life is now not really a part of it. I mean for two years, I co-owned my own dance company, that's crazy. I can't believe that I did all that while I was in high school, but then I graduated and it was all done. 

I'm need to find a way to get that part of me, back into my everyday life. 

Simply amazing...

"A thousand times I've failed Still your mercy remains 

And should I stumble again Still I'm caught in your grace  

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades 

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame 

My heart and my soul, Lord I give you control 

Consume me from the inside out Lord 

Let justice and praise become my embrace 

To love You from the inside out  

Your will above all else, my purpose remains 

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise  

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades 

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame 

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control 

Consume me from the inside out Lord 

Let justice and praise become my embrace 

To love You from the inside out"

                          "From the Inside Out" -Hillsong United

Again... Simply Amazing.

A lot of Nothing... yet everything I'm thinking about.

WW update... 2 more pounds last week. Once again I give the glory of that success to God. He is amazing and He shows me that over and over again. 

___________

I live looking forward to the next thing in my life. For example,  I have many countdowns going on right now.

*77 days until I leave for camp 

*29 days until I leave for Vacation in Myrtle Beach

*11 days until my Birthday

This is always been how I live my life. And when I don't have something to look forward I struggle with life, until I have something new to be excited about. Is this weird? Or does everyone do this? Hmm...

____________

So today at work two of my friends and I were doing a Bible study. It was about prayer. And it talked about praying and asking God to help you with everything in your life, even the small things. As we talked about this, I realized that a lot of the time, when i'm praying and talking to God, I only ask him to help me out with the "big" things. I think it's because in my head I think that he's far too busy solving real problems and doesn't need to be bothered with helping me have a good day, or whatever other thing going on in my life that day. But that's silly. I need to look to Him for everything and not look at anything in my life as small to God. Even if it's small to everyone else, to Him it's important because it's important to me. 

I love spending that time studying His word with my co-workers. I am allowed to grow closer to God and my fellow sisters while "working"... how amazing is that. I think sometimes I take for granted how amazing that is and how lucky I am to have that. I love learning more about God and his word, but also looking at who I am and really trying to figure things out. Every lesson that I have done I have walked away feeling like I have learned a lot about myself and I love that. 

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So lately I have been having a lot of crazy dreams. Most of the time, I don't remember my dreams but lately I have been able to. I've had a lot of dreams about the lump on my neck that i had removed. And at first I was confused about why I was thinking about this since everything was okay and I had moved on. Last night I was watching a show  where a guy was dying of cancer. And as I watched the show I began to get more and more upset and had to actually turn off the show because I began to cry. I think that that whole experience really changed me and really shook me, which is totally understandable. But I think that when I got the biopsy back and everything was okay I just thought that it was done. I am seeing now that that experience is going to stay with me much longer than just two months. 

I could have very well had cancer. And with my immune system the way it is, I would have had a hard time fighting it. I had that attitude through out everything and I think that is what scared me so much. I also think that with so many people around me being diagnosed with cancer lately and losing many of them, I wasn't very hopeful. 

With all of this being said, I think that my walk has grown in huge ways over the last 3 months. I had to trust that even if I did have something scary, that He was in control and had a bigger plan for me. I had to show patience and trust in his timing while I waited for over a month to get the biopsy results back. And In the end I had to take that horrible time and make it something that changed me for the better. I hate that I had to go through that. And honestly I have never been so terrified, angry, and depressed in my life. I think that I hid it well. I mean people knew I was scared, but most days I didn't want to get out of bed. It messed me up, and every time I see my scar of my neck I get sick to my stomach re-living it. But ultimately I know that going through all of that made me a better person some how it's okay. Maybe someday someone I love will go through a similar situation and I will be able to help them... I wish I would have had someone like that, but I didn't, and I got through it. I don't know. Long story short- that experience had a lasting impact on my life forever. I learned who my real friends were. That I am stronger than I ever thought possible. That people love me more than I ever could know. That God is good all the time, even in the darkness. And for that I praise Him.

Beauty...

7 Down...  a lot more to go.

 If you don't know what that means.. I'll tell you! I started WW a week ago today. I weighed in today and I lost 7 pounds my first week. I'm pretty pumped. I can't take all of the credit though..I have prayed everyday for God to help me with this, because it is something that I cannot take on on my own. But with Him I know that anything is possible.

I remember when I was younger (high school, early college), thinking about how I needed to change so many things about myself. I had a list of reasons why I was ugly and not good enough. And though I've kind of moved past those thoughts in my life, I found myself thinking about that the other day. My list was short, but to me it was the reason that no guy could ever fall in love with me. Here is my (old) list. 

1. I had horrible teeth

2. I had Psoriasis covering most of my body

3. I was overweight

So as I thought about this a week ago I realized that I was almost to where I wanted to be years ago (and honestly where I want to be now, I just don't look at it in the same way). 

I got braces, so my teeth are great. I'm managing my skin with medicine and lifestyle. The only thing left was my weight. 3 hours later I joined weight watchers. 

Please don't read this and think that I think that i need to be skinny and perfect to get a guy. That isn't what I'm saying at all. I think that when I made that list years ago in my head it was more about feeling confident in myself and less about finding a stupid boy. 

I didn't join to get skinny so that boys will like me. I didn't join to make others happy. I joined and am doing this to make myself feel confident and happy with who I am. I also feel like I'm wasting part of my life being unhappy with myself. God has made me beautifully in His sight, he's given me a relatively healthy body, and instead of loving myself, i've spent many years unhappy with his work. That's crap, and I wish I could take those years back. I can't. But instead I can work on "reshaping" his work back to where it should be. So that is what I'll do. 

I know not every week will go as easily as this week. Most people don't lose 7 pounds in 7 days. And trust me I'm eating and being healthy. My prayer is that not only will I lose weight but that I will get in better shape, feel better, and love my outerself as much as I love my innerself. 

Lovely, admirable, and excellent...

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:8. This is a verse that has gotten me through many hard times. For many years I struggled with anxiety.. so bad that I had to leave school, because most of my anxiety was in the classroom. Through many months of counseling and meditating on that verse, I have found my way out of anxiety (for the most part). And for that I know I owe it all to Jesus. 

Now as I think about this verse, I look at it as a challenge in my life. To think, speak, and act in ways that are honorable, lovely, admirable and excellent. Sometimes it's hard to stop yourself from having a bad attitude, but I really want to be able to stop myself from thinking or saying negative crap. 

I honestly believe that if I fix my mind on these things, I will be a much happier person... ALL of the time. 

I think about this summer, and how people constantly told me that they could see my love of Jesus shining through in all that I did. I'm hoping that with a change of attitude and frame of mind, people will be able to tell by looking at me, that I am in love with my God. Other than that, what really matters? Nothing. 

I hope that this verse does something in your life as well.. because it's pretty amazing.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise".

~Philippians 4:8

M-Fuge

This summer I will be working camp in Birmingham Al @ Samford University!!! Yay, I am so excited. I cannot wait! I will be there May 28-July27!!! AHHHHH!! :)

So Beautiful

This is my precious niece Leah. She is beautiful and and love her very much! Someone we know from church did a photo shoot of her on saturday and these are her amazing pictures!

Confused

Right now I am feeling very unsettled with where I am at right now in life. Don't get me wrong I love my life, I love my family, friends, my job, my summer job and where I live. And yet at the same time I find myself wondering if I am meant to do something totally different in the near future. Am I supposed to move down south? I don't really have any reason to move there, but it is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. In the fall I will graduate, should I continue on with my bachelors? Or stop where I am? 

I wish that I knew where I would be in 2 years, 3 years, maybe even 5 years, because I feel like once I know those answers, I will know what to do from here. 

But I also know that if I knew everything about my future, I wouldn't be able to figure things out on my own and experience things and probably even make the mistakes that will be made. 

I feel like I need a big change in my life... I don't know what exactly needs to be changed, but I feel like I need to really take a huge leap of faith and do something completely scary and just put my trust in God completely. 

I guess I just need to wait.. wait, wait, wait. I hate waiting. But I know that is what I need to do. Wait and Pray. 

God always shows me what to do and what is next for me, but it's in His time, and usually his time isn't the same at my time... 

I'm such a slacker...

So for Christmas this year I got this amazing One Year Bible. I know that I have not read the bible in it's entirety and I feel like that's pretty lame. So I was really good about reading it for about 4 days... and then life got busy, I had surgery, and I came up with many other lame excuses. It is something that I really want to do, but it is also something that I know will be really challenging for me because I am a horrible reader. But I suppose I should just stop making excuses and just do it.  I mean how can I know what I believe, if I haven't ever read every word of the Bible? I cant. 

So for those of you who are reading this... if you could periodically ask me how this is going, that would be amazing... Clearly I need some accountability in my life.

 Why is it that it is so easy to talk the talk, but not walk the walk? I am a Christian, and I'm pretty sure that everyone that knows me, knows that about me. And I really try to live a life led by God, and in a way that brings honor to Him.. but we all fall short from time to time, and though that is in no way an excuse, I sometimes find myself clinging to that thought...

I am a such a critical and judgmental person. And I hate that about myself. Tonight a good friend of mine told me that I am the most merciful person he knows. And I don't know how I feel about that... Do I show mercy to those who need it? Do I show mercy at all times? And the more I thought about it, the more I didn't like what I came up with. 

I was glad that someone who knows me pretty well thinks that about me, but I don't know that I can say that I show mercy at all times. I feel like I CAN be merciful to those who need it, but I am not all the time.  

Fr0m that my mind wandered to all of the others way that I am a slacker in my faith. I was people who don't know me to look at me and see someone who is in love with God, and who shines for Him. And right now that is not me. It was this summer, and I know that that is who I want to be. I want my thoughts, words, and lifestyle to glorify Him. I know that day to day I am a good person. I try to live my life right and make godly choices, but I need to take it to the next level. 

 “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" - Revelation 3:15-16

I don't want to be luke warm anymore. Lord, Light the fire in my weary soul.... 

Some thoughts...

First of all, I am happy to announce that I got my test results back and everything is good! PTL!!! I am so happy to have these last two months done and over with, and am ready to move on with my life.

I find myself looking forward to this summer. Actually, most days I can't wait to get to camp and start my summer. And it's not because I hate my life or job or anything like that. I actually love my job, and feel good about going to school. I think it's more about wanting to go and serve others all day everyday. We as christians were made to serve. Serve God and Serve others. But why does it take me going to camp, to make me serve others? I don't need to be at christian camp to do what I was made to do. I should be serving everyone that I come into contact with on a daily basis.

As I took katie for her fuge interview, I was so glad that I was given the oppurtunity to work camp. I found myself, thinking about every aspect of camp while we were in Louisville. From the youth that I met each week, to the kids that I taught while serving, to the youth leaders that I was able to encourage, as they encouraged me. And then I thought about the 28 amazing people that I got to work camp with. 29 strangers, all there for the same purpose... to serve God and serve others. In 8 weeks, they went from strangers to family. And it's sad that at the end of summer we all dispersed all over the country. I have stayed close with many of those amazing people, and I learned so much about myself, about life, and about my relationship with God because of them. And together we encountered hundreds of youth, kids, adults and families.

It was hard to leave Charleston. It was hard to leave my "family" at the end of last summer. It was hard to return back to "normal" when I got home. But the hardest thing was coming home, and not being able to truly explain to people what my summer was like. Because until you've worked camp, or maybe even just been to Fuge, you can't understand. Sometimes when I say I am working a christian camp, I feel as though people laugh at me a little bit. M-fuge is not your typical "youth camp". It's bible study, it's worship, it's serving the community, it's changing lives, changing the world, and changing who you are. It changed me. For the better. God used me to bring 9 kids to the Lord. And through my camp location alone, 160 youth came to know the lord. It wasn't me, It was Christ in me that did it.

I've been back for 6 months. And not a day goes by that I don't think about this summer. I think about my friends, or a youth that was having a hard time, or even just the face of a precious child who I met and loved on.

Here are some pictures from my summer.


Haley, Lily and I. These girls didn't have much. But they were happy and loved life.


Sometimes we act crazy!


Sweet little Talia. Such an adorable 3 year old. I wish I could have brought her home with me.


Ghetto slip and slide at 1 am... why not? :)


One final thought...
Never in my life have I ever been so exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually... and yet every picture I am in, I look happier than I ever have in any picture. Once again, it gets back to doing what God created us to do- serve and love.

Waiting

I've always had a hard time waiting. Waiting for something to happen, waiting to see someone, or even just waiting to go buy something that I want. This is something that I have really tried to work on in my own life. Because I can't control everything... and often I can't control anything. The last few months I have had to wait. Wait on doctors. Wait on progress. Wait on results. 

I have some pretty big news coming my way anytime now. And honestly the news is results that I should have had back a few weeks ago. But instead of knowing my fate, I am stilling having to wait. Could this be God teaching me something? 

Honestly, I am pretty confident that everything is going to come back okay. But I don't know that for sure, and I won't until a doctor confirms it.

Over the last few weeks I have had many awesome people asking me if I have heard anything yet... and I always respond with "No, they didn't have the results yet, but should by this friday". 

As I responded with that for probably the 50th time this week, I had a thought... Why am I not calling my doctor everyday to get answers? Why am I okay with just waiting to be told the results?

Is it that I really am that confident that it is okay? Or is it more along the lines of I'd rather pretend that everything is fine as long as I can? 

After much thought, I still don't know the answer to these questions...

cutie

Sweet little Snow Bunny!

Tonight my niece and nephews came over and I watched them so that my sister and brother in law could go help kids get ready for mid-terms at their school. My nephews who are 2 1/2 and almost 4 were crazy! And Leah (the precious baby you see above) screamed the entire 3 hours that she was at my house... okay maybe not the whole time, but for real 2 hours of it. She has really bad acid reflux and is in pain most of the time, and it breaks my heart to hear her cry the way she does. I was going crazy by the time they left and then I stumbled upon this picture in my computer and it made me forget (momentarily) about all of the screaming that had taken place tonight... She is so beautiful and so cute and even when she screams and screams, I still absolutely adore her. That's all. Goodnight.

Crazy...

I just finished watching the movie Twister (for probably the 50th time).  I have always said that I would like to some day like in the south, if God ever wanted to call me there... and that is still something that is true. However, now I am going to pray that if God  does want me to move south, that He never sends to me to Tornado Alley. People who live there are crazy... no offense. 

Precious

If you know me, you know that I love kids. I adore everything about them. They are so sweet and innocent, and so curious about everything. And I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. 

Lately (the last few weeks anyways), I haven't had the patience for them that I usually do, and that I want to have. This bothered me. Because they deserve better than that. I'm assuming that the lack of patience was because of some stuff going on in my life that I am worrying about, but I just felt like doing the kids in my life a unjustice. 

Most of my life involves me interacting with children. I mean my nephews, niece, cousins, work, and church all involve amazing little kids. 

This week has been different. I feel like I'm back to "normal" (whatever that may be for me). I have found myself loving every minute I have spent with those precious kids. They light up my life in a way that nothing and no one else have ever been able to do. 

Today one of my kids that probably makes me the most crazy, but that I also absolutely adore told me he loved me more than his Christmas presents. Now to a 3 year old, I'm going to guess that that is a lot of love. And all day he told me that he wanted to help my boo boo feel better. He spent time patting my back because that's what his mommy does when he doesn't feel good. And he even picked up a pen for me off the floor, so that I would have to "hurt my boo boo". 

At first I thought that he was just being sweeter and more helpful than usual... but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was something more. I had more patience and love for him, and was able to just really love on him all week. And in return, when I needed it, he loved on me. 

Tonight my nephews were over and they are crazy. But man do I love them. I spent time reading books to them and playing with cars and blocks (we always do these things). And they just spent the evening only wanting me. Not grandma and grandpa or their parents, but aunt jesse. I truly believe that kids can sense when people need them. They knew that I needed some cuddle time and that I was worried about something, and they just loved on me. It was great. The time I spent with little ones today was precious. They are precious. 

Once again, I thank God for allowing me to spend my days with such amazing little people.