Broken

I am reading a book for work.. it's called A Tale Of Three Kings. I'm not a very good reader, so if we're being honest i've had to re-read a lot of it, to really understand what they are trying to tell me. But there was something that stuck out to me, and something that totally changed the way I thought. Brokenness. We are all broken people. Broken by all different kinds of things, and for different reasons. Society tells us that being broken is a weakness, something that we need to "get over" and learn from. However this book talks about how many times God needs us and wants us to be broken before he can use us fully. What? God wants me broken and weak? That just seems crazy. I remember singing a song many years ago, the lyrics were... " Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for... Brokenness is what I need..." I remember singing that song at church never really thinking about what I was singing and why God would want me to be broken. But the more i've thought about it, when we are broken we are at our weakest, and honestly probably more open to being used by God. Only when we are truly broken, can He come in and work in us and change us and use us. Such a simple thought. So with that being said... There is such beauty and potential in being broken...

Wedding Dress

The first time I heard this song, 3 years ago.. I really didn't know what to think. I liked it, but in all honesty I didn't totally understand it. So I put it on my ipod and would listen to it periodically. It wasn't until a few months ago, that I really sat and listened to it, that I understood what this song is about.

It's controversial and raw and really touches on things that we as christians and as the church need to think about. The song is talking about how we need to find fulfillment in Christ. And how when we find it in other things, we are whores..."I am a whore I do confess, But I put you on just like a wedding dress and I run down the isle"... I also think that God has a much more beautiful view of what marriage should be, and that we have it completely wrong.

Then he sings, "So could you love this bastard child"...wow. This is looking at people who are different, and sinners, and who don't know Jesus... do we get to know them and invest in them? Do we love them like Jesus would? Or do we pretend and "pray" for them, but keep them at a distance.

I like when artists call us out. Individually and as a church. I think that we all have the best of intentions but things go wrong. We mess it up. And slowly things get off track. He is calling us out. The really beauty in the song is this: We are whores. We are prodigals. But God makes us new and beautiful. Awesome. Simply awesome.

Thankful.

I have many blessing in my life to be thankful for. I have an overall idea that we should be grateful and thankful everyday of the year, not just on thanksgiving...However, I will take this holiday as an opportunity to thank God for all that He has given me. It is easy to focus on just the bad in our day to day life, but that is silly. When I focus on the positive, I find myself much happier with life as a whole. There is my list of things that I am grateful/thankful for...
-My amazingly crazy wonderful family
-My fantastic friends (even though many of them live way too far away
-An amazing job filled with great kids and even better co-workers
-A God that loves me more than I could ever imagine, and forgives me every time I mess up
-Noah, Jonah, and Leah...who are my favorite people in the whole world
-Getting to be a part of something as amazing as camp
-A place to live, with food, and everything I could ever need

I am blessed. Sure things in my life aren't always perfect, but God provides me with everything I need... I think it's important to fill my life with Thanksgiving to God. He gives and takes away. I find myself turning to God more in the icky times (which I think we all do this), rather than looking to him always. I get myself into these little situations, and then can't seem to get out of them without him. Oh hey I have an idea..why don't I look to Him from the beginning? Then maybe I won't be in crap situations...silly me.

I know it's normal that as a christian I go through spiritual highs and lows... but I don't want to say "it's normal" and have it be a cop out... There really is no excuse for a low time. He is always there, wanting me to draw nearer to him... but it's when I get busy or whatever that I pull. Dumb. I realized in the last week that I am in a low time, and if we're being honest it's because I realized that I had lost my bible and that I hadn't seen it in almost 2 weeks...and that's a problem. So to remedy that I am filling my bedroom with scripture. I have a blank wall, and I've already written some of my favorite verses and put them up. I love it and my hope is that when people come over, they will add their favorite verse to my wall. So if any of you reading this have any favorite verses...please share them, i'd love to add them! I just think that the best way to live my life is to be surrounded by His words and promises.

In the words of my sweet little Leah...Happy Skanksgiving! I prefer Happy Hossgiving!  Either way... lol.
Enter his gates with Thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. Psalm 100:4

When your love is all I need, And forever I am free...

So today as I was teaching my little kids sunday school class we were talking about sin. Sin is a super hard concept for me to fully understand, yet alone teach to a K-2 grader... but I did my best with it. I love that even as God is using me to teach others, I am learning so much. We talked about sin, and what it is, and God's love, and forgiveness. Then they asked about heaven... and as I tried to describe in words what heaven would be like, I felt as though I couldn't do it justice. And I can't. Because in my worldly form I cannot yet understand the greatness and awesomeness of heaven. So I was honest with them and told them that. Then we talked about what we thought heaven would be like. It was so awesome to hear their sweet and innocent thoughts about what eternity would be like. I got to share some of my favorite verses in Romans with them, and I felt as though they were actually understanding it.

"For everyone has sinned: we all fall short of God's glorious standard."- Romans 3:23
So I'm a sinner. I suck, and I fall short, and I disappoint any amazing God on a daily basis. I wish that I could say that those things weren't true, but they are. But it's okay, because I am forgiven by an indescribable savior. I am so unworthy of his love and forgiveness, but so thankful.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38
When I read these verses, I get the chills. Nothing can separate me from God. Not death, or satan, my fears and worries...Nothing. In a world that seems to let me down, and break my heart daily these verses give me so much hope. Life on earth is full of great times, and crappy times. And that's okay. Because eternity is going to be filled with total and complete awesomeness with God. Again, I will say it, I am so unworthy of God's love and grace, but I am so thankful for it.

I spent most of the sermon today thinking more about sin and heaven. Then I got in my car and one of my favorite hillsong songs was on...You hold me now. I love this song, and it always touches my heart as I sing the words of it. Here it is...

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name


Amazing. Simply amazing. I cannot wait to face to face with God. Reunited with those I have loved and lost, and surrounded by people worshipping my God. I need to be a light for those who do not yet know Him. So that someday they can be a part of something so amazing. Why is that I can go to camp and share Jesus with hundreds of people, but I struggle to share him with my family and people I care about the most? 

A whole lot of nothing

There is so much I want to say, but no matter how many times I say it and try to process it, it still makes no sense. I feel like I'm talking but not really saying anything. Even now...nothing. I love blogging. I love putting my thoughts onto "paper", well you know what I mean. But I find there to be this constant struggle of revealing too much, and not enough. I wish I could say all that I wanted to say right now, but I know I would regret it. So for now... all of this nonsense is all I will say. Fail...

Shut my mouth

Sometimes I am glad that God holds my tongue. In so many incidents there are so many things that I wish I would have said in the moment...but after the fact am so glad I didn't say. After many conversations I look back and think of 20 things I should have said differently. This week alone I have thought back on numerous conversations that I wish I would have done differently. So instead I replay the conversations in my head, and say what I should have said. Most of the time I kill the other person with my words...in my head anyways.
Funk. Right now I'm in a funk. I think that is the only way to describe it. I hope it passes soon, it's my favorite time of the year, and I don't want to waste it with this janky attitude. Ugh.
I am blessed to work where I do. I love love love the people that I get to work with everyday, and I seriously have some of the cutest kids ever. In the midst of my "funk" this week, my co-workers and the little cuties have brought so many smiles to my face. It is a wonderful thing. They are a blessing to me.

So I'm bored... don't judge.
35 days until Christmas
124 day until my Birthday
181 days until Camp

Someday...

I absolutely love this song. This song is my heart and what I look forward to someday. I have yet to find a guy that can lead me spiritually, but I know that God has someone perfectly made for me. I'll hold onto that hope and promise until He shows him to me...

It's the most wonderful time of the year.. again.

I know it's a bit early, but over the last two days I have spent much of my time decorating for Christmas. Judge if you want... but it's happening. I love Christmas. Whether it's Christmas in July at camp or real life Christmas it's fantastic all the same. I have this idea of what it should be. And so far, in my 24 years of life it has never met my expectations.... but I can hold on to that hope that someday it will.
This year, I thought might be the year.... but I have quickly realized that it will not. That's okay, I guess it will give me something to look forward too. Regardless, I love it all the same. I love to get people the perfect gift and then watch the Joy on their face as they open it. I love to see the christmas lights on the snow, and sing every christmas song that plays on the radio at the top of my lungs. I love to drive around and look at lights, drink hot cocoa, and play in the snow. I love to cuddle up by a fire and listen to it crackle and pop as I stare at the tree. All of these things make my heart happy, and I look forward to them each year. 
Having my own house to decorate is kind of amazing. I want people to walk into my house and instantly love christmas and have a smile on their face. I had great hopes of decorating the outside of my house, but unfortunately I don't see that happening anymore...fail. So I'll just have to make up for the outside, by totally going crazy on the inside. Prepare your hearts. 
Sometimes I think about how frustrated God must get with us...well me really. There He is wanting more than anything for me to fall more and more in love with Him each day, and I totally take advantage of Him and keep him on the side burner. He is number one, most of the time. What? That is so messed up. When I think about any guy that I've ever liked, and I think about how it takes a short time to decide you like someone and then begin falling for them and then I think about this amazing God who has been waiting for us to fall in love with Him our whole lives, it makes me sad. It's so stupid, really. I have this amazingly fantastic life changing God wanting me so desperately to fall more in love with Him... and what do I do, squeeze Him in when I have time. Not okay.  I wish that God was more tangible. I want to see him, talk to him, hold his hand, and give him the biggest hug I've ever given. In those moments I know that I will find true happiness and feel totally safe. What a glorious day that will be... selfishly I wish it could be now, but how sweet it will be. 
"Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." -Phillippians 4:7