What the weird...

Am I the only one who hates Claymation Christmas movies??? They are so weird, and boring, and lame... I'm just saying.

Only 8 more days until I'm done with school! And only 19 more days until Christmas!!! Love it :)

Warning...

This blog might be a bit on the grumpy side... sorry ahead of time. And it might result in a pity party... again I'm sorry.

As I sat at Thanksgiving dinner, I thought back to a year ago... when I told myself, "this time next year, I'll have a serious boyfriend to bring to holiday stuff"... only here I am a year later, in the exact same position. And then as I looked around at all of my cousins, I realized that I am one of the only few left that isn't married or engaged... and that didn't help me to feel any better. Then I had two pretty horrible thoughts...

1. Am I going to be single forever?

And 2. Is there something wrong with me, and that's why I'm single?

Don't get me wrong.. I'm not desperate.. and I won't settle for any guy who comes my way... I'm frustrated and I'm ready to find THE guy for me. I'm just ready. Ready for a real relationship, ready to be thinking about marriage, and ready to have a family.

And in my mind, I think... Well if I'm single because God's not ready for me not to be... than I'm okay with it. And honestly I only want to be in a relationship if it's what God wants for me... I'm just sick of waiting. And the holidays certainly don't help at all...

I just need some reassurance that neither of my horrible thoughts are true.

I know that God has a plan for me, and that it's better than anything that I could ever plan for myself, and that is so exciting. But I also am impatient. And I need some hope that it will happen.. and hopefully sooner rather than later...ugh.

That's all.

Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful and blessed.

November already?

Well it's been a while. It's been a crazy few weeks. I made my first student loan payments this month, so far so good. I think i've figured it out, so that I can make it work. It will be tight, but starting in January I will start making some money each week for work that I will be doing for this summer, and that will be a huge blessing.

This month so far has been kind of lame. I've been sick a lot, first Bronchitis, then I had to get a CT scan done on my stomach and I got super sick from the barium (so so so gross), then I got the stomach flu... all in like 2 weeks times. Thank God that my work is so awesome and understanding. But missing work so much hasn't helped my financial situation any, but what can I do? I'm just praying I won't get sick anymore...

Today I got test results back about my stomach problems I've been having... no gluten allergy and no Crohn's... PTL! And the CT scan looked normal... All good news, but i'm kind of frustrated that they don't know why my stomach is such a mess... hopefully I'll get some answers.

I'm worried about my mom. Be praying for her. She went in for a check up and they did some routine blood tests and then called her and told her she needed to come to go over the results... i'm nervous and worried. Please pray for her. She's scared and worried. Her appointment is tomorrow night at 5:15...

On to some good news! I am going to Ohio this weekend to visit some of my favorite people from camp! I am so excited, I have missed them so so much :) Yay!

Alright that's all... have a great night!

Only 44 days 'til Christmas!!!---Oh yes the countdown has begun :)

Family

Tonight my dad put on a dvd of old family footage. When I say old, I mean from the 50's. At first I thought to myself, this is lame. And then I saw my grandpa who I never got to meet, and my grandma who I haven't seen since I was 11 and I instantly got tears in my eyes. I got sad for a few reasons... first because I feel like I really missed out on getting to know my grandpa. He died of cancer when I was 9 months old, but for my entire life all i've ever heard is what a wonderful guy he was. I'm sad that i've never had a grandfather figure in my life, and wish that I had those memories. I'm also sad, because I miss my grandma. I miss going to her house and eating cheese and ring bologna (if you've never had it, you're missing out!). I miss the fact that she had a stump (one of her legs had to get amputated, as weird as that sounds), I miss that she always had blue Extra gum, and I miss the lemon drops in her candy dish. Day to day I really don't think about it, or miss her all that much, but after seeing her on the dvd, it made me pretty sad. I think I also got sad because as I look at my parents watching old family memories, missing their entire family and particularly their parents, I know that at some point that will be me. As much as my parents make me crazy, I cannot imagine my life without them, and I don't like the feeling in my stomach even as I am writing that. The thought that someday all I will have to remember them is video and pictures, makes my heart break... I need to stop thinking about it, because quite honestly I'm balling just typing this...

But on that subject, I have been praying for more compassion. I feel like the past couple of years I have really had a hard heart because of some different events that have happened. For a while a few years ago, things just kept happening that broke my heart (and my families) over and over again. It came to a point where it was easier to not feel anything, then to feel so sad. And I realized that because of those events, I had lost a lot of compassion because it was easier. So I began praying.... God break my heart for what breaks yours. Give me the compassion that you have for us... I didn't really notice this happening until yesterday. I was on my way to the bank. I was stopped at a light, and saw this guy crossing the street. He was walking very slowly pushing his wheelchair across the street. As he tried to hurry across Garfield, with cars getting annoyed that he was crossing I noticed that it was a struggle, and then looked at his feet. His one foot had clearly been amputated to some degree and was wrapped in a cast and because his legs were different lengths he was limping pretty hard. His clothes were very worn, he didn't have a coat on and it was 40 degrees. And right there I just started to cry for him, and honestly thought about getting out of my car and hugging him, although I decided that I shouldn't do that. I prayed for him.

God has opened my heart back up and has shown me how to show compassion. He has broken my heart for what breaks His...

At times I get frustrated. When I pray, I want an instant answer (we all do). But he never ceases to amaze me. He always does things in His timing and though I don't always understand it, I'm thankful for it.

Okay.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them" -Romans 8:28

With that being said, I am trying not to freak out. I know that God has called me to this point in my life, and as long as I stay obedient to Him, he will continue to provide and take care of me. I am going to look into getting a second part time job and hopefully babysit some more...

If anyone reading this needs a babysitter, or knows anyone who might need a babysitter, please let me know! I love kids, and would love to spend more time with them :)

What good is worrying? I am going to be proactive and get a plan, but worrying isn't what we are called to do, instead pray and trust in Him.. and that is what I'll do.

And the good news is, Christmas in only 2 months and 2 weeks away.. and I love me some Christmas :)

Goodnight.