Family

Tonight my dad put on a dvd of old family footage. When I say old, I mean from the 50's. At first I thought to myself, this is lame. And then I saw my grandpa who I never got to meet, and my grandma who I haven't seen since I was 11 and I instantly got tears in my eyes. I got sad for a few reasons... first because I feel like I really missed out on getting to know my grandpa. He died of cancer when I was 9 months old, but for my entire life all i've ever heard is what a wonderful guy he was. I'm sad that i've never had a grandfather figure in my life, and wish that I had those memories. I'm also sad, because I miss my grandma. I miss going to her house and eating cheese and ring bologna (if you've never had it, you're missing out!). I miss the fact that she had a stump (one of her legs had to get amputated, as weird as that sounds), I miss that she always had blue Extra gum, and I miss the lemon drops in her candy dish. Day to day I really don't think about it, or miss her all that much, but after seeing her on the dvd, it made me pretty sad. I think I also got sad because as I look at my parents watching old family memories, missing their entire family and particularly their parents, I know that at some point that will be me. As much as my parents make me crazy, I cannot imagine my life without them, and I don't like the feeling in my stomach even as I am writing that. The thought that someday all I will have to remember them is video and pictures, makes my heart break... I need to stop thinking about it, because quite honestly I'm balling just typing this...

But on that subject, I have been praying for more compassion. I feel like the past couple of years I have really had a hard heart because of some different events that have happened. For a while a few years ago, things just kept happening that broke my heart (and my families) over and over again. It came to a point where it was easier to not feel anything, then to feel so sad. And I realized that because of those events, I had lost a lot of compassion because it was easier. So I began praying.... God break my heart for what breaks yours. Give me the compassion that you have for us... I didn't really notice this happening until yesterday. I was on my way to the bank. I was stopped at a light, and saw this guy crossing the street. He was walking very slowly pushing his wheelchair across the street. As he tried to hurry across Garfield, with cars getting annoyed that he was crossing I noticed that it was a struggle, and then looked at his feet. His one foot had clearly been amputated to some degree and was wrapped in a cast and because his legs were different lengths he was limping pretty hard. His clothes were very worn, he didn't have a coat on and it was 40 degrees. And right there I just started to cry for him, and honestly thought about getting out of my car and hugging him, although I decided that I shouldn't do that. I prayed for him.

God has opened my heart back up and has shown me how to show compassion. He has broken my heart for what breaks His...

At times I get frustrated. When I pray, I want an instant answer (we all do). But he never ceases to amaze me. He always does things in His timing and though I don't always understand it, I'm thankful for it.