Awesome...

So before I didn't have to start paying back the loans until February.. but today I got a letter saying that they made a mistake, and I actually have to start paying on them next month... awesome. That gives me less time to get a plan and get the money. Oh and I really can't even think about getting a second job until after I finish student teaching and school (Dec.)... ugh.

I'm struggling, and I'm really trying to stay optimistic and just trust God on this, but it's getting harder and harder everyday... I'm going to need some direction...

Sorry I'm such a downer lately... I don't even want to be around me right now.

Not okay.

I am going to go ahead and just be honest and tell you that I am not okay. Actually I am a total emotional wreck right now. I have known that soon I would have to start paying on my student loans. Today I called them, and well let's just say that I am royally screwed. I have one very large loan, and 3 smaller ones. The large loan wants me to pay 265 a month, and each of the smaller loans wants around 50... So we are looking at 415 a month... only I DON'T HAVE THAT. Oh and they are private loans, and chances are the interest rate will go up, and be even more monthly. The person that I talked to was super great, and nice which I was thankful for, but I feel like I am never going to get out of debt and that I don't have any solution.

I cannot afford that. And when I talked to my family about it their response was that I need to get a job that pays better. Or get a second job. And i know that both of those are probably true... but I'm not okay with giving up a job I love, and I can't imagine the amount of hours I would have to work in addition to what I'm already working....

I'm freaking out, and feel like I have no options. I don't know what I am going to do. And part of me is super annoyed at God...(even though I know that isn't okay). I feel like, He's called me into this field, shouldn't that mean that He will provide for me somehow??? ugh. I don't know. I'm a mess.

I could use some prayer, or encouragement, or if anyone reading this has $40,000 dollars sitting around, I'd take that too. Hah I wish.

Convicted.

Right now I am feel a lot of conviction in my life. I try to do the right things, and a live a life that glorifies God. And I get so mad at my self when I realize that I have once again fallen short. Tonight as I sat listening to what I should be doing, I felt like I had fallen short in many ways. Again- I think that I TRY, but I also know that I can and need to do some much better with everything. I need to kick satan's butt and not allow him to use me in ANY way. Right now I feel like a failure and that I'm not doing things right. I don't say these things, to get compliments or anything like that, I say these things because I feel like I need to admit them, and then work on them 100%. So that is what I'll do. I just hate this feeling...And I know that I cannot do anything on my own, but only with God's help...

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

ugh.

I hate money. Scratch that... I hate the lack of money. I have to start paying back my student loans this month. I have a lot of loans from school. I need to contact them to see how much they want my payment to be, but last time I got paper work from them, they wanted me to pay $425 a month... clearly that will not be possible. So hopefully they will work with me..

Friday my dad's company had to put them all on 32 hours and cut their pay 10%. Financially my parents were barely making it before, and now with these changes, they aren't going to make it at all. And if things don't improve at my dads company, they will have to close, and then things go from bad to worse. And the worst part of it is, I can't help them financially, because I really don't have it either. And if/ when we lose our house, I can't afford to live on my own...

With all that being said, please just pray for us.

Once again I say... I hate money.

Fall...

I love fall. I love the smell of fall. I love that fall is the beginning of many months of family, food, and fun! I love pumpkins. And cider mills. The changing of leaves. Bonfires. The feel of a cold rain. I love to throw on a hoodie, jeans, and tennis shoes and feel warm and cozy. And I love love love cuddling up with 10 blankets and lots of pillows... (and if we are being honest, I would love to have someone to cuddle up with... but I guess I will wait on that for a while).

Some other things about fall that i love, but that I know I shouldn't:

-Cider

-Donuts

-Carmel apples

-Pumpkin Pie

If you couldn't tell... I am a big fan of fall. Someday when I move out and have a place of my own, I will be one of those people who decorate for every holiday. Nothing crazy, but cute little decorations around the house, make my heart happy... and when it comes to Christmas Decorating I will go buck wild.

As much as I love fall, I love Christmas even more. But we'll save that for another day.

Some other stuff...

I got Site Director  next summer! I am super excited and cannot wait to see what next summer will bring in my life, and in the lives of others. But I am so honored that God is using me again for His glory.

I am working on contentment. It is something that I have been praying about, but I haven't been able to completely surrender myself to God. I know that I need it in my life, now and forever. I don't care what God has for my life. I am willing and open to what He has... but right now, and forever I need to be content with everything...

"So I’ll stand. With arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the One who gave it all.

So I’ll stand. My soul Lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours..."