Oh, hello camp.

Well, it's camp time again. And we just finished our first week of camp. It went well, there were logistically a lot of details I had to work out, but all in all in was a great week. The last few weeks have been filled with lots of training to get us ready for this summer... it was hard and tedious but well worth it.

My job at camp is to work on setting up and planning ministry projects for each group to go to for the summer. So since February I have spent time trying to prepare for the great ministry that will take place in Charleston this summer. It was such a blessing to get to go and visit my staff at their sites and see the great things going on there. There were multiple times this week that I got tears in my eyes as I watched students, adults, and staffers love on the people at their site. It was such a blessing to get to see.

While I was at one of the nursing homes this week I was just so broken for the people there. So many of them were sick and who knows how much longer they would live. And as I thought about that I felt such an urgency to share the gospel with them, because it might be their last chance to hear it. But then as I thought more about that, I started to think about how none of us are promised tomorrow. We are not promised another day, yet so many of us aren't where we should be spiritually and as a christian I am not sharing God's love the way that I should be. It was a good reminder of what my purpose really is on this earth. I (we) are called to serve God, love God, and spread His name to the nations... Boom.

Waiting... Patiently?

Right now I feel like I am waiting on a lot of things in my life. I've always been the kind of person who once i've decided I am going to do something or that I want something, I make it happen. I see this to be both a good and a bad quality. And I know for a fact, that it is something that used to make my dad crazy about me. Don't get me wrong, i've had to wait on things, many things before. But never like this. I wish that I could just snap my fingers and make a few specific things happen.
I think the thing that is the most frustrating is that they are all things that I feel like God is saying will happen... he's just also telling me to wait and be patient. That's the hard part. The other day my devotional was about waiting on God's timing... and I know that the mere fact that that was the topic is an awesome reminder of how I need to shut up and wait on Him. But anyways, I was reminded through scripture that I have a time and a plan for my life and that God does too. And that ultimately, I don't want things in my timing but in His. So... I will wait. I will wait on God. And I will wait on a few other people and situations as well. Hopefully God will give me some patience in the meantime.

So I leave for camp in 33 days and I'm not sure if it's a countdown or a deadline...lol. I spend last week in South Carolina. A few days were spent in myrtle beach visiting family and enjoying the beach and the majority of the time was spent in Charleston setting up stuff for this summer. Being there, really helped me to get excited about camp this summer. There is such a great need in that city and I am so blessed to get to be a part of the awesome things God is going to do there in the next few months. With every person that I met with they were all so excited to partner with MFuge again. And when I met with people who were new to working with MFuge, they just kept asking, "what is in it for us?" They just couldn't understand why we would want to help out and give back and share our time and talents. That was such a humbling thought... I mean as christians isn't that what we are called to do? And yet, it's so rare that people are a little apprehensive about our motives... it was a sad realization.

Also, the other day I was in the book area at Walmart and I heard the most saddening thing i've heard in a long time. There was a mom with her son... he was probably 4. They were looking for a book and the little boy picked up a children's Bible and asked his mom what it was. She told him that it was the bible. He asked if they could buy it and she told him "No, it's not a good book, you wouldn't like it". I seriously heard this whole exchange and got tears in my eyes. It took all I had in me not to go over there tell the women she was wrong and then share God with that sweet little boy. It broke my heart.

Space.

So lately I have noticed myself pushing people away. And in complete honesty I don't know why I'm doing it, or even how long i've been doing it. But it hit me all at once that I am absolutely doing it to many people in my life. I find myself doing it in weird ways and for no real reason at all... at least none that I have figured out yet. At first I thought that it was just certain people were getting on my nerves but then I realized that it wasn't them... it was most definitely me. I'm going to have to work on this. Because clearly I don't want this to be the norm for me. Am I doing it because I'm leaving for the summer soon?...And maybe to me this will be easier? I don't know. Or maybe the real issue is me, i've been struggling with some different things lately, and maybe it's just easier to push people away then to open up and talk about stuff. Hmm, I shouldn't say that I've been pushing people away, because that isn't quite it. It's more like distancing myself.

Also, I've been finding myself worrying a lot about my future. I have this long list of goals and things that I would like to accomplish, and thought I've been able to check off many things from my list there are still many things I have yet to do. Sometimes, I worry that I spend so much time worrying and thinking about the next big thing in my life (whatever that may be), that I wonder if maybe I'm missing stuff in the present... Is that normal?

So last week at church we sang a new song. And I loved everything about it. The lyrics brought tears to my eyes as I sang them. And after I sang the words, I wondered if I would ever put them into action...
"I wanna be your hands and feet. I wanna be your voice every time I speak. I wanna run to the ones in need in the name of Jesus. I wanna give my life away, all for your kingdom's sake. Shine a light in the darkest place, in the name of Jesus"...


Wow. Those are some pretty spectacular thoughts. And they are exactly what we are called to do. And yet very few of us every truly put those words into motion. But my question is why? I don't honestly believe it's that we don't WANT to do it. I think it's that were are afraid to do it and also just hope that someone else will do it. But as I sing those words, I feel the words stirring deep in my heart. How awesome would it be if I did exactly what those words say. If I were his hands and feet and if every time I spoke I was his voice. What if gave my life away and went wherever he called me to shine a light to those who are hopeless? I get chills.

I really don't know what this would look like in my life. I know that I can do many of those things daily in my day to day life, and that that is what as a christian, I am called to do. But giving my life away and going where ever he sends me? I don't know. Part of me feels like that could never happen.. But another part of me hopes that some day He does it in my life. How awesome would it be to literally leave behind everything I have and follow him. Wow. One thing I do know, is I want to leave this world better than when I got here. And my prayer is that he uses me every day to help do that. That's what life is about and I'm being reminded of that daily.

Love.

Tomorrow is one of my least favorite days ever. I feel this way for a few reasons. One, probably because I have never had a b/f on Valentine's Day...so each year I feel like it's really "Hey, I'm single" day. But I think that even if I had a b/f on this day I would still think it was silly. Basically it is a day to show the person you're with how much they mean to you... precious. However, shouldn't you show them how special they are and how much they mean to you every day... not just February 14th? Yes. Yes you should. Don't get me wrong, someday when I'm in a fantastic relationship, I'm sure that I will have way less hate for this day... but until then, Valentine's day can bite me.

Lately I've been thinking about relationships though. Since I was young, I've longed for the day when I get married and have children. And lately I've found myself wanting it more and more and just trying to wait on God's timing. But then I started to look at the people around me . Now, what I'm about to say is going to sound super negative and I hope that I am wrong. But when I look some of the people that I know that are married I see such unhappiness. And then I started reading some scripture on what marriage and relationships should be. And as I thought about this, I realized that I've never seen a healthy christian marriage on a daily basis. Sure I know christians that are happily married or at least appear to be. But none of the people that I spend most of my time with have the kind of christian marriage that I want. And please keep in mind, I'm not trying to judge them... people do the best they can. But this leads me to a big question... Is there such a thing as a happy marriage? A marital relationship that is what the bible says it should be? And I ask that hoping that the answer to both is yes... because if not, I've spend years aching for something that isn't real.

The hopeless romantic in me hopes that I am wrong. And that it's out there. But the realist in me worries there is no such thing. Now I know that no relationship is going to be easy or perfect. But I really feel like if I can't have the kind of relationship that the bible talks about... I'd rather be single. Yeah, for real.

Good thing I have this awesome God who is totally and completely in love with me. He loves me in a way that words cannot describe and in a way that I am totally and completely unworthy of. I need to spend more time falling in love with Him on a daily basis, and less time on things of this world.

indecisive.

I've never understood people who have a hard time making decisions. I remember from the time I was young getting annoyed as people would go back and forth trying to figure something out because neither would just make a decision. Even if I don't know for sure, I generally make a decision and then go from there. And when I do know what I want, I make the decision and I do my best to make it happen. There can be negotiation if needed, and I'm okay with it not being what I want.  I just cannot stand going back and forth waiting for someone to decide and move on. For example, an age old stress that I have been a part of... what to have for dinner? I remember as a child listening to my family go back and forth on cooking? Take out? or going out to a restaurant? Man on man, they would just go back and forth and because it's my family talk super loud in the process.... could we just decide and eat already? hah. That is just one example, this happens all of the time and it makes me want to yell... Maybe I need to work on patience..hmm.

Speechless.

There is so much going through my head right now, but I have no ways to give it words to describe it all. It's frustrating, and I wish that I could process everything and then move on. It's not as bad as it sounds, I can promise you that. It's just stuff. And junk. And life... you know? Sometimes, I think that everyone could use a shrink. Someone who just listens as you talk and offers objective advice and solutions... Where can I sign up for that? For real. Everyone that I talk to has their own opinion and advice and slant on why things should be a certain way. And lately the more I talk to people, the more confused I am with all of those conflicting thoughts. You'd think that I would stop talking to earthly people, and instead talk to God about it, but that would be the smart and good idea. But instead, I talk to people and end up confused and unsatisfied. Once again, I wish that I could chat with God and see his face. Sit on the couch with him and have a good heart to heart. Or even cry on His shoulder... Not yet, but someday.

I'm done rambling. I'm going to take my own advice and go spend some time talking to Him about stuff. And it will be wonderful, I know it.

Face to face

So it's no secret that my love language is physical touch. I love to hug and be close to the people I love. And there is nothing better than hugging someone that you haven't seen in a while. You know the tight hug that goes on and on and that neither of you want to let go of...that is one of my favorite things in this world. I have so many wonderful friends, that I love and adore that unfortunately do not live close to me. So when I finally do get to see them, those hugs are fantastic. With all that being said, lately i've been thinking about that moment when I am face to face with God for the first time someday. I imagine that moment to be one of the most amazing and indescribable moments ever. I cannot even begin to put into words how amazing it will be to be in the arms of God. In that moment, nothing else will matter, and it will be just him and I and it will be glorious. I imagine him holding me and putting his arms around me and there we will stay for quite some time. It's going to give me a feeling of safety and love that I have never felt on this earth, and can only feel in Him. So so wonderful.
Selfishly, I wish that I could hug Him now, because I do love physical touch. But I know that is selfish and not something that I can experience here. But I will look forward to that day so much. What a glorious day.

He knows me so well.

Today I realized something. It was a very awesome and humbling thought.  God made me get sick to ultimately draw me closer to him. I think about the fact that he had to literally knock me flat on my butt for three weeks to draw me closer to him, and it makes me frustrated with myself. I shouldn't have to be unable to move, to finally whole heartedly seek Him. But then I think about the fact that He did if FOR me, not TO me. So even though being sick for the past few weeks has sucked, and knowing that I'll feel yucky for a while longer, I can say it was worth it. Worth it because, for the first time in a long time, I am falling more and more in love with my Savior everyday... and it feels wonderful. I don't deserve His love and His grace, but I love that He gives it so freely to me.

:: Sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters. Tears rolling down my face, because of your love and your sweet embrace...Your grace it covers me. Your love, it covers me. O God, you cover me...::

God's plan, not mine.

My best friend recently shared a quote with me... and it really shook me. 
"Rise, O Lord, into Your proper place of honor, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health and even my life itself. Let me decrease that you might increase; let me sink that you might rise above."-Tozer (The Pursuit of God)


When I first saw this, I read it and instantly began to meditate on it and apply it to my own life. I very quickly realized that though it was always my desire and intention, that I had never truly given my future and life to God. I've always known that God made me to do great things for Him and I've tried hard to be obedient to Him but never had I spoken those words (or anything close to it) and completely surrendered my life and my future to Him. I know that God has a plan for my life, and I truly believe that He is preparing me daily for what is yet to come for me. And I also believe that He has given me certain desires and wants because He is going to give them to me at some point. But all of that aside, I never really gave up all of my wants and expectations of this life to God. Well not until recently anyways. 


Sure, I have a long list of goals and wants for this life and they are all things that I would love. But they mean nothing if they aren't his plan for me. Honestly, I like to be in control of situations and of my life. And it's scary that by giving that to him fully, He could call me to do things or send me places that terrify me. But I'd rather be terrified living obediently, then content living luke warm. So here I am, giving up my desires, my ambitions, and really my life to God. I'm excited to see God use me in life. And I just keep remembering that I don't deserve to be used by Him. I'm not perfect by any means, and I stumble and fall, and yeah basically I suck. But he wants to use me, to use all of me, even my weakness... What an honor. 


With all of that being said, God is amazing and He blows me away everyday. The last few weeks I have spent lots of time resting, sleeping, and laying around. He turned me being super sick into lots of time for me to study His word and grow closer to Him. It is my desire to learn more and more about Him, and to be daily growing my relationship with Him. Glorious. 

I adore them

There are 3 people in my life that I adore more than words can express. Noah. Jonah. and Leah. While I've been sick, seeing them (not being able to touch or come close to them though) has brought me so much joy. They are 3 little blessing from God. And yes they are the cutest, sweetest, little boogers ever!

Leah Faith

Jonah William

Noah Ryan

Making changes not resolutions.

I think that making resolutions for the new year is silly. It's like saying I am making a commitment to try and... Or you could make the change and follow through with it. I think that resolutions leave you with too many ways to fail and/or give up. I am making changes in my life. But my want for change in my life did not come because the new year hit. But instead because of a book I'm reading. This book challenges everything I thought about faith and is making me see how differently I need to look at it. The book is Radical by David Platt... it's fantastic. But saying that, doesn't do it justice. Basically it takes what we know as "religion" and tells us that it's wrong. First off, I hate the term religious and spiritual..what does that even mean? I don't want to be either I want to have a life changing relationship with God.

There is so much more I want to talk about. But I am falling asleep as I write this...More to come.

Seriously.

It's been a while. Christmas was here and left way too soon. I feel like it flew by even more this year than usual. For Christmas my sister and luke took the kids (and I) to the Great Wolf Lodge in Ohio. We left Christmas day around 2 and spent the night there, it was good times. Although I felt like junk the whole time, it was lots of fun. Then The next day I found out I had Mono and Strep throat... which leads me to my next question.... are you freaking kidding me? I would like to say that the last three months have been good, but they have sucked. I have been struggling with my stupid thyroid and all of those issues, and now this. I'm trying to stay positive, but I have to be honest and say that I'm sicking of feeling like total junk. My thought is, that in the New Year it can only get better right? Gosh I hope so. So the next few days (atleast) will consist of me laying around like a bum, trying to get healthy. I don't have time or money to be sick, so I'm hoping that God heals me quickly. I've slept the greater part of the past three days, and though I know I need it and it's good for me, I'm already bored. Oh well, I'll stop complaining now. I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas and Happy New Year :)

Love

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ::Romans 12:9-10


Love. It is a word that we throw around a lot. Or at least I do. I "love" a whole lot of things/ people. But then I think about what God meant for the word love. I think that our biggest job as christians is to love. But I have to be honest and admit that sometimes I pretend to love people. It's not that I want to be fake, it's that sometimes people are unlovable (myself included). But these verses very clearly lay out that we should not just pretend to love others but we need to whole heartedly love them. It needs to be genuine and filled with the love of Christ. And when I think about it like that, I realize that I don't love a whole lot of things as Christ would. But that is my prayer... too love them like He does. 


It also says to hate what is wrong and hold tightly to what is good. Why is that so hard? Why do we naturally gravitate towards the wrong and take advantage of the good? Oh yeah... cause we are all lame sinners. It is so easy to get caught up in this world with the bad. After talking with a friend tonight, I realized that for way too long, I was consumed with things that were not good. And that people saw me as something that I didn't ever want to be. Now the great thing, is that God can change that and make it into something beautiful, and he has, and man he is amazing. But it is just so easy to do wrong, and so hard to do what is right. With that being said, my heart breaks for those who don't know Him. Because without God, I would be lost and would not love others. And in this world, there is so much wrong and very little good anymore. It breaks my heart... 


All you need is love. 

Broken

I am reading a book for work.. it's called A Tale Of Three Kings. I'm not a very good reader, so if we're being honest i've had to re-read a lot of it, to really understand what they are trying to tell me. But there was something that stuck out to me, and something that totally changed the way I thought. Brokenness. We are all broken people. Broken by all different kinds of things, and for different reasons. Society tells us that being broken is a weakness, something that we need to "get over" and learn from. However this book talks about how many times God needs us and wants us to be broken before he can use us fully. What? God wants me broken and weak? That just seems crazy. I remember singing a song many years ago, the lyrics were... " Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for... Brokenness is what I need..." I remember singing that song at church never really thinking about what I was singing and why God would want me to be broken. But the more i've thought about it, when we are broken we are at our weakest, and honestly probably more open to being used by God. Only when we are truly broken, can He come in and work in us and change us and use us. Such a simple thought. So with that being said... There is such beauty and potential in being broken...

Wedding Dress

The first time I heard this song, 3 years ago.. I really didn't know what to think. I liked it, but in all honesty I didn't totally understand it. So I put it on my ipod and would listen to it periodically. It wasn't until a few months ago, that I really sat and listened to it, that I understood what this song is about.

It's controversial and raw and really touches on things that we as christians and as the church need to think about. The song is talking about how we need to find fulfillment in Christ. And how when we find it in other things, we are whores..."I am a whore I do confess, But I put you on just like a wedding dress and I run down the isle"... I also think that God has a much more beautiful view of what marriage should be, and that we have it completely wrong.

Then he sings, "So could you love this bastard child"...wow. This is looking at people who are different, and sinners, and who don't know Jesus... do we get to know them and invest in them? Do we love them like Jesus would? Or do we pretend and "pray" for them, but keep them at a distance.

I like when artists call us out. Individually and as a church. I think that we all have the best of intentions but things go wrong. We mess it up. And slowly things get off track. He is calling us out. The really beauty in the song is this: We are whores. We are prodigals. But God makes us new and beautiful. Awesome. Simply awesome.

Thankful.

I have many blessing in my life to be thankful for. I have an overall idea that we should be grateful and thankful everyday of the year, not just on thanksgiving...However, I will take this holiday as an opportunity to thank God for all that He has given me. It is easy to focus on just the bad in our day to day life, but that is silly. When I focus on the positive, I find myself much happier with life as a whole. There is my list of things that I am grateful/thankful for...
-My amazingly crazy wonderful family
-My fantastic friends (even though many of them live way too far away
-An amazing job filled with great kids and even better co-workers
-A God that loves me more than I could ever imagine, and forgives me every time I mess up
-Noah, Jonah, and Leah...who are my favorite people in the whole world
-Getting to be a part of something as amazing as camp
-A place to live, with food, and everything I could ever need

I am blessed. Sure things in my life aren't always perfect, but God provides me with everything I need... I think it's important to fill my life with Thanksgiving to God. He gives and takes away. I find myself turning to God more in the icky times (which I think we all do this), rather than looking to him always. I get myself into these little situations, and then can't seem to get out of them without him. Oh hey I have an idea..why don't I look to Him from the beginning? Then maybe I won't be in crap situations...silly me.

I know it's normal that as a christian I go through spiritual highs and lows... but I don't want to say "it's normal" and have it be a cop out... There really is no excuse for a low time. He is always there, wanting me to draw nearer to him... but it's when I get busy or whatever that I pull. Dumb. I realized in the last week that I am in a low time, and if we're being honest it's because I realized that I had lost my bible and that I hadn't seen it in almost 2 weeks...and that's a problem. So to remedy that I am filling my bedroom with scripture. I have a blank wall, and I've already written some of my favorite verses and put them up. I love it and my hope is that when people come over, they will add their favorite verse to my wall. So if any of you reading this have any favorite verses...please share them, i'd love to add them! I just think that the best way to live my life is to be surrounded by His words and promises.

In the words of my sweet little Leah...Happy Skanksgiving! I prefer Happy Hossgiving!  Either way... lol.
Enter his gates with Thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. Psalm 100:4

When your love is all I need, And forever I am free...

So today as I was teaching my little kids sunday school class we were talking about sin. Sin is a super hard concept for me to fully understand, yet alone teach to a K-2 grader... but I did my best with it. I love that even as God is using me to teach others, I am learning so much. We talked about sin, and what it is, and God's love, and forgiveness. Then they asked about heaven... and as I tried to describe in words what heaven would be like, I felt as though I couldn't do it justice. And I can't. Because in my worldly form I cannot yet understand the greatness and awesomeness of heaven. So I was honest with them and told them that. Then we talked about what we thought heaven would be like. It was so awesome to hear their sweet and innocent thoughts about what eternity would be like. I got to share some of my favorite verses in Romans with them, and I felt as though they were actually understanding it.

"For everyone has sinned: we all fall short of God's glorious standard."- Romans 3:23
So I'm a sinner. I suck, and I fall short, and I disappoint any amazing God on a daily basis. I wish that I could say that those things weren't true, but they are. But it's okay, because I am forgiven by an indescribable savior. I am so unworthy of his love and forgiveness, but so thankful.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38
When I read these verses, I get the chills. Nothing can separate me from God. Not death, or satan, my fears and worries...Nothing. In a world that seems to let me down, and break my heart daily these verses give me so much hope. Life on earth is full of great times, and crappy times. And that's okay. Because eternity is going to be filled with total and complete awesomeness with God. Again, I will say it, I am so unworthy of God's love and grace, but I am so thankful for it.

I spent most of the sermon today thinking more about sin and heaven. Then I got in my car and one of my favorite hillsong songs was on...You hold me now. I love this song, and it always touches my heart as I sing the words of it. Here it is...

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name


Amazing. Simply amazing. I cannot wait to face to face with God. Reunited with those I have loved and lost, and surrounded by people worshipping my God. I need to be a light for those who do not yet know Him. So that someday they can be a part of something so amazing. Why is that I can go to camp and share Jesus with hundreds of people, but I struggle to share him with my family and people I care about the most? 

A whole lot of nothing

There is so much I want to say, but no matter how many times I say it and try to process it, it still makes no sense. I feel like I'm talking but not really saying anything. Even now...nothing. I love blogging. I love putting my thoughts onto "paper", well you know what I mean. But I find there to be this constant struggle of revealing too much, and not enough. I wish I could say all that I wanted to say right now, but I know I would regret it. So for now... all of this nonsense is all I will say. Fail...

Shut my mouth

Sometimes I am glad that God holds my tongue. In so many incidents there are so many things that I wish I would have said in the moment...but after the fact am so glad I didn't say. After many conversations I look back and think of 20 things I should have said differently. This week alone I have thought back on numerous conversations that I wish I would have done differently. So instead I replay the conversations in my head, and say what I should have said. Most of the time I kill the other person with my words...in my head anyways.
Funk. Right now I'm in a funk. I think that is the only way to describe it. I hope it passes soon, it's my favorite time of the year, and I don't want to waste it with this janky attitude. Ugh.
I am blessed to work where I do. I love love love the people that I get to work with everyday, and I seriously have some of the cutest kids ever. In the midst of my "funk" this week, my co-workers and the little cuties have brought so many smiles to my face. It is a wonderful thing. They are a blessing to me.

So I'm bored... don't judge.
35 days until Christmas
124 day until my Birthday
181 days until Camp

Someday...

I absolutely love this song. This song is my heart and what I look forward to someday. I have yet to find a guy that can lead me spiritually, but I know that God has someone perfectly made for me. I'll hold onto that hope and promise until He shows him to me...