Jesse's Bloggity Blog Blog

Oh, hello camp.

2011-06-11T20:40:00.000-04:00

Well, it's camp time again. And we just finished our first week of camp. It went well, there were logistically a lot of details I had to work out, but all in all in was a great week. The last few weeks have been filled with lots of training to get us ready for this summer... it was hard and tedious but well worth it.

My job at camp is to work on setting up and planning ministry projects for each group to go to for the summer. So since February I have spent time trying to prepare for the great ministry that will take place in Charleston this summer. It was such a blessing to get to go and visit my staff at their sites and see the great things going on there. There were multiple times this week that I got tears in my eyes as I watched students, adults, and staffers love on the people at their site. It was such a blessing to get to see.

While I was at one of the nursing homes this week I was just so broken for the people there. So many of them were sick and who knows how much longer they would live. And as I thought about that I felt such an urgency to share the gospel with them, because it might be their last chance to hear it. But then as I thought more about that, I started to think about how none of us are promised tomorrow. We are not promised another day, yet so many of us aren't where we should be spiritually and as a christian I am not sharing God's love the way that I should be. It was a good reminder of what my purpose really is on this earth. I (we) are called to serve God, love God, and spread His name to the nations... Boom.

Waiting... Patiently?

2011-04-16T22:00:00.000-04:00

Right now I feel like I am waiting on a lot of things in my life. I've always been the kind of person who once i've decided I am going to do something or that I want something, I make it happen. I see this to be both a good and a bad quality. And I know for a fact, that it is something that used to make my dad crazy about me. Don't get me wrong, i've had to wait on things, many things before. But never like this. I wish that I could just snap my fingers and make a few specific things happen.
I think the thing that is the most frustrating is that they are all things that I feel like God is saying will happen... he's just also telling me to wait and be patient. That's the hard part. The other day my devotional was about waiting on God's timing... and I know that the mere fact that that was the topic is an awesome reminder of how I need to shut up and wait on Him. But anyways, I was reminded through scripture that I have a time and a plan for my life and that God does too. And that ultimately, I don't want things in my timing but in His. So... I will wait. I will wait on God. And I will wait on a few other people and situations as well. Hopefully God will give me some patience in the meantime.

So I leave for camp in 33 days and I'm not sure if it's a countdown or a deadline...lol. I spend last week in South Carolina. A few days were spent in myrtle beach visiting family and enjoying the beach and the majority of the time was spent in Charleston setting up stuff for this summer. Being there, really helped me to get excited about camp this summer. There is such a great need in that city and I am so blessed to get to be a part of the awesome things God is going to do there in the next few months. With every person that I met with they were all so excited to partner with MFuge again. And when I met with people who were new to working with MFuge, they just kept asking, "what is in it for us?" They just couldn't understand why we would want to help out and give back and share our time and talents. That was such a humbling thought... I mean as christians isn't that what we are called to do? And yet, it's so rare that people are a little apprehensive about our motives... it was a sad realization.

Also, the other day I was in the book area at Walmart and I heard the most saddening thing i've heard in a long time. There was a mom with her son... he was probably 4. They were looking for a book and the little boy picked up a children's Bible and asked his mom what it was. She told him that it was the bible. He asked if they could buy it and she told him "No, it's not a good book, you wouldn't like it". I seriously heard this whole exchange and got tears in my eyes. It took all I had in me not to go over there tell the women she was wrong and then share God with that sweet little boy. It broke my heart.

Space.

2011-03-27T21:07:00.000-04:00

So lately I have noticed myself pushing people away. And in complete honesty I don't know why I'm doing it, or even how long i've been doing it. But it hit me all at once that I am absolutely doing it to many people in my life. I find myself doing it in weird ways and for no real reason at all... at least none that I have figured out yet. At first I thought that it was just certain people were getting on my nerves but then I realized that it wasn't them... it was most definitely me. I'm going to have to work on this. Because clearly I don't want this to be the norm for me. Am I doing it because I'm leaving for the summer soon?...And maybe to me this will be easier? I don't know. Or maybe the real issue is me, i've been struggling with some different things lately, and maybe it's just easier to push people away then to open up and talk about stuff. Hmm, I shouldn't say that I've been pushing people away, because that isn't quite it. It's more like distancing myself.

Also, I've been finding myself worrying a lot about my future. I have this long list of goals and things that I would like to accomplish, and thought I've been able to check off many things from my list there are still many things I have yet to do. Sometimes, I worry that I spend so much time worrying and thinking about the next big thing in my life (whatever that may be), that I wonder if maybe I'm missing stuff in the present... Is that normal?

So last week at church we sang a new song. And I loved everything about it. The lyrics brought tears to my eyes as I sang them. And after I sang the words, I wondered if I would ever put them into action...
"I wanna be your hands and feet. I wanna be your voice every time I speak. I wanna run to the ones in need in the name of Jesus. I wanna give my life away, all for your kingdom's sake. Shine a light in the darkest place, in the name of Jesus"...

Wow. Those are some pretty spectacular thoughts. And they are exactly what we are called to do. And yet very few of us every truly put those words into motion. But my question is why? I don't honestly believe it's that we don't WANT to do it. I think it's that were are afraid to do it and also just hope that someone else will do it. But as I sing those words, I feel the words stirring deep in my heart. How awesome would it be if I did exactly what those words say. If I were his hands and feet and if every time I spoke I was his voice. What if gave my life away and went wherever he called me to shine a light to those who are hopeless? I get chills.

I really don't know what this would look like in my life. I know that I can do many of those things daily in my day to day life, and that that is what as a christian, I am called to do. But giving my life away and going where ever he sends me? I don't know. Part of me feels like that could never happen.. But another part of me hopes that some day He does it in my life. How awesome would it be to literally leave behind everything I have and follow him. Wow. One thing I do know, is I want to leave this world better than when I got here. And my prayer is that he uses me every day to help do that. That's what life is about and I'm being reminded of that daily.

Love.

2011-02-13T21:20:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is one of my least favorite days ever. I feel this way for a few reasons. One, probably because I have never had a b/f on Valentine's Day...so each year I feel like it's really "Hey, I'm single" day. But I think that even if I had a b/f on this day I would still think it was silly. Basically it is a day to show the person you're with how much they mean to you... precious. However, shouldn't you show them how special they are and how much they mean to you every day... not just February 14th? Yes. Yes you should. Don't get me wrong, someday when I'm in a fantastic relationship, I'm sure that I will have way less hate for this day... but until then, Valentine's day can bite me.

Lately I've been thinking about relationships though. Since I was young, I've longed for the day when I get married and have children. And lately I've found myself wanting it more and more and just trying to wait on God's timing. But then I started to look at the people around me . Now, what I'm about to say is going to sound super negative and I hope that I am wrong. But when I look some of the people that I know that are married I see such unhappiness. And then I started reading some scripture on what marriage and relationships should be. And as I thought about this, I realized that I've never seen a healthy christian marriage on a daily basis. Sure I know christians that are happily married or at least appear to be. But none of the people that I spend most of my time with have the kind of christian marriage that I want. And please keep in mind, I'm not trying to judge them... people do the best they can. But this leads me to a big question... Is there such a thing as a happy marriage? A marital relationship that is what the bible says it should be? And I ask that hoping that the answer to both is yes... because if not, I've spend years aching for something that isn't real.

The hopeless romantic in me hopes that I am wrong. And that it's out there. But the realist in me worries there is no such thing. Now I know that no relationship is going to be easy or perfect. But I really feel like if I can't have the kind of relationship that the bible talks about... I'd rather be single. Yeah, for real.

Good thing I have this awesome God who is totally and completely in love with me. He loves me in a way that words cannot describe and in a way that I am totally and completely unworthy of. I need to spend more time falling in love with Him on a daily basis, and less time on things of this world.

indecisive.

2011-02-02T18:01:00.000-05:00

I've never understood people who have a hard time making decisions. I remember from the time I was young getting annoyed as people would go back and forth trying to figure something out because neither would just make a decision. Even if I don't know for sure, I generally make a decision and then go from there. And when I do know what I want, I make the decision and I do my best to make it happen. There can be negotiation if needed, and I'm okay with it not being what I want. I just cannot stand going back and forth waiting for someone to decide and move on. For example, an age old stress that I have been a part of... what to have for dinner? I remember as a child listening to my family go back and forth on cooking? Take out? or going out to a restaurant? Man on man, they would just go back and forth and because it's my family talk super loud in the process.... could we just decide and eat already? hah. That is just one example, this happens all of the time and it makes me want to yell... Maybe I need to work on patience..hmm.

Speechless.

2011-01-26T21:32:00.000-05:00

There is so much going through my head right now, but I have no ways to give it words to describe it all. It's frustrating, and I wish that I could process everything and then move on. It's not as bad as it sounds, I can promise you that. It's just stuff. And junk. And life... you know? Sometimes, I think that everyone could use a shrink. Someone who just listens as you talk and offers objective advice and solutions... Where can I sign up for that? For real. Everyone that I talk to has their own opinion and advice and slant on why things should be a certain way. And lately the more I talk to people, the more confused I am with all of those conflicting thoughts. You'd think that I would stop talking to earthly people, and instead talk to God about it, but that would be the smart and good idea. But instead, I talk to people and end up confused and unsatisfied. Once again, I wish that I could chat with God and see his face. Sit on the couch with him and have a good heart to heart. Or even cry on His shoulder... Not yet, but someday.

I'm done rambling. I'm going to take my own advice and go spend some time talking to Him about stuff. And it will be wonderful, I know it.

Face to face

2011-01-17T19:40:00.001-05:00

So it's no secret that my love language is physical touch. I love to hug and be close to the people I love. And there is nothing better than hugging someone that you haven't seen in a while. You know the tight hug that goes on and on and that neither of you want to let go of...that is one of my favorite things in this world. I have so many wonderful friends, that I love and adore that unfortunately do not live close to me. So when I finally do get to see them, those hugs are fantastic. With all that being said, lately i've been thinking about that moment when I am face to face with God for the first time someday. I imagine that moment to be one of the most amazing and indescribable moments ever. I cannot even begin to put into words how amazing it will be to be in the arms of God. In that moment, nothing else will matter, and it will be just him and I and it will be glorious. I imagine him holding me and putting his arms around me and there we will stay for quite some time. It's going to give me a feeling of safety and love that I have never felt on this earth, and can only feel in Him. So so wonderful.
Selfishly, I wish that I could hug Him now, because I do love physical touch. But I know that is selfish and not something that I can experience here. But I will look forward to that day so much. What a glorious day.

He knows me so well.

2011-01-09T20:23:00.000-05:00

Today I realized something. It was a very awesome and humbling thought. God made me get sick to ultimately draw me closer to him. I think about the fact that he had to literally knock me flat on my butt for three weeks to draw me closer to him, and it makes me frustrated with myself. I shouldn't have to be unable to move, to finally whole heartedly seek Him. But then I think about the fact that He did if FOR me, not TO me. So even though being sick for the past few weeks has sucked, and knowing that I'll feel yucky for a while longer, I can say it was worth it. Worth it because, for the first time in a long time, I am falling more and more in love with my Savior everyday... and it feels wonderful. I don't deserve His love and His grace, but I love that He gives it so freely to me.

:: Sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters. Tears rolling down my face, because of your love and your sweet embrace...Your grace it covers me. Your love, it covers me. O God, you cover me...::

God's plan, not mine.

2011-01-06T19:53:00.000-05:00

My best friend recently shared a quote with me... and it really shook me.
"Rise, O Lord, into Your proper place of honor, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health and even my life itself. Let me decrease that you might increase; let me sink that you might rise above."-Tozer (The Pursuit of God)

When I first saw this, I read it and instantly began to meditate on it and apply it to my own life. I very quickly realized that though it was always my desire and intention, that I had never truly given my future and life to God. I've always known that God made me to do great things for Him and I've tried hard to be obedient to Him but never had I spoken those words (or anything close to it) and completely surrendered my life and my future to Him. I know that God has a plan for my life, and I truly believe that He is preparing me daily for what is yet to come for me. And I also believe that He has given me certain desires and wants because He is going to give them to me at some point. But all of that aside, I never really gave up all of my wants and expectations of this life to God. Well not until recently anyways.

Sure, I have a long list of goals and wants for this life and they are all things that I would love. But they mean nothing if they aren't his plan for me. Honestly, I like to be in control of situations and of my life. And it's scary that by giving that to him fully, He could call me to do things or send me places that terrify me. But I'd rather be terrified living obediently, then content living luke warm. So here I am, giving up my desires, my ambitions, and really my life to God. I'm excited to see God use me in life. And I just keep remembering that I don't deserve to be used by Him. I'm not perfect by any means, and I stumble and fall, and yeah basically I suck. But he wants to use me, to use all of me, even my weakness... What an honor.

With all of that being said, God is amazing and He blows me away everyday. The last few weeks I have spent lots of time resting, sleeping, and laying around. He turned me being super sick into lots of time for me to study His word and grow closer to Him. It is my desire to learn more and more about Him, and to be daily growing my relationship with Him. Glorious.

I adore them

2011-01-05T13:25:00.000-05:00

There are 3 people in my life that I adore more than words can express. Noah. Jonah. and Leah. While I've been sick, seeing them (not being able to touch or come close to them though) has brought me so much joy. They are 3 little blessing from God. And yes they are the cutest, sweetest, little boogers ever!

Leah Faith

Jonah William

Noah Ryan

Making changes not resolutions.

2011-01-04T23:29:00.000-05:00

I think that making resolutions for the new year is silly. It's like saying I am making a commitment to try and... Or you could make the change and follow through with it. I think that resolutions leave you with too many ways to fail and/or give up. I am making changes in my life. But my want for change in my life did not come because the new year hit. But instead because of a book I'm reading. This book challenges everything I thought about faith and is making me see how differently I need to look at it. The book is Radical by David Platt... it's fantastic. But saying that, doesn't do it justice. Basically it takes what we know as "religion" and tells us that it's wrong. First off, I hate the term religious and spiritual..what does that even mean? I don't want to be either I want to have a life changing relationship with God.

There is so much more I want to talk about. But I am falling asleep as I write this...More to come.

Seriously.

2010-12-29T23:02:00.000-05:00

It's been a while. Christmas was here and left way too soon. I feel like it flew by even more this year than usual. For Christmas my sister and luke took the kids (and I) to the Great Wolf Lodge in Ohio. We left Christmas day around 2 and spent the night there, it was good times. Although I felt like junk the whole time, it was lots of fun. Then The next day I found out I had Mono and Strep throat... which leads me to my next question.... are you freaking kidding me? I would like to say that the last three months have been good, but they have sucked. I have been struggling with my stupid thyroid and all of those issues, and now this. I'm trying to stay positive, but I have to be honest and say that I'm sicking of feeling like total junk. My thought is, that in the New Year it can only get better right? Gosh I hope so. So the next few days (atleast) will consist of me laying around like a bum, trying to get healthy. I don't have time or money to be sick, so I'm hoping that God heals me quickly. I've slept the greater part of the past three days, and though I know I need it and it's good for me, I'm already bored. Oh well, I'll stop complaining now. I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas and Happy New Year :)

Love

2010-12-10T23:05:00.005-05:00

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ::Romans 12:9-10

Love. It is a word that we throw around a lot. Or at least I do. I "love" a whole lot of things/ people. But then I think about what God meant for the word love. I think that our biggest job as christians is to love. But I have to be honest and admit that sometimes I pretend to love people. It's not that I want to be fake, it's that sometimes people are unlovable (myself included). But these verses very clearly lay out that we should not just pretend to love others but we need to whole heartedly love them. It needs to be genuine and filled with the love of Christ. And when I think about it like that, I realize that I don't love a whole lot of things as Christ would. But that is my prayer... too love them like He does.

It also says to hate what is wrong and hold tightly to what is good. Why is that so hard? Why do we naturally gravitate towards the wrong and take advantage of the good? Oh yeah... cause we are all lame sinners. It is so easy to get caught up in this world with the bad. After talking with a friend tonight, I realized that for way too long, I was consumed with things that were not good. And that people saw me as something that I didn't ever want to be. Now the great thing, is that God can change that and make it into something beautiful, and he has, and man he is amazing. But it is just so easy to do wrong, and so hard to do what is right. With that being said, my heart breaks for those who don't know Him. Because without God, I would be lost and would not love others. And in this world, there is so much wrong and very little good anymore. It breaks my heart...

All you need is love.

Broken

2010-11-28T21:55:00.000-05:00

I am reading a book for work.. it's called A Tale Of Three Kings. I'm not a very good reader, so if we're being honest i've had to re-read a lot of it, to really understand what they are trying to tell me. But there was something that stuck out to me, and something that totally changed the way I thought. Brokenness. We are all broken people. Broken by all different kinds of things, and for different reasons. Society tells us that being broken is a weakness, something that we need to "get over" and learn from. However this book talks about how many times God needs us and wants us to be broken before he can use us fully. What? God wants me broken and weak? That just seems crazy. I remember singing a song many years ago, the lyrics were... " Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for... Brokenness is what I need..." I remember singing that song at church never really thinking about what I was singing and why God would want me to be broken. But the more i've thought about it, when we are broken we are at our weakest, and honestly probably more open to being used by God. Only when we are truly broken, can He come in and work in us and change us and use us. Such a simple thought. So with that being said... There is such beauty and potential in being broken...

Wedding Dress

2010-11-25T22:33:00.001-05:00

The first time I heard this song, 3 years ago.. I really didn't know what to think. I liked it, but in all honesty I didn't totally understand it. So I put it on my ipod and would listen to it periodically. It wasn't until a few months ago, that I really sat and listened to it, that I understood what this song is about.

It's controversial and raw and really touches on things that we as christians and as the church need to think about. The song is talking about how we need to find fulfillment in Christ. And how when we find it in other things, we are whores..."I am a whore I do confess, But I put you on just like a wedding dress and I run down the isle"... I also think that God has a much more beautiful view of what marriage should be, and that we have it completely wrong.

Then he sings, "So could you love this bastard child"...wow. This is looking at people who are different, and sinners, and who don't know Jesus... do we get to know them and invest in them? Do we love them like Jesus would? Or do we pretend and "pray" for them, but keep them at a distance.

I like when artists call us out. Individually and as a church. I think that we all have the best of intentions but things go wrong. We mess it up. And slowly things get off track. He is calling us out. The really beauty in the song is this: We are whores. We are prodigals. But God makes us new and beautiful. Awesome. Simply awesome.

Thankful.

2010-11-24T22:06:00.001-05:00

I have many blessing in my life to be thankful for. I have an overall idea that we should be grateful and thankful everyday of the year, not just on thanksgiving...However, I will take this holiday as an opportunity to thank God for all that He has given me. It is easy to focus on just the bad in our day to day life, but that is silly. When I focus on the positive, I find myself much happier with life as a whole. There is my list of things that I am grateful/thankful for...
-My amazingly crazy wonderful family
-My fantastic friends (even though many of them live way too far away
-An amazing job filled with great kids and even better co-workers
-A God that loves me more than I could ever imagine, and forgives me every time I mess up
-Noah, Jonah, and Leah...who are my favorite people in the whole world
-Getting to be a part of something as amazing as camp
-A place to live, with food, and everything I could ever need

I am blessed. Sure things in my life aren't always perfect, but God provides me with everything I need... I think it's important to fill my life with Thanksgiving to God. He gives and takes away. I find myself turning to God more in the icky times (which I think we all do this), rather than looking to him always. I get myself into these little situations, and then can't seem to get out of them without him. Oh hey I have an idea..why don't I look to Him from the beginning? Then maybe I won't be in crap situations...silly me.

I know it's normal that as a christian I go through spiritual highs and lows... but I don't want to say "it's normal" and have it be a cop out... There really is no excuse for a low time. He is always there, wanting me to draw nearer to him... but it's when I get busy or whatever that I pull. Dumb. I realized in the last week that I am in a low time, and if we're being honest it's because I realized that I had lost my bible and that I hadn't seen it in almost 2 weeks...and that's a problem. So to remedy that I am filling my bedroom with scripture. I have a blank wall, and I've already written some of my favorite verses and put them up. I love it and my hope is that when people come over, they will add their favorite verse to my wall. So if any of you reading this have any favorite verses...please share them, i'd love to add them! I just think that the best way to live my life is to be surrounded by His words and promises.

In the words of my sweet little Leah...Happy Skanksgiving! I prefer Happy Hossgiving! Either way... lol.
Enter his gates with Thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. Psalm 100:4

When your love is all I need, And forever I am free...

2010-11-21T21:21:00.001-05:00

So today as I was teaching my little kids sunday school class we were talking about sin. Sin is a super hard concept for me to fully understand, yet alone teach to a K-2 grader... but I did my best with it. I love that even as God is using me to teach others, I am learning so much. We talked about sin, and what it is, and God's love, and forgiveness. Then they asked about heaven... and as I tried to describe in words what heaven would be like, I felt as though I couldn't do it justice. And I can't. Because in my worldly form I cannot yet understand the greatness and awesomeness of heaven. So I was honest with them and told them that. Then we talked about what we thought heaven would be like. It was so awesome to hear their sweet and innocent thoughts about what eternity would be like. I got to share some of my favorite verses in Romans with them, and I felt as though they were actually understanding it.

"For everyone has sinned: we all fall short of God's glorious standard."- Romans 3:23
So I'm a sinner. I suck, and I fall short, and I disappoint any amazing God on a daily basis. I wish that I could say that those things weren't true, but they are. But it's okay, because I am forgiven by an indescribable savior. I am so unworthy of his love and forgiveness, but so thankful.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38
When I read these verses, I get the chills. Nothing can separate me from God. Not death, or satan, my fears and worries...Nothing. In a world that seems to let me down, and break my heart daily these verses give me so much hope. Life on earth is full of great times, and crappy times. And that's okay. Because eternity is going to be filled with total and complete awesomeness with God. Again, I will say it, I am so unworthy of God's love and grace, but I am so thankful for it.

I spent most of the sermon today thinking more about sin and heaven. Then I got in my car and one of my favorite hillsong songs was on...You hold me now. I love this song, and it always touches my heart as I sing the words of it. Here it is...

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name

Amazing. Simply amazing. I cannot wait to face to face with God. Reunited with those I have loved and lost, and surrounded by people worshipping my God. I need to be a light for those who do not yet know Him. So that someday they can be a part of something so amazing. Why is that I can go to camp and share Jesus with hundreds of people, but I struggle to share him with my family and people I care about the most?

A whole lot of nothing

2010-11-20T16:53:00.000-05:00

There is so much I want to say, but no matter how many times I say it and try to process it, it still makes no sense. I feel like I'm talking but not really saying anything. Even now...nothing. I love blogging. I love putting my thoughts onto "paper", well you know what I mean. But I find there to be this constant struggle of revealing too much, and not enough. I wish I could say all that I wanted to say right now, but I know I would regret it. So for now... all of this nonsense is all I will say. Fail...

Shut my mouth

2010-11-20T00:11:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I am glad that God holds my tongue. In so many incidents there are so many things that I wish I would have said in the moment...but after the fact am so glad I didn't say. After many conversations I look back and think of 20 things I should have said differently. This week alone I have thought back on numerous conversations that I wish I would have done differently. So instead I replay the conversations in my head, and say what I should have said. Most of the time I kill the other person with my words...in my head anyways.
Funk. Right now I'm in a funk. I think that is the only way to describe it. I hope it passes soon, it's my favorite time of the year, and I don't want to waste it with this janky attitude. Ugh.
I am blessed to work where I do. I love love love the people that I get to work with everyday, and I seriously have some of the cutest kids ever. In the midst of my "funk" this week, my co-workers and the little cuties have brought so many smiles to my face. It is a wonderful thing. They are a blessing to me.

So I'm bored... don't judge.
35 days until Christmas
124 day until my Birthday
181 days until Camp

Someday...

2010-11-19T13:23:00.001-05:00

I absolutely love this song. This song is my heart and what I look forward to someday. I have yet to find a guy that can lead me spiritually, but I know that God has someone perfectly made for me. I'll hold onto that hope and promise until He shows him to me...

It's the most wonderful time of the year.. again.

2010-11-18T23:06:00.001-05:00

I know it's a bit early, but over the last two days I have spent much of my time decorating for Christmas. Judge if you want... but it's happening. I love Christmas. Whether it's Christmas in July at camp or real life Christmas it's fantastic all the same. I have this idea of what it should be. And so far, in my 24 years of life it has never met my expectations.... but I can hold on to that hope that someday it will.
This year, I thought might be the year.... but I have quickly realized that it will not. That's okay, I guess it will give me something to look forward too. Regardless, I love it all the same. I love to get people the perfect gift and then watch the Joy on their face as they open it. I love to see the christmas lights on the snow, and sing every christmas song that plays on the radio at the top of my lungs. I love to drive around and look at lights, drink hot cocoa, and play in the snow. I love to cuddle up by a fire and listen to it crackle and pop as I stare at the tree. All of these things make my heart happy, and I look forward to them each year.
Having my own house to decorate is kind of amazing. I want people to walk into my house and instantly love christmas and have a smile on their face. I had great hopes of decorating the outside of my house, but unfortunately I don't see that happening anymore...fail. So I'll just have to make up for the outside, by totally going crazy on the inside. Prepare your hearts.
Sometimes I think about how frustrated God must get with us...well me really. There He is wanting more than anything for me to fall more and more in love with Him each day, and I totally take advantage of Him and keep him on the side burner. He is number one, most of the time. What? That is so messed up. When I think about any guy that I've ever liked, and I think about how it takes a short time to decide you like someone and then begin falling for them and then I think about this amazing God who has been waiting for us to fall in love with Him our whole lives, it makes me sad. It's so stupid, really. I have this amazingly fantastic life changing God wanting me so desperately to fall more in love with Him... and what do I do, squeeze Him in when I have time. Not okay. I wish that God was more tangible. I want to see him, talk to him, hold his hand, and give him the biggest hug I've ever given. In those moments I know that I will find true happiness and feel totally safe. What a glorious day that will be... selfishly I wish it could be now, but how sweet it will be.
"Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." -Phillippians 4:7

It's been a while.

2010-09-11T11:20:00.002-04:00

So it's been a long time. There are so many things that I'm still trying to process and that I want to write about.

It's so hard coming home from camp. People don't understand what I do in the summer, so when they ask, "How was it?", I feel like I have about 15 seconds to give them an answer that could no way due my summer justice. I wish that people that knew me could watch just a day of camp, because only then could they understand what it is, and how amazing it is.

With that being said.. it was a simply unbelievable summer. I got to see God work in so many amazing ways and the coolest part of it, is he uses someone like me to do his work. Being a site director I definitely got to experience camp in a different way. It was so cool to work all spring setting up the ministry sites and then getting to send students, staff, and youth leaders to go and serve at those places. It was awesome to go and visit them, and also just see their needs being met.

In Matthew it says...

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'... Matthew 25:35-40

These are verses that we use the first night of camp to train the students on how to share the gospel and to explain to them the awesome privilege and challenge they have as they encounter new people. I love these verses because they so clearly tell us what we as christians are supposed to do. And yet we so easily get wrapped up in every day things that we totally miss what our purpose is. Clearly we cannot feed Jesus or clothe Him... But we can serve hIs people who don't know him and who don't have their basic needs being met.

I struggle with the differences between camp me and everyday me. At camp I am serving others and worshipping him every second of the day and it's amazing. At home it's obviously not the same. At camp your surrounded by people doing the same thing, so I understand why it is the way it is, but it still leaves me feeling icky.

I grow more in the 2-3 months of camp as a christian then I do in an entire year in my day to day life. My goal this year is to change that. So far it's been great.

People let me down, and I know that I let others down. But it sucks. Recently I was told that everyone will let you down, except for God. And as much as that statement makes me sad, I know it's true. But after really thinking about that, I realized how hard that is for me to handle, but I have a relationship with God which makes it okay. But then as I started to think about people who don't know him or those who don't believe in them, they have no one that they can depend on to never let them down. As I thought about that I felt so hopeless for them. I think about some of my close family members who don't know him, and wonder how they get through things without knowing that he's there taking care of them.

I need to share him with others and those around me that I love and adore that don't know him. More importantly I need my life to be a daily testimony to how amazing he is and how much I love him, so that others can see that through me. I think that most christians need to step up in the area of missions and telling people about our God... myself included.

Please pray for my sister... she's been having vision problems and headaches for the last 3 weeks straight. She can't read or do computer work and she's miserable. The doctors don't know what's wrong and every test they've done has come back totally normal. She is going to a neurologist because her family doctor think it could be Multiple Sclerosis , which is scary and not at all a good thing. The wierd thing though, is even as I talked to her today about it, she seemed at peace with it. She's scared and hopes it isn't some scary like that, but she just kept saying that if it's god's will it's okay. And though I totally agree with that, it still completely terrifies me for her. She is so strong and has influenced me so much as a christian, and even now as she is scared and looking at scary options she is solid as a rock. I love my sister, and I can't believe that this is God's plan for her life, I just need to find a way to support her and love her and help her during all of this... Please just continue to pray for her and her family....

I see many more blogs coming soon. I've got lots on my heart and mind...

Week 5

2010-07-04T14:55:00.000-04:00

Well today starts week 5. It's crazy how fast this summer is going by. It has been a different experience being on leadership staff, but I definitely am loving it! Last night our coordinator took us out for our staff appreciation dinner. It was super fun and we all got dressed up and got to eat at a nice restaurant. Loved it!

Next week we have off and then we start our last week of camp. I love camp, and I'm super tired, but I'm not ready for it to be over yet. But for now I need to focus on the next 3 weeks, and not worry about anything after that...

This week God has been showing me some plans He has for my life. It's a bit scary, exciting, and awesome. But very different from what I had always thought. I don't know the details yet, and I know it won't be any time soon, but I do know that whatever it is, I am excited and cannot wait for God to use me in amazing ways...

Alright it's registration time... and honestly I'm sure this blog was a bit scattered, so it's time to go.

Happy 4th of July!!

Week 4..already?

2010-06-27T23:34:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't been updating much. Camp keeps you busy, and being on leadership staff keeps you even busier! We start week 4 tomorrow.. I'm pretty pumped! I will update for real soon... but for now it's time for bed. Goodnight all!

Defining Moments

2010-06-09T10:34:00.000-04:00

The theme at camp this summer is Defining Moments. We are teaching them about time, and how each person has defining moments that make them who they are. Last night in worship, the pastor talked a lot about salvation, and really just laid it out there, that if you're ready to make the decision... while he's praying he was going to count to 3 and on 3 stand up. As I watched the auditorium full of about 800 students and adults, I waited to see what the response would be, and to see how Christ would work during that time. As he counted to 3 close to 70 students stood up. And as I watched it happen, I got a chill because in a moments time... 70 believers were born. That was a defining moment in so many of their lives. After they stood they were directed to find their leaders and go talk with them out in the hallway. As I held the door open and student after student walked out the door, I looked at their faces. Many of them were rejoicing, many were crying... but one really stuck out to me. It was a boy who was probably 18 years old. Tall, athletic, strong.... And as he walked by I looked at his face and he was red, and swollen, and crying his heart out.... and through the tears he had a smile on his face. Seeing this face was one of my favorite parts of yesterday.... it was so real, and so broken, and so completely in love with a God that he had just really started to get to know.... it was a good reminder about what camp is about. It's not about stress, and the details, it's about students, children, and adults coming to know christ and their lives being forever changed.

This last week God has been really laying Romans 8:38-39 on my heart... here it is.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Every time I read that verse I am overwhelmed with feelings of love, faith, and just feeling so unworthy of his love and grace, but so grateful that He offers it to me over and over again so freely.

Alright time to go visit my staff at their ministry sites... pray for boldness as they go out and share God with the city of Jackson... pray that God will use them in mighty ways, and that through serving they will grow and learn more about Him!

Training Week...

2010-06-02T12:19:00.001-04:00

Well training week has been going super well... and on monday we start camp! It is such a crazy, wonderful, and slightly terrifying time... but I cannot wait for camp to get started! My team is fantastic... I cannot wait to work with them and see how God is going to use each and every one of them this summer! Yesterday was the Mfuge site luncheon... I have been working and planning that since early February, and I am happy to say that it went fantastic! One of the site contacts (who has worked with mfuge for years) told a track leader that this year was the most organized and well put together that she has ever worked with... which made me happy since I feel like at times it has been a mess... apparently not for them though! yay!

Tomorrow is our day off... My plans are to get some sleep, do some laundry, hang out with the staff, and then we are going to a baseball game at night! I am pretty excited. Well that's all I have time for right now but here is a picture of my team..yay!

It's the most wonderful time of the year..

2010-05-25T22:20:00.000-04:00

It's camp time again. I left last thursday and headed to Ridgecrest North Carolina for leadership training... it went well and it was so beautiful there! Then monday morning, my team and I headed to Jackson! 12 hours later, we made it to mississippi college campus! Today we spent the day unloading, reloading, and then unloading supplies again. And of course in the middle of all of that craziness there was a torrential downpour... fantastic! It was a super long day, but we all hossed it and got it all done! Right now it's just the leadership staff here, and they are wonderful! The rest of the team gets in on Thursday... and then training begins!

Alright it's time to get some site director stuff done... I am going to try my hardest to update often, but I can't make any promises... peace out.

It's that time again...

2010-05-17T08:02:00.001-04:00

Life has been busy, and I have been horrible about updating this lately. But it's camp time, which means I will be MUCH better about my blog! I leave for training on Thursday! YAY! Here is my address for the summer... feel free to send me fun stuff ;)

Address if sending packages:
Jessa Scenga
FUGE Staff
Mississippi College
200 S. Capitol St.
Clinton, MS 39058

Address for letters:
Jessa Scenga
FUGE Staff
Mississippi College
P.O. Box 4041
Clinton, MS 39058

Idols...

2010-02-21T22:12:00.001-05:00

I went to lighthouse tonight.. I have been kinda bummed lately and haven't been able to kick it. Going tonight was exactly what I needed. We sang some amazing songs, that spoke right to my heart. The study right now is on idols.. and how we can make anything into an idol. It was a real wake up call to some areas in my life. Things that started off innocent, but in time began to totally consume me. I have all of these "things" that I want for my life, and I trust that if they are the desires of my heart that God will bless them. Two things that I need to remember are...
1. I need to fully surrender myself to him and his will.
2. I need to give up all things that distract me from doing that.

One of the songs that we sang really just helped me to understand all of this tonight... here it is.

Arms Open Wide- Hillsong United

Take my life I lay it down
At the cross where I am found
All I have I give to You oh God

Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity
That I may walk in all You have for me

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be ever only for You oh God

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way

Geez.

2010-02-04T15:36:00.000-05:00

This week has been crazy at work. It has been a really hard week, and I am very much looking forward to the weekend...Honestly this week at work has been super hard. The kids are all off, they are all getting sick and it's been craziness.. But instead of focusing on all of the bad parts, I am going to share with you some things about my job that I have LOVED this week...

1. Being told by a two year old that I am strong like Jesus
2. Getting approximately 83 toddler sized kisses
3. Being asked to "Snuggle" 5-10 times a day
4. Listening to a two year old sit on the potty singing Jesus Loves the Little Children
5. Asking my kids who their friend is and having them respond "JESUS!"
6. Having 3 kids want to do my hair at the exact same time! They have such fun, and it is so calming for me!
7. Walking in the room in the morning, and having 6 kids come at me wanting a hug!
8. Being told by a two year old, that they "Love me too much!"

It can be crazy.... and with 2 year olds it often is... but I adore them! :)

Waiting.

2010-01-21T11:26:00.000-05:00

So here I sit.. at the Detroit Metro Airport. I hate flying. But I do it when I have to. But man does it stress me out. From the time I got all checked in, until the time my flight leaves is almost three hours... so here I sit getting more and more anxious and nervous... But luckily I have my laptop, so it's helping the time to go a little quicker! But our stupid airport doesn't have free WIFI, so I had to pay...LAME! lol. Oh well, it was worth it i guess. So sometimes I feel like no one reads this.. but IF anyone does, please pray for me this weekend! I am very nervous and anxious about it and I know that the only way I will get though it is with prayer and ultimately God!

So yesterday while my kids were in the gym, I put on a praise cd... and I started singing, and dancing, and clapping and having fun. One by one, each of the kids started doing the same! It was so amazing. As I watched them sing and dance I couldn't help but feel like we were worshipping Him together! And the best part was hearing 2 years olds singing "Yes Lord, Yes Lord"... This went on for almost a half hour and it brought tears to my eyes... that's what it's all about. That is why I do what I do.. Because I love kids and want to plant those seeds into them now! It was one of the best experiences of my life!

Alright.. i'm done. I'm going to pray and try to calm myself lol... Have a great weekend everyone!

Whew..

2010-01-17T15:59:00.000-05:00

This weekend has thrown me for a loop. It has been filled with many hard thingss, huge changes in plans, and a lot of time spent talking to God. All in all, it's been pretty challenging. However, even in the midst of all of this, there has been a theme... and it's God. My life lately has been a struggle in some areas and I thought that I had done a really good job of hiding that, but it came very clear that that was not true, and that my struggles were seeping into other areas. But with that, God showed me how He works in me. God finds people and situations to hold me accountable, and though it was hard... it needed to be heard.

Let me explain some of this a little. I want to move out.. a lot! I'm very ready and everything was falling into place perfectly... and because it seemed so perfect, I really didn't spend a lot of time talking to God about if it was right for me... instead I jumped ahead, got myself super excited... and then Friday, it all fell through... He held me accountable to the fact that I didn't really pray about it at all, and just went with it... and it wasn't right for me, so he stopped it. And I'm glad He did...I just feel like I'm back at square one.

This weekend was filled with many similar situations... some easier to process and some harder... But through them all, I know that I need to focus on working on the junk in my life, which will bring me closer to Him.. And so in the end... It's all okay.

I'm so glad that I have Him in my life. And that through all things I can always see Him. I don't know how I would get through my life, without Him, and I'm glad I don't have to find out.
I'm also glad that no matter what happens, he is there to guide me, and catch my when I fall...

This morning I woke up with these lyrics stuck in my head...
"Strength with rise as we wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord, I will wait upon the Lord..."
And I thought it was weird because I haven't heard that song in probably 6 months... and then I walked into church this morning, and that was the first song that we sang... it was one of those moments, where I feel God's presence and I am blown away... it was so amazing.

One last thing... In church today we looked at these verses, and they applied to my life right now in amazing ways...
"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." -Romans 12:9-12

And once again, I was blown away by how He takes all areas of my life to teach me and show me things, and how though I don't always see it, it all works together in some way... He really amazing, and totally blows my mind constantly. I am so unworthy and so undeserving of his love and grace, and yet he gives it to me so willing and so abundantly... I cannot even describe how I am feeling right now... and that's okay. Nothing earthly can describe His greatness.

A new year...

2010-01-01T03:23:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year. It's 2010... Man, I am starting to feel old. 2009 was a great year, and I hope that 2010 is even better. I have a list of things I hope to accomplish this next year, and I'm hoping that God's list for me is the same as mine!

Many nights I have a hard time falling asleep. Normally I would lay in bed annoyed, and eventually angry that I couldn't fall asleep. This happens usually about once a week. Last semester it was every sunday night... and the glorious part of that is that I would have to be to work Monday mornings at 6:15... So falling asleep at 1 or 2, wasn't really the best idea. This happened tonight. I got into bed around 2... And by 2:30 I realized I just wasn't ready to fall asleep. At first it made me mad cause I was tired and wanted to sleep, but then I realized maybe I'm up for a reason...

So I decided to read my bible. And I decided that anytime I can't sleep, I will get up and read my bible until God is ready for me to go to bed. Because clearly, laying in bed for 2 hours trying to fall asleep is a waste of time, and I could be spending my time in a way that is so much better... Oh and I also decided to be better about either blogging or writing in my journal about what I have read.. I think it helps to process it, and maybe even get some feedback on it!

Last year for Christmas I got this awesome one year bible... I got about a month into it and then got lazy with it, and never continued. It is my goal to read through the Bible this year. Please pray for me with this. I am bad with commitments like this and I am also known for starting a book and never finishing... but I really want to do this... And if you see me and remember, ask me about how i'm doing... accountability is a wonderful thing!

So I read day one. It was the first 3 chapters of Genesis. And though I've read the creation story many times, I picked up some new things tonight. Let me start of by saying, sometimes when I read the bible I laugh and I think that God must have a great sense of humor. I love the way things are written, and sometimes I feel as though I totally understand the authors personality as I read... does that make sense?

Anyways... I love that after the first 7 days God looks at all that he has made and says, "And it was very good". I like this because in my mind, I think about it as.. DUH! It's good, you made it! Could it be anything else? But I also think that that is a very relatable thought process. If I work hard at something (nothing any where near as amazing at what He does btw), when I'm done I like to look at it and feel good about my work. In that moment I can relate to how God felt in that moment... on some level.

As I read about God creating Adam I stopped to really think about how He did it...

"The the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man's nostrils, and the man became a living person." --- What?! That is the most amazing thing that I have ever heard. I can't even imagine how fantastic that must have been, and I wish more than anything that I could see it... Is anyone with me on this? And then I felt the same way again, as I read about how He Eve... Taking a rib from him to create her... Wow.

Then I read about their sin. And I have to be honest, I kind of approached these verses with some negativity I think. Probably because we've all joked about how it's all Eve's fault for tempting Adam..blah blah blah. But then I read it, and all of that went away. My heart really focussed in on this:

"God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God knowing both good and evil"

I have read this story many times, but I don't think that I have ever really thought about what that verse meant. And looking at it, I feel kind of silly. But tonight I got something totally new from it. I know that before this event, there was no sin. And that because of it, there was. God told them not to eat it, so that we would only know good, and not evil. Now clearly, He knew what would come, but He didn't want us to have to know of evil. The stupid snake was satan tempting her and she gave into that temptation, and because of it, everything changed drastically.

That verse also made me realize how powerful our words are. The snake was able to make it sound like God was keeping something from them by saying, "you will know both good and evil", but really He was keeping bad from us. As a christian I have the power and ability to use my words to do quite a few things: help others, lift people up, glorify God etc.. or I can use my words poorly and hurt others, tear people down, and turn people away... The scary thing is, is most of the time, I don't think we purposely try to use our words for bad, but if we aren't wholeheartedly using our words for Good, we are no different then that snake.

I have never in my life had the desire to read something and pick it apart piece by piece like I have done tonight. My prayer is, is that God will continue to help me to do this. I feel like I have really learned a lot tonight from reading this, and I want more than anything for this to continue...

I hope this did not bore you...

What the weird...

2009-12-06T20:47:00.002-05:00

Am I the only one who hates Claymation Christmas movies??? They are so weird, and boring, and lame... I'm just saying.

Only 8 more days until I'm done with school! And only 19 more days until Christmas!!! Love it :)

Warning...

2009-11-28T22:57:00.003-05:00

This blog might be a bit on the grumpy side... sorry ahead of time. And it might result in a pity party... again I'm sorry.

As I sat at Thanksgiving dinner, I thought back to a year ago... when I told myself, "this time next year, I'll have a serious boyfriend to bring to holiday stuff"... only here I am a year later, in the exact same position. And then as I looked around at all of my cousins, I realized that I am one of the only few left that isn't married or engaged... and that didn't help me to feel any better. Then I had two pretty horrible thoughts...

1. Am I going to be single forever?

And 2. Is there something wrong with me, and that's why I'm single?

Don't get me wrong.. I'm not desperate.. and I won't settle for any guy who comes my way... I'm frustrated and I'm ready to find THE guy for me. I'm just ready. Ready for a real relationship, ready to be thinking about marriage, and ready to have a family.

And in my mind, I think... Well if I'm single because God's not ready for me not to be... than I'm okay with it. And honestly I only want to be in a relationship if it's what God wants for me... I'm just sick of waiting. And the holidays certainly don't help at all...

I just need some reassurance that neither of my horrible thoughts are true.

I know that God has a plan for me, and that it's better than anything that I could ever plan for myself, and that is so exciting. But I also am impatient. And I need some hope that it will happen.. and hopefully sooner rather than later...ugh.

That's all.

Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful and blessed.

November already?

2009-11-11T21:20:00.002-05:00

Well it's been a while. It's been a crazy few weeks. I made my first student loan payments this month, so far so good. I think i've figured it out, so that I can make it work. It will be tight, but starting in January I will start making some money each week for work that I will be doing for this summer, and that will be a huge blessing.

This month so far has been kind of lame. I've been sick a lot, first Bronchitis, then I had to get a CT scan done on my stomach and I got super sick from the barium (so so so gross), then I got the stomach flu... all in like 2 weeks times. Thank God that my work is so awesome and understanding. But missing work so much hasn't helped my financial situation any, but what can I do? I'm just praying I won't get sick anymore...

Today I got test results back about my stomach problems I've been having... no gluten allergy and no Crohn's... PTL! And the CT scan looked normal... All good news, but i'm kind of frustrated that they don't know why my stomach is such a mess... hopefully I'll get some answers.

I'm worried about my mom. Be praying for her. She went in for a check up and they did some routine blood tests and then called her and told her she needed to come to go over the results... i'm nervous and worried. Please pray for her. She's scared and worried. Her appointment is tomorrow night at 5:15...

On to some good news! I am going to Ohio this weekend to visit some of my favorite people from camp! I am so excited, I have missed them so so much :) Yay!

Alright that's all... have a great night!

Only 44 days 'til Christmas!!!---Oh yes the countdown has begun :)

Family

2009-10-16T21:09:00.002-04:00

Tonight my dad put on a dvd of old family footage. When I say old, I mean from the 50's. At first I thought to myself, this is lame. And then I saw my grandpa who I never got to meet, and my grandma who I haven't seen since I was 11 and I instantly got tears in my eyes. I got sad for a few reasons... first because I feel like I really missed out on getting to know my grandpa. He died of cancer when I was 9 months old, but for my entire life all i've ever heard is what a wonderful guy he was. I'm sad that i've never had a grandfather figure in my life, and wish that I had those memories. I'm also sad, because I miss my grandma. I miss going to her house and eating cheese and ring bologna (if you've never had it, you're missing out!). I miss the fact that she had a stump (one of her legs had to get amputated, as weird as that sounds), I miss that she always had blue Extra gum, and I miss the lemon drops in her candy dish. Day to day I really don't think about it, or miss her all that much, but after seeing her on the dvd, it made me pretty sad. I think I also got sad because as I look at my parents watching old family memories, missing their entire family and particularly their parents, I know that at some point that will be me. As much as my parents make me crazy, I cannot imagine my life without them, and I don't like the feeling in my stomach even as I am writing that. The thought that someday all I will have to remember them is video and pictures, makes my heart break... I need to stop thinking about it, because quite honestly I'm balling just typing this...

But on that subject, I have been praying for more compassion. I feel like the past couple of years I have really had a hard heart because of some different events that have happened. For a while a few years ago, things just kept happening that broke my heart (and my families) over and over again. It came to a point where it was easier to not feel anything, then to feel so sad. And I realized that because of those events, I had lost a lot of compassion because it was easier. So I began praying.... God break my heart for what breaks yours. Give me the compassion that you have for us... I didn't really notice this happening until yesterday. I was on my way to the bank. I was stopped at a light, and saw this guy crossing the street. He was walking very slowly pushing his wheelchair across the street. As he tried to hurry across Garfield, with cars getting annoyed that he was crossing I noticed that it was a struggle, and then looked at his feet. His one foot had clearly been amputated to some degree and was wrapped in a cast and because his legs were different lengths he was limping pretty hard. His clothes were very worn, he didn't have a coat on and it was 40 degrees. And right there I just started to cry for him, and honestly thought about getting out of my car and hugging him, although I decided that I shouldn't do that. I prayed for him.

God has opened my heart back up and has shown me how to show compassion. He has broken my heart for what breaks His...

At times I get frustrated. When I pray, I want an instant answer (we all do). But he never ceases to amaze me. He always does things in His timing and though I don't always understand it, I'm thankful for it.

Okay.

2009-10-11T20:50:00.003-04:00

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them" -Romans 8:28

With that being said, I am trying not to freak out. I know that God has called me to this point in my life, and as long as I stay obedient to Him, he will continue to provide and take care of me. I am going to look into getting a second part time job and hopefully babysit some more...

If anyone reading this needs a babysitter, or knows anyone who might need a babysitter, please let me know! I love kids, and would love to spend more time with them :)

What good is worrying? I am going to be proactive and get a plan, but worrying isn't what we are called to do, instead pray and trust in Him.. and that is what I'll do.

And the good news is, Christmas in only 2 months and 2 weeks away.. and I love me some Christmas :)

Goodnight.

Awesome...

2009-10-10T22:46:00.003-04:00

So before I didn't have to start paying back the loans until February.. but today I got a letter saying that they made a mistake, and I actually have to start paying on them next month... awesome. That gives me less time to get a plan and get the money. Oh and I really can't even think about getting a second job until after I finish student teaching and school (Dec.)... ugh.

I'm struggling, and I'm really trying to stay optimistic and just trust God on this, but it's getting harder and harder everyday... I'm going to need some direction...

Sorry I'm such a downer lately... I don't even want to be around me right now.

Not okay.

2009-10-07T17:32:00.002-04:00

I am going to go ahead and just be honest and tell you that I am not okay. Actually I am a total emotional wreck right now. I have known that soon I would have to start paying on my student loans. Today I called them, and well let's just say that I am royally screwed. I have one very large loan, and 3 smaller ones. The large loan wants me to pay 265 a month, and each of the smaller loans wants around 50... So we are looking at 415 a month... only I DON'T HAVE THAT. Oh and they are private loans, and chances are the interest rate will go up, and be even more monthly. The person that I talked to was super great, and nice which I was thankful for, but I feel like I am never going to get out of debt and that I don't have any solution.

I cannot afford that. And when I talked to my family about it their response was that I need to get a job that pays better. Or get a second job. And i know that both of those are probably true... but I'm not okay with giving up a job I love, and I can't imagine the amount of hours I would have to work in addition to what I'm already working....

I'm freaking out, and feel like I have no options. I don't know what I am going to do. And part of me is super annoyed at God...(even though I know that isn't okay). I feel like, He's called me into this field, shouldn't that mean that He will provide for me somehow??? ugh. I don't know. I'm a mess.

I could use some prayer, or encouragement, or if anyone reading this has $40,000 dollars sitting around, I'd take that too. Hah I wish.

Convicted.

2009-10-06T20:57:00.002-04:00

Right now I am feel a lot of conviction in my life. I try to do the right things, and a live a life that glorifies God. And I get so mad at my self when I realize that I have once again fallen short. Tonight as I sat listening to what I should be doing, I felt like I had fallen short in many ways. Again- I think that I TRY, but I also know that I can and need to do some much better with everything. I need to kick satan's butt and not allow him to use me in ANY way. Right now I feel like a failure and that I'm not doing things right. I don't say these things, to get compliments or anything like that, I say these things because I feel like I need to admit them, and then work on them 100%. So that is what I'll do. I just hate this feeling...And I know that I cannot do anything on my own, but only with God's help...

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

ugh.

2009-10-03T21:29:00.003-04:00

I hate money. Scratch that... I hate the lack of money. I have to start paying back my student loans this month. I have a lot of loans from school. I need to contact them to see how much they want my payment to be, but last time I got paper work from them, they wanted me to pay $425 a month... clearly that will not be possible. So hopefully they will work with me..

Friday my dad's company had to put them all on 32 hours and cut their pay 10%. Financially my parents were barely making it before, and now with these changes, they aren't going to make it at all. And if things don't improve at my dads company, they will have to close, and then things go from bad to worse. And the worst part of it is, I can't help them financially, because I really don't have it either. And if/ when we lose our house, I can't afford to live on my own...

With all that being said, please just pray for us.

Once again I say... I hate money.

Fall...

2009-10-02T22:04:00.004-04:00

I love fall. I love the smell of fall. I love that fall is the beginning of many months of family, food, and fun! I love pumpkins. And cider mills. The changing of leaves. Bonfires. The feel of a cold rain. I love to throw on a hoodie, jeans, and tennis shoes and feel warm and cozy. And I love love love cuddling up with 10 blankets and lots of pillows... (and if we are being honest, I would love to have someone to cuddle up with... but I guess I will wait on that for a while).

Some other things about fall that i love, but that I know I shouldn't:

-Cider

-Donuts

-Carmel apples

-Pumpkin Pie

If you couldn't tell... I am a big fan of fall. Someday when I move out and have a place of my own, I will be one of those people who decorate for every holiday. Nothing crazy, but cute little decorations around the house, make my heart happy... and when it comes to Christmas Decorating I will go buck wild.

As much as I love fall, I love Christmas even more. But we'll save that for another day.

Some other stuff...

I got Site Director next summer! I am super excited and cannot wait to see what next summer will bring in my life, and in the lives of others. But I am so honored that God is using me again for His glory.

I am working on contentment. It is something that I have been praying about, but I haven't been able to completely surrender myself to God. I know that I need it in my life, now and forever. I don't care what God has for my life. I am willing and open to what He has... but right now, and forever I need to be content with everything...

"So I’ll stand. With arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the One who gave it all.

So I’ll stand. My soul Lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours..."

post camp...

2009-08-20T21:11:00.002-04:00

Working camp is one of the best parts of my year. I love it. Everything about it... well almost everything. I'm not a big fan of the post camp experience. It's the time after camp, where you're home, but in a funk and not sure what to do with your life. I know it's because I go from being surrounded by 30 people my age with the same passion and purpose, serving together to coming home back to "normal" life. It is a hard time. I am coming towards the end of this hard time (I hope so at least). And I am glad about that, but at the same time I am sad, because it means that once again camp is over. I know it's hard for people who have never been a part of it, to understand, but I wish more people did. I wish that I could tell people how amazing the entire summer was, but words never seem to do it justice. This summer was life changing... life changing to the teenagers who came to camp, life changing to the inner-city kids we worked with everyday, and life changing to even me. God is so unbelievably amazing and He showed me that time and time again this summer.

The theme of the summer was MOVE a faith journey of Moses. It was a great theme, and has really made me think about my life and where I am at. Am I moving for God daily? Am I following His will? Do I have faith to let go? Faith to take a stand? Faith to go into the unknown? and most importantly do I have faith to wait?

I really don't know what the next 6 months... year... or even 5 years hold for me. I have a lot on my mind about what God wants for me and my life, and at times I get stressed and worry. And honestly I have come up with several long term "plans" for my life these past few weeks.. but that is silly. I need to have faith that God has it all under control and that if I am obedient to Him, I have no reason to worry. So for now I will have faith to wait. And while I wait I will be content with all areas of life... (including still having to live with my parents... I might need help with this one from time to time).

The past few days I have had this verse to a song stuck in my head...

"You make, all things work together for my good..."

Back home already.

2009-07-31T12:48:00.002-04:00

This summer in Birmingham...

Number of salvation decisions - 93
Number of rededications - 307
Number of calls into ministry - 81
Other decisions made - 176
Number of people who came to camp this summer - 3,217
Amount of money given to the missions offering - $31,310.57

What an amazing thing to get to be a part of. God is so great.

wow.

2009-07-12T23:39:00.003-04:00

So I cannot believe that we just finished week 5 of camp and tomorrow starts week 6. And in 16 days, I will be back home in Michigan. Craziness. This summer has flown by, and it has been absolutely amazing. The thought of being done with camp makes me so so sad. The thought of leaving my staff makes me want to cry. But there are some things that make leaving here a little more exciting... I cannot wait to see Noah, Jonah, and Leah. I have missed those little ones. And seeing everyone for that matter. And sleeping in my bed, for a very long time.. yep that's exciting!

Week 4 and 5 were some amazing weeks. Between just those 2 weeks of camp we had around 100 students commit their lives to Christ and around 50 site children do the same... Can I get an amen? That is so glorious. Some days I wake up and feel so tired and physically drained that I don't know how I am going to get through the day, and then I think about how awesome God is, and how He is using me this summer to further His work, and it makes my day so much easier and happier.

Each saturday, as the students leave I challenge them to continue serving their cities as they get home from camp. I talk to them about how it is our job as christians to serve others and share God with them daily. And then I thought about it... Do I do that when I'm not Mfuge staffer Jesse? I mean I try. But If I look at my life while I'm in Michigan and then look at my life while I'm at camp, I am going to see some differences.

I feel like I do a lot of different things to serve others, and that it's probably "enough". But that is so easy and lame. I need to pour out onto others and serve others everyday, the way I do at camp. I've been thinking about ways that I can do that... if you have any suggestions let me know.

I love that each week God uses me to speak to students and children. It is such an awesome opportunity that he has blessed me with. And I love that I serve a God that teaches me knew things day after day, as I am teaching others.

We sing a song each week and it is one of the most amazing songs I have ever heard. Every time I hear this song, I am over come with the idea that I serve a great a mighty God. And that I am unworthy of Him. But that doesn't matter to Him. He loves me for who I am. He loves regardless of my every weakness, my every fear, my every failure. And I want everyone to know that feeling, and my God.

Here is the chorus...

"You are holy great and mighty
The moon and the stars declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, but still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are..."

I will leave you with some pictures from the last few weeks....

Me and Dimitrias... I love this little boy.

I love this little girl.

Emily, Paige, and I @ our "Snowball"...

Sweet little Lavarius

Mega Relay... Don't ask.. :)

God is so amazing...

2009-07-01T00:43:00.001-04:00

Tonight... 70 teenagers gave their lives to Christ... it was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. God is so good!!!! :)

Week 3

2009-06-28T18:12:00.002-04:00

Well week 3 is over, and actually week 4 has already begun. Week 3 was a great week. I had an amazing group of kids, and adults this week... and yesterday I was sad to see them leave. On friday, I took my group to an apartment complex and got to spend some time just playing with and loving on the kids in a huge field. It was one of my favorite days of site so far... there were 5 sweet babies under the age of 4 and they were such blessings. I have some fun pictures of them, that I will add when I have some time. But they were absolutely adorable!

Last night we went out with our lifeway coordinator and our entire team for our staff appreciation dinner.. we went to the cheesecake factory and it was delicious! I got a yummy pasta dish, and then some chocolate raspberry truffle cheesecake (could that sound anymore like me if it tried?!?)

After dinner, we came back to campus and had to set back up the stage, because today at 10:30 started week 4! This weekend was a bit shorter, than most, but because of it next weekend we get 3 days off!! yay! Well I need to get ready for opening celebration.

Please pray for our team this week. We didn't get much off time this weekend, and so we are all starting this next week very tired. Pray that God will give us the energy that we need, to have an amazing week of camp! Thanks guys.

Week 2

2009-06-21T00:51:00.006-04:00

Week 2 of camp is over... I have very mixed feelings about it. I had an amazing group of bible study students, and my site this week was absolutely amazing. But we had some rough times on our team... including many trips to urgent cares, and emergency rooms. But in the end it was still an amazing week, and God's work was still done. Lives were changed, and that is what camp is all about. At my site alone, 6 boys became christians! These boys have horrible home lives, and have lived through things things that I cannot even imagine, their lives were changed for eternity. I feel so lucky to be able to be a part of something so big and so awesome.

Here is a picture of my site kids, and bible study kids from this week.

.: I maybe down but I will rise. It maybe dark but God is light:.

Week 1

2009-06-14T19:02:00.002-04:00

Week 1 was absolutely amazing. First weeks can be hard, especially when it's the first week at a location, and amazingly this past week so well. I had an amazing group of bible study kids, and I love my site kids... it was great! Tiring but amazing. I've spent the weekend trying to get caught up on sleep, but we'll see how long that lasts. Other than that we have just spent the whole weekend hanging out and having fun. Today we went to the laundromat.. I spent 9 dollars to wash and dry two loads... that was lame, but I needed clean clothes. Well I'm about to go grab some dinner with everyone. Have a great night!

Tomorrow at 10 am starts week 2... :)

The campers are coming!

2009-06-08T00:45:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow around 1:00, we will start our first week of camp. We have spent the last 11 days trying to learn and prepare for camp, and tomorrow it all starts! It is a very exciting, yet scary time. This time last year I was nervous, anxious, and worried that I wouldn't be able to remember everything that I needed to. This year, I am calmer. There is a healthy amount of worry, but mostly I am just pumped to do it all again!

Please pray for our team, many of us have some type of cold or something. One of us had it, and it has passed from person to person. It's nothing horrible. But coughing and congestion, and just feeling like junk. Today during our prayer, 10 of us coughed and it was only a 2 minute prayer! So hopefully God will heal us quick! oh and this morning the program staff brought us breakfast... it included Muffins, donuts, orange juice, and Vitamins! So hopefully the healing will come fast!

Well I need to finish some laundry, and then get some sleep.

Day off..

2009-06-03T17:10:00.002-04:00

Today is our day off. With eleven days of training, they give us an entire day off to do whatever we want. Which is amazing. For me that meant sleeping in until 10:15, getting ready, getting a pedicure, and then shopping. Right now I am being responsible and getting my laundry done. And I am enjoying just some alone and quiet time. It is great. Right now a bunch of the team is playing some basketball, so in a while I think some of us will go watch them.. it will be good times.

This time next week, we will have campers! That is such a crazy, yet exciting thing to think about. I cannot wait. As I start this summer I have a few things I could use some prayer about...energy, patience, intentional ministry, good health, good attitude and above everything else that God will be able to fully use me for His glory.

Last night our staff had a time of worship together. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. At Samford they have this beautiful Chapel and we got to have worship in there last night. It is absolutely gorgeous. We sang some songs, we read through some verses and then we just sat and thought, and prayed and sang some more. It was so amazing, and exactly what I needed in that moment. The entire time we were in there, my thoughts were about heaven. About me someday going to heaven, praying for those in my life who don't have a relationship with God, and also just about how it is up to us as christians to go and spread God's word and love to those who don't know Him. It left me feeling so lucky to be worthy of something life heaven... I'm a sinner, and despite that, I get to spend eternity with God.

This is such a wonderful and exciting thing that He has allowed me to be a part of, and I am so thankful for that. Well I think I am going to go call my parents...

Training Week

2009-06-01T00:39:00.002-04:00

Well guys lots of stuff has been going on since I last updated. arrived in Birmingham AL on thursday. Since then, we have been doing non-stop training from about 8am-11pm-ish. It's a lot to take in and learn in a short time, but it is all so helpful and will make camp work so much better.

Well guys It's almost midnight, and I have to be up early so I can't fill you in on everything. But I do want to tell you about tonight. For "family time" we spend about 2 hours in prayer. First we all spent time praying over each other, then we prayed for the students we will be working with and for the burdens they could/will have this summer. It was so great. Just to hear so many people praying out loud at the same time, left me feeling so blessed to be here doing this.

My team is ahmazing. We are such a perfect mix of people and I have already fallen in love with them. This is going to be a great summer. And I can't wait to see how God uses me and this team for His glory.

Goodnight guys. Love you!

Rain, Rain, Go away.

2009-05-27T22:37:00.003-04:00

So I am in Bowling Green Ky. I drove about 9 hours today, it should have been way less, but took a super long time because of the torrential downpour that happened 3 times today. It was not fun and btw I hate Ohio. I hate I-75 through Ohio. I'm not a fan of crazy truck drivers that cut me off. Tomorrow I only have "4 hours" drive to birmingham... But we'll see. Hopefully it will take less time, and not more. Let's cross our fingers. Have a great night!

On my way...

2009-05-27T08:09:00.003-04:00

Well guys, I am leaving in a few minutes to begin my journey down to Birmingham! Today I am driving to bowling green, then finishing on to birmingham tomorrow! Please pray that I will get there safely and that God will keep me alert while I'm driving! Thanks guys! I hope you have a great day :)

5 days

2009-05-22T22:51:00.002-04:00

Only 5 days until I leave for the summer. I am starting to realize how much I am going to miss my niece and nephews while I am gone. Every time I think about saying good bye to them, I cry a little bit. I'm not looking forward to saying good bye to them...at all. But I AM looking forward to going and serving God this summer. I know that God is going to use me to do amazing things for His glory and that is so amazing!

Here is my address. Please feel free to send me stuff... anything really, just to let me know that you love me! :)

Jesse Scenga/M-Fuge Staff

Samford University

800 Lakeshore Dr.

Birmingham, AL 35229

Done.

2009-05-13T20:50:00.002-04:00

I am officially done with classes for the semester..yay! I don't think I have ever been so happy to finish a semester. Only one more semester and then I am done! I can't wait!

2 weeks from today, I will be on my way to Birmingham. I can't believe it. Please pray for me as I prepare to serve God this summer. Pray that God will prepare every part of me.. spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

I am going to try to find a way to move out on my own next fall. I hope I can make that happen. I love my family, and living with them isn't bad at all. But I so badly want my own place and to feel like a worthwhile adult. Hopefully it will all work itself out, we'll see.

Friday

2009-05-08T22:33:00.002-04:00

I am so happy that it's friday. It has been a long week, and I am glad to see it come to an end. Only one more week of school and I can't wait. I am so ready to not have to think/ worry about homework or class.

Lately I have noticed that I am a pretty emotional person. And I find myself trying to justify why I show my emotions all of the time.. And I don't understand when I'm doing this. Is there something wrong with showing emotion? I've never thought so before, but lately I feel like there is something wrong with that. Now I could see if I were an emotional mess that cried everyday... that would be problematic, but that's not me at all. Hmm... maybe I'm just spending more time with people who don't where their heart on their sleeve like I do. But either way, I want to stop trying to justify that to people. I am who I am. I am emotional, and care about people, and yes I even where my heart on my sleeve most of the time. But that's me.

Next thought. I normally do well with change, and often I actually enjoy mixing things up. But this time it's different. I'm struggling. It's not a huge change in my life, just a change in one aspect of my life. Most of the people around me seem to be totally fine, while I am sad and struggling. Could this go back to me being too emotional? Or is this normal? I don't know.

I do know that I am stressed and feeling overly busy with end of the semester stuff and trying to get myself prepared for the summer.

Camp. Glorious camp. Have I mentioned how pumped I am to go and spread God's love and message to the city of Birmingham? And how I can't wait to love on the children in the inner-city.. and teach hundreds of youth how amazing my God is? Camp is the only time in my life that I have ever felt that I was living in a way that is serving God. I don't think that it's because in my normal day to day life, I'm Not serving God (which may be true), but I think it's because at camp all you do all day long is serve others and serve God. That is what we were created to do, and there is nothing more satisfying in life.

"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men..." Eph 6:7

ugh.

2009-05-05T22:15:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wish my feelings would be wrong. I'm sad. But I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic. That is what I'll do. Oh and pray. Pray, Pray, Pray.

One more week of school...

22 days until I leave for the summer...

1 Million things to do...

Goodnight.

2009-05-04T21:41:00.002-04:00

I could use some encouragement right now...ugh. So much to do, and not nearly enough time to do it all.

Cryptic...

2009-04-29T17:52:00.001-04:00

Tired. Getting sick. Annoyed. Worried. Stressed. Busy. Excited. Confused. Still Tired. Ughh. That's all...

hmmm...

2009-04-23T22:46:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I get these feelings. Feeling about things that are going on around me or in my life. In the last 10 years every time I have had a feeling about something, it has come true. It's weird. Maybe it's the gift of prophecy.. who knows. These feelings are usually not about me. But about people or things around me.. hmmm.

I feel something. Something big going on around me. It has me worried. I wish I could help in this situation. But I don't think I can. So once again I will pray.

Who knows maybe I'm totally wrong. But I feel a storm on the horizon...

A lot on my mind...

2009-04-21T17:01:00.002-04:00

Lately I've really been feeling like God is going to do something major to change my life. And I'm okay with it. Today I was told about a possible change for my life. It's got me thinking. It would be amazing and soo great for me... but I need to wait and pray and see if it's God's plan for me... So I will wait and pray and hope that either way I get an answer.

p.s. I leave for the summer in 36 days and I am so pumped! I cannot wait! woohoo!

oh and vacation was great! I love the south and the warm weather oh and of course I LOVE THE OCEAN! all in all a great trip! And my 9 month old niece now responds to Hoss pants mcgee... it's glorious :)

Dancing

2009-04-02T21:52:00.003-04:00

I've realized something the last couple of days. I miss dancing. I danced from 2 years old until I was 18 years old. For most of those years, I danced 2-3 nights a week. I miss that. I miss listening to music and being able to just come up with combinations and dance. I miss teaching others how to dance. But most of all I miss the feeling I would get when I would dance my heart out. People always to me what a great performer I was, but I don't think that it was because I was putting on a performance, but because I was dancing with all that I had, and enjoying every minute of it.

The last time I really dance was May of 2004. That is way too long, and it makes me sad. I need to find a way to start dancing again. I'd like to start teaching again too. It's crazy to think that something that once consumed so much of my life is now not really a part of it. I mean for two years, I co-owned my own dance company, that's crazy. I can't believe that I did all that while I was in high school, but then I graduated and it was all done.

I'm need to find a way to get that part of me, back into my everyday life.

Simply amazing...

2009-03-30T18:07:00.004-04:00

"A thousand times I've failed Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out"

                          "From the Inside Out" -Hillsong United

Again... Simply Amazing.

A lot of Nothing... yet everything I'm thinking about.

2009-03-12T19:48:00.003-04:00

WW update... 2 more pounds last week. Once again I give the glory of that success to God. He is amazing and He shows me that over and over again.

___________

I live looking forward to the next thing in my life. For example, I have many countdowns going on right now.

*77 days until I leave for camp

*29 days until I leave for Vacation in Myrtle Beach

*11 days until my Birthday

This is always been how I live my life. And when I don't have something to look forward I struggle with life, until I have something new to be excited about. Is this weird? Or does everyone do this? Hmm...

____________

So today at work two of my friends and I were doing a Bible study. It was about prayer. And it talked about praying and asking God to help you with everything in your life, even the small things. As we talked about this, I realized that a lot of the time, when i'm praying and talking to God, I only ask him to help me out with the "big" things. I think it's because in my head I think that he's far too busy solving real problems and doesn't need to be bothered with helping me have a good day, or whatever other thing going on in my life that day. But that's silly. I need to look to Him for everything and not look at anything in my life as small to God. Even if it's small to everyone else, to Him it's important because it's important to me.

I love spending that time studying His word with my co-workers. I am allowed to grow closer to God and my fellow sisters while "working"... how amazing is that. I think sometimes I take for granted how amazing that is and how lucky I am to have that. I love learning more about God and his word, but also looking at who I am and really trying to figure things out. Every lesson that I have done I have walked away feeling like I have learned a lot about myself and I love that.

_____________

So lately I have been having a lot of crazy dreams. Most of the time, I don't remember my dreams but lately I have been able to. I've had a lot of dreams about the lump on my neck that i had removed. And at first I was confused about why I was thinking about this since everything was okay and I had moved on. Last night I was watching a show where a guy was dying of cancer. And as I watched the show I began to get more and more upset and had to actually turn off the show because I began to cry. I think that that whole experience really changed me and really shook me, which is totally understandable. But I think that when I got the biopsy back and everything was okay I just thought that it was done. I am seeing now that that experience is going to stay with me much longer than just two months.

I could have very well had cancer. And with my immune system the way it is, I would have had a hard time fighting it. I had that attitude through out everything and I think that is what scared me so much. I also think that with so many people around me being diagnosed with cancer lately and losing many of them, I wasn't very hopeful.

With all of this being said, I think that my walk has grown in huge ways over the last 3 months. I had to trust that even if I did have something scary, that He was in control and had a bigger plan for me. I had to show patience and trust in his timing while I waited for over a month to get the biopsy results back. And In the end I had to take that horrible time and make it something that changed me for the better. I hate that I had to go through that. And honestly I have never been so terrified, angry, and depressed in my life. I think that I hid it well. I mean people knew I was scared, but most days I didn't want to get out of bed. It messed me up, and every time I see my scar of my neck I get sick to my stomach re-living it. But ultimately I know that going through all of that made me a better person some how it's okay. Maybe someday someone I love will go through a similar situation and I will be able to help them... I wish I would have had someone like that, but I didn't, and I got through it. I don't know. Long story short- that experience had a lasting impact on my life forever. I learned who my real friends were. That I am stronger than I ever thought possible. That people love me more than I ever could know. That God is good all the time, even in the darkness. And for that I praise Him.

Beauty...

2009-03-04T20:19:00.004-05:00

7 Down... a lot more to go.

If you don't know what that means.. I'll tell you! I started WW a week ago today. I weighed in today and I lost 7 pounds my first week. I'm pretty pumped. I can't take all of the credit though..I have prayed everyday for God to help me with this, because it is something that I cannot take on on my own. But with Him I know that anything is possible.

I remember when I was younger (high school, early college), thinking about how I needed to change so many things about myself. I had a list of reasons why I was ugly and not good enough. And though I've kind of moved past those thoughts in my life, I found myself thinking about that the other day. My list was short, but to me it was the reason that no guy could ever fall in love with me. Here is my (old) list.

1. I had horrible teeth

2. I had Psoriasis covering most of my body

3. I was overweight

So as I thought about this a week ago I realized that I was almost to where I wanted to be years ago (and honestly where I want to be now, I just don't look at it in the same way).

I got braces, so my teeth are great. I'm managing my skin with medicine and lifestyle. The only thing left was my weight. 3 hours later I joined weight watchers.

Please don't read this and think that I think that i need to be skinny and perfect to get a guy. That isn't what I'm saying at all. I think that when I made that list years ago in my head it was more about feeling confident in myself and less about finding a stupid boy.

I didn't join to get skinny so that boys will like me. I didn't join to make others happy. I joined and am doing this to make myself feel confident and happy with who I am. I also feel like I'm wasting part of my life being unhappy with myself. God has made me beautifully in His sight, he's given me a relatively healthy body, and instead of loving myself, i've spent many years unhappy with his work. That's crap, and I wish I could take those years back. I can't. But instead I can work on "reshaping" his work back to where it should be. So that is what I'll do.

I know not every week will go as easily as this week. Most people don't lose 7 pounds in 7 days. And trust me I'm eating and being healthy. My prayer is that not only will I lose weight but that I will get in better shape, feel better, and love my outerself as much as I love my innerself.

Lovely, admirable, and excellent...

2009-02-25T18:14:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:8. This is a verse that has gotten me through many hard times. For many years I struggled with anxiety.. so bad that I had to leave school, because most of my anxiety was in the classroom. Through many months of counseling and meditating on that verse, I have found my way out of anxiety (for the most part). And for that I know I owe it all to Jesus.

Now as I think about this verse, I look at it as a challenge in my life. To think, speak, and act in ways that are honorable, lovely, admirable and excellent. Sometimes it's hard to stop yourself from having a bad attitude, but I really want to be able to stop myself from thinking or saying negative crap.

I honestly believe that if I fix my mind on these things, I will be a much happier person... ALL of the time.

I think about this summer, and how people constantly told me that they could see my love of Jesus shining through in all that I did. I'm hoping that with a change of attitude and frame of mind, people will be able to tell by looking at me, that I am in love with my God. Other than that, what really matters? Nothing.

I hope that this verse does something in your life as well.. because it's pretty amazing.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise".

~Philippians 4:8

M-Fuge

2009-02-19T21:16:00.001-05:00

This summer I will be working camp in Birmingham Al @ Samford University!!! Yay, I am so excited. I cannot wait! I will be there May 28-July27!!! AHHHHH!! :)

So Beautiful

2009-02-11T20:13:00.003-05:00

This is my precious niece Leah. She is beautiful and and love her very much! Someone we know from church did a photo shoot of her on saturday and these are her amazing pictures!

Confused

2009-02-10T15:58:00.002-05:00

Right now I am feeling very unsettled with where I am at right now in life. Don't get me wrong I love my life, I love my family, friends, my job, my summer job and where I live. And yet at the same time I find myself wondering if I am meant to do something totally different in the near future. Am I supposed to move down south? I don't really have any reason to move there, but it is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. In the fall I will graduate, should I continue on with my bachelors? Or stop where I am?

I wish that I knew where I would be in 2 years, 3 years, maybe even 5 years, because I feel like once I know those answers, I will know what to do from here.

But I also know that if I knew everything about my future, I wouldn't be able to figure things out on my own and experience things and probably even make the mistakes that will be made.

I feel like I need a big change in my life... I don't know what exactly needs to be changed, but I feel like I need to really take a huge leap of faith and do something completely scary and just put my trust in God completely.

I guess I just need to wait.. wait, wait, wait. I hate waiting. But I know that is what I need to do. Wait and Pray.

God always shows me what to do and what is next for me, but it's in His time, and usually his time isn't the same at my time...

I'm such a slacker...

2009-02-07T22:56:00.003-05:00

So for Christmas this year I got this amazing One Year Bible. I know that I have not read the bible in it's entirety and I feel like that's pretty lame. So I was really good about reading it for about 4 days... and then life got busy, I had surgery, and I came up with many other lame excuses. It is something that I really want to do, but it is also something that I know will be really challenging for me because I am a horrible reader. But I suppose I should just stop making excuses and just do it. I mean how can I know what I believe, if I haven't ever read every word of the Bible? I cant.

So for those of you who are reading this... if you could periodically ask me how this is going, that would be amazing... Clearly I need some accountability in my life.

Why is it that it is so easy to talk the talk, but not walk the walk? I am a Christian, and I'm pretty sure that everyone that knows me, knows that about me. And I really try to live a life led by God, and in a way that brings honor to Him.. but we all fall short from time to time, and though that is in no way an excuse, I sometimes find myself clinging to that thought...

I am a such a critical and judgmental person. And I hate that about myself. Tonight a good friend of mine told me that I am the most merciful person he knows. And I don't know how I feel about that... Do I show mercy to those who need it? Do I show mercy at all times? And the more I thought about it, the more I didn't like what I came up with.

I was glad that someone who knows me pretty well thinks that about me, but I don't know that I can say that I show mercy at all times. I feel like I CAN be merciful to those who need it, but I am not all the time.

Fr0m that my mind wandered to all of the others way that I am a slacker in my faith. I was people who don't know me to look at me and see someone who is in love with God, and who shines for Him. And right now that is not me. It was this summer, and I know that that is who I want to be. I want my thoughts, words, and lifestyle to glorify Him. I know that day to day I am a good person. I try to live my life right and make godly choices, but I need to take it to the next level.

“I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" - Revelation 3:15-16

I don't want to be luke warm anymore. Lord, Light the fire in my weary soul....

Some thoughts...

2009-01-28T19:53:00.006-05:00

First of all, I am happy to announce that I got my test results back and everything is good! PTL!!! I am so happy to have these last two months done and over with, and am ready to move on with my life.

I find myself looking forward to this summer. Actually, most days I can't wait to get to camp and start my summer. And it's not because I hate my life or job or anything like that. I actually love my job, and feel good about going to school. I think it's more about wanting to go and serve others all day everyday. We as christians were made to serve. Serve God and Serve others. But why does it take me going to camp, to make me serve others? I don't need to be at christian camp to do what I was made to do. I should be serving everyone that I come into contact with on a daily basis.

As I took katie for her fuge interview, I was so glad that I was given the oppurtunity to work camp. I found myself, thinking about every aspect of camp while we were in Louisville. From the youth that I met each week, to the kids that I taught while serving, to the youth leaders that I was able to encourage, as they encouraged me. And then I thought about the 28 amazing people that I got to work camp with. 29 strangers, all there for the same purpose... to serve God and serve others. In 8 weeks, they went from strangers to family. And it's sad that at the end of summer we all dispersed all over the country. I have stayed close with many of those amazing people, and I learned so much about myself, about life, and about my relationship with God because of them. And together we encountered hundreds of youth, kids, adults and families.

It was hard to leave Charleston. It was hard to leave my "family" at the end of last summer. It was hard to return back to "normal" when I got home. But the hardest thing was coming home, and not being able to truly explain to people what my summer was like. Because until you've worked camp, or maybe even just been to Fuge, you can't understand. Sometimes when I say I am working a christian camp, I feel as though people laugh at me a little bit. M-fuge is not your typical "youth camp". It's bible study, it's worship, it's serving the community, it's changing lives, changing the world, and changing who you are. It changed me. For the better. God used me to bring 9 kids to the Lord. And through my camp location alone, 160 youth came to know the lord. It wasn't me, It was Christ in me that did it.

I've been back for 6 months. And not a day goes by that I don't think about this summer. I think about my friends, or a youth that was having a hard time, or even just the face of a precious child who I met and loved on.

Here are some pictures from my summer.

Haley, Lily and I. These girls didn't have much. But they were happy and loved life.

Sometimes we act crazy!

Sweet little Talia. Such an adorable 3 year old. I wish I could have brought her home with me.

Ghetto slip and slide at 1 am... why not? :)

One final thought...
Never in my life have I ever been so exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually... and yet every picture I am in, I look happier than I ever have in any picture. Once again, it gets back to doing what God created us to do- serve and love.

Waiting

2009-01-21T16:50:00.002-05:00

I've always had a hard time waiting. Waiting for something to happen, waiting to see someone, or even just waiting to go buy something that I want. This is something that I have really tried to work on in my own life. Because I can't control everything... and often I can't control anything. The last few months I have had to wait. Wait on doctors. Wait on progress. Wait on results.

I have some pretty big news coming my way anytime now. And honestly the news is results that I should have had back a few weeks ago. But instead of knowing my fate, I am stilling having to wait. Could this be God teaching me something?

Honestly, I am pretty confident that everything is going to come back okay. But I don't know that for sure, and I won't until a doctor confirms it.

Over the last few weeks I have had many awesome people asking me if I have heard anything yet... and I always respond with "No, they didn't have the results yet, but should by this friday".

As I responded with that for probably the 50th time this week, I had a thought... Why am I not calling my doctor everyday to get answers? Why am I okay with just waiting to be told the results?

Is it that I really am that confident that it is okay? Or is it more along the lines of I'd rather pretend that everything is fine as long as I can?

After much thought, I still don't know the answer to these questions...

cutie

2009-01-14T21:41:00.003-05:00

Sweet little Snow Bunny!

Tonight my niece and nephews came over and I watched them so that my sister and brother in law could go help kids get ready for mid-terms at their school. My nephews who are 2 1/2 and almost 4 were crazy! And Leah (the precious baby you see above) screamed the entire 3 hours that she was at my house... okay maybe not the whole time, but for real 2 hours of it. She has really bad acid reflux and is in pain most of the time, and it breaks my heart to hear her cry the way she does. I was going crazy by the time they left and then I stumbled upon this picture in my computer and it made me forget (momentarily) about all of the screaming that had taken place tonight... She is so beautiful and so cute and even when she screams and screams, I still absolutely adore her. That's all. Goodnight.

Crazy...

2009-01-10T15:02:00.003-05:00

I just finished watching the movie Twister (for probably the 50th time). I have always said that I would like to some day like in the south, if God ever wanted to call me there... and that is still something that is true. However, now I am going to pray that if God does want me to move south, that He never sends to me to Tornado Alley. People who live there are crazy... no offense.

Precious

2009-01-08T21:41:00.001-05:00

If you know me, you know that I love kids. I adore everything about them. They are so sweet and innocent, and so curious about everything. And I genuinely enjoy spending time with them.

Lately (the last few weeks anyways), I haven't had the patience for them that I usually do, and that I want to have. This bothered me. Because they deserve better than that. I'm assuming that the lack of patience was because of some stuff going on in my life that I am worrying about, but I just felt like doing the kids in my life a unjustice.

Most of my life involves me interacting with children. I mean my nephews, niece, cousins, work, and church all involve amazing little kids.

This week has been different. I feel like I'm back to "normal" (whatever that may be for me). I have found myself loving every minute I have spent with those precious kids. They light up my life in a way that nothing and no one else have ever been able to do.

Today one of my kids that probably makes me the most crazy, but that I also absolutely adore told me he loved me more than his Christmas presents. Now to a 3 year old, I'm going to guess that that is a lot of love. And all day he told me that he wanted to help my boo boo feel better. He spent time patting my back because that's what his mommy does when he doesn't feel good. And he even picked up a pen for me off the floor, so that I would have to "hurt my boo boo".

At first I thought that he was just being sweeter and more helpful than usual... but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was something more. I had more patience and love for him, and was able to just really love on him all week. And in return, when I needed it, he loved on me.

Tonight my nephews were over and they are crazy. But man do I love them. I spent time reading books to them and playing with cars and blocks (we always do these things). And they just spent the evening only wanting me. Not grandma and grandpa or their parents, but aunt jesse. I truly believe that kids can sense when people need them. They knew that I needed some cuddle time and that I was worried about something, and they just loved on me. It was great. The time I spent with little ones today was precious. They are precious.

Once again, I thank God for allowing me to spend my days with such amazing little people.

Wow!

2008-07-12T23:57:00.002-04:00

Hey guys! Well last week I went home for a few days. I got to spend the 4th with my family, and be there for Jonah's birthday, which was awesome! And I got back into Charleston last sunday. This week of camp was amazing. It was one of the best weeks of camp so far. I had the biggest bible study/track group with 29 kids and 6 adults! It was crazy at first, but it ended up being a great group of people! On thursday at site, 9 of the kids there became christians! Praise the Lord! It was an awesome day! Today we ended week 5, only 2 more weeks to go, and that makes me real sad. I can't believe how fast this summer has flown by.
Today was an amazing day. We all went ice skating. I was pretty ridiculous. I only fell once though! But it was a ton of fun. Then tonight we had a staff appreciation dinner. So we all got really dressed up and went to a fancy resturant in downtown Charleston. It was yummy! I will post pictures soon! I have 150 pictures I have to upload to the computer though, so it won't be tonight! Well I'm gonna go to bed! Goodnight all! Love you guys :)

week 2

2008-06-22T19:53:00.005-04:00

Hey guys! Well week two ended yesturday. We had around 550 kids at camp last week. It went pretty well. I got to take my 25 bible study kids to a place called Midland Park. While we are there we get to teach VBS to about 70 kids ages 4-12. All in all it was an awesome week. I get to go back to this site the last 3 weeks of camp so I'm pretty excited to get to see those kids again. Yesturday we all went out to eat at Chili's because it was one of the girls birthdays, we had a lot of fun. Last night Beth and I went driving around downtown Charleston, it is so gorgeous down there. My favorite thing is that instead of street lights, they have lanterns with actual fire in them. I think that is so cute! Today I slept til about 11:30 (yay for sleeping in!) and then went down to the pool with some friends for almost 4 hours! It was a lot of fun. Some of us just went and got some ice cream, I got Watermelon Italian Ice, it was ahhmazing! And we are about to go play some Apples to Apples! We I'm gonna get going. But Here are some pictures for you guys!

Me and Talia! She is precious!

This is Tatiana! She is such a sweetie.

Week 2 Bible study group!

p.s. I will be home Tuesday July 1st-Sunday July 6th!

First week of camp

2008-06-11T15:22:00.006-04:00

Hey guys! Well the first week of camp started on Monday. It's one of our smallest weeks with only about 350 youth. I have an awesome bible study group, we have a lot of fun and they are all really hard workers on site. This week we are teaching VBS at a small church about 25 minutes from CSU. Yesturday we had 17 kids and today we had 23, praise God! Last night we had a huge safari with the entire camp, and oh yeah my team won!! Go us!!! We were super excited to win! :)
Well I have to get going, but I just wanted to let all of you know that week one is going awesome so far, and I can't wait to see what the rest of this week, and summer brings.

I have a few pictures for you guys from training week. I will try to post more later. I hope you enjoy! Love you guys!

Beth and I in the FUGE van!

Valarie (my roomie), Amber, Kayla, Cassie and I about to go out to dinner on our day off!

Melissa and I at Safari night!

One week...

2008-06-06T16:25:00.002-04:00

Well I've been here a week! We have had a super busy week, full of lots of fun and training. I will try to update this more, but my internet has been hating me lately so I haven't been able to log on much at all. Since I last updated you all, some exciting/crazy things have happened. One morning as I was sitting on my bed, getting my make up on, I looked up and saw a mouse run across my floor. And suprisingly I didn't freak out like I would have imagined myself to do. After a day, we got some traps out, and got it. It was a baby one, and it made me sad a bit, but glad to not be sharing my bed with a mouse. Good times..

Yesturday was our free day. So I got to sleep in until 10:30 ish which was amazing, then me and about 8 other girls headed to the beach. It was so amazingly warm and so was the water. FYI I swam in the ocean yesturday.. not just like put my feet in, but like went in up to my shoulders... for those of you who know my fear of fish, this is a BIG DEAL! YAY! and we had a blast in the water. Then we headed back to campus, got ready and everyone dressed up and went out to eat in downtown Charleston at a Crab House. And then after walked around downtown Charleston for a while, and then went to an ahh-mazing pier.

We only have a few more days of training, and then Monday camp starts! How awesome is that!

Alright guys, I gotta go get my bible study material ready and set up my room some more. I love you and miss you guys! Thanks for the prayers!

p.s. I found out that there is a slight difference in my mailing address, so here it is...

If you are mailing something USPS

Jesse Scenga/ MFuge
Charleston Southern University
CSU Box #1040
P.O. Box 118087
Charleston SC 29423

If it's FedEx or UPS

Jesse Scenga/Mfuge
Charleston Southern University
CSU Box #1040
9200 University Blvd.
Charleston SC 29406

I'm here!

2008-05-31T16:13:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone! I arrived into Charleston yesturday at around 10:30am. I had to wait a while for some other people from the team, and arrived on Southern Charlestons campus around 2ish. The campus is beautiful! And it is already so warm and humid. Today it was 90 degrees with 70% humidity! But I'm sure that I will get used to it! I have a really cool roommate for summer, and suite mates. Oh and my dorm room is the only one to have a full kitchen in it!. So we will have cold water all summer! yay! Oh yeah and the cafeteria food is actually really good!

We started training almost immediately after getting here yesturday. And as I sat there with 30 other amazing people from all over the country, I couldn't believe that I was really here doing this. I remember thinking when i was younger how "someday" I would go and be a staffer, and after 8 years I'm finally here doing it! I am just amazed at how God put that on my heart so many years ago, and when it was his time, called me here and gave me this oppurtunity.

So from now until Monday, June 9th we will be training. And then the first week of camp is the 9th-14th. We have a lot to go over, and learn in the next week, but so far it has been an awesome time.

Praises

That all 30 members of our team made it to camp safely
God has blessed me with some really awesome people to work with this summer
I already feel like I have grown closer to God in only 1 day of being here

Prayer Requests

Pray that God will continue to work in me and show me everything I need to know for the summer
Pray that the staff can really get to know each other, and build close relationships, so that we can support each other like a family.
Energy and a good attitude in everything I do!

I hope everything is going well at home! Sorry that I haven't really been able to call much, this is the first real break we have gotten since we arrived! We have training everyday from 7:30-late! lol. But I miss you guys!

Love you! :)

I leave in 2 days!

2008-05-28T20:58:00.002-04:00

Well I am packing, and getting ready to leave for camp on friday. My flight leaves at 6:30am, friday morning. Please pray for safe travel, and that everything with flying will go well. I am a bit nervous about flying and connecting flights, and all of that stuff. Please also pray as I get to camp and train for 10 days, that God will prepare me for this summer, and that I will learn everything that I need to.

My address for the summer is:

Charleston Southern University
9200 University Blvd.
PO Box 118087
M-Fuge/Jesse Scenga
Box 1040
Charleston, SC 29406

I know it's long, but that's my address for the summer. So feel free to send me stuff! ;)

I will update you all once I've gotten there! Thanks for all of your prayers and support, it means alot to me!

2008-05-11T17:12:00.004-04:00

Almost there...

2008-05-10T17:43:00.003-04:00

Well I leave for M-fuge in 20 days! This is so crazy! But I am so excited. Please pray that God will prepare me physically, mentally, and spiritually this summer. I am so excited to see how God will use me this summer for His glory.